The Wake

The sun rises over campus. It’s a Sunday morning, following an evening of heavy rain. One by one they emerge. Their clothes are crumpled. Many sport what I like to call “shelf hair.” The expressions on their faces usually reflect a confusion that can only be explained by an empty bottle of vodka. They are the men and women who sacrifice themselves to that sacred act called the Walk of Shame. What is the Walk of Shame? The Walk of Shame is defined by everybody a little differently. Most explanations involve alcohol or sex or, most often, both.Several students around …

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Last summer, a University student named Seth paged through the classifieds looking for a place to live. He found one ad that said, “Man seeking roommate” in a house near the University that cost $400 a month. It seemed to fit Seth’s criteria so he decided to check it out.When he arrived at the house, the owner was working in the front lawn without a shirt on. “He seemed like your average guy,” Seth said, “He was about 50 years old.”As the owner showed Seth around, he thought it was “amazingly nice.” There were velvet drapes and couches in the …

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Aug. 31st: Freshmen move into dorms. On his first night here, freshman male loses virginity thanks to case of Milwaukee’s Best. Follows Sean Paul’s advice: “Let’s get it on til the early mo’n’.”Sept. 5th: T. Denny Sanford announces $1 million gift to build a new stadium. Later sends text message to Bruininks saying, “Psych!”Sept. 9th: University Regents condemn Goldy Gopher for endorsing Zipp’s Liquor Store. Criticism puts Goldy’s contract with Totally High Creations in jeopardy. Production of patented “Goldy’s Golden Bong” put on hold. Sept. 12th: While returning books at the University Bookstore, freshman male bumps into woman he …

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Blades of grass rip from the ground between your toes. You dodge bushes and trees, leap with bare feet over sidewalks. You run across Northrup Mall completely naked, breathing harder, inhaling air that isn’t there. The other side seems so far away. You need to make it across before campus security sees you. You’re nearly out of breath, not because you’re running but because your four nude limbs and torso are exposed to the campus.Then, the sprinklers turn on. In a week or so I’m going to graduate from the University of Minnesota. Over four years, I’ve walked in and …

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Last week I went grocery shopping with my father and stepmother. This isn’t something I generally like to do, but if I don’t go with them I know I’ll have to spend endless time searching the cupboards and refrigerator for food that I might actually want to eat. The reason for my literal fruitless searches is that my parents have adopted the Atkins plan.For those unfamiliar, Dr. Atkins passed away shortly after writing one of the best-selling diet books ever. Indeed, Atkins’ New Diet Revolution has been revolutionizing America in every way possible. I’m not sure if people are any …

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Arturo Manzur was frantically pacing around, answering hoards of questions from players wondering where they will play next and who their opponents will be. The veteran director of the Black Knight/TIMEX 2004 Minnesota State Squash Championship calmly directed the anxious players to their courts as the tournament was approaching its final, championship rounds. Manzur has been the director of the tournament for so many years he can’t remember exactly how many. And this year, the squash pro at the Minneapolis Lifetime Athletic Club brought the biggest squash tournament of the year in Minnesota to …

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On April 18th, the University of Minnesota Recreation Center was the place to be. People were balling on the courts, sprinting on the treadmills and weights were being thrown around the fitness centers. But the stir about the Recreation Center resided near the racquetball courts, also known as the handball courts. In the Minnesota Spring Handball Classic, 117 competitors signed up for their shot at the state title. They battled within their respective brackets for the title. Of the 117 in the field, the top 16 competed for the Minnesota State Title in the open division, which is the top division. …

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Most of us have seen the movie Billy Madison where Adam Sandler, playing Billy, goes back to school to prove to his dad he can take over the family business. He starts from kindergarten and makes his way through high school. There was a specific scene when he was in one of the preliminary stages of this back-to-school adventure. It was recess time and the nice, innocent children were playing dodgeball. Billy decided to play along and soon after, his manly strength led to an annihilation of the recess goers. One particular kid took …

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Best Club Team: Men’s soccer
-After another great run at Nationals, highlighted by a 3-0 win over Weber State, helps make a case for a men’s varsity soccer team at the ‘U.’Best Intramural Team: The Sanford All-Stars
-Think of the ‘U’ men’s hockey team without all the exposure, national championships, beards or jersey chasers. Best Quote: Jerome Stewart of the Young Gunners Intramural Basketball Team
-“This is Jerome’s team, anyone that has any problems with that can f#*@ off.”
Hey, if y’all ain’t peepin’ what Jerome’s speakin’ ya best step or he’s gonna have to busta cap.Biggest Moment By A …

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