The Wake

I am deeply troubled. Every morning, I wake up, I make my coffee, I loosen my tie, and I am soothed by the cadence of CNN’s broadcast. Between stock trades, I hear them talking: Oil prices are rising, the former Enron guys are on trial, the Dow is up—wait, no, now it’s down. Scratch that, it’s gone back up again.These are the pivotal news items of our time! However, one less prominent issue has captured my attention: The debate surrounding the Federal Shield Law. I am shocked that this debate has even come to the table. It has …

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Dear Diary,I had reached a point where nothing did it for me anymore. It seemed all I could do was hole myself up in my room and ponder the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience, and regard my existence as inexplicable in this antagonistically indifferent universe. I didn’t even enjoy crying into my vinyl collection anymore. Self-deprecation? Hah—could it be any more passé? I had even forgotten how to hate my parents!No offense, Diary, but often times, when I felt these weathered pages couldn’t contain all my inner anguish, when I felt as though the aforementioned antagonistically indifferent …

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Using epic gun battles to explore the emotionally stirring relationship of two Des Moines police officers, the new surefire blockbuster Partners in Passion is set to ignite screens with gratuitous car explosions and steamy romance.John Steele (Samuel L. Jackson) is a battle-hardened cop forced to take on a new partner in Martin Lovejoy (Ben Affleck in a truly moving comeback role), the gentle and idealistic new recruit. In the opening scene we find out how John’s previous partner was brutally murdered by the new gang in town, the Little Ladies, a syndicate of cross-dressing midgets. John finds it hard to …

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“People just don’t understand. If everyone would just close one eye for one day, maybe then they would fully realize the 2-D hell that I inhabit,” sculptor Edmund Auch laments. A single stream of tears rolls down his right cheek.“I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me. Sometimes I say stupid things on account of the eye.”Auch is a true inspiration. Rejecting what society has deemed appropriate one-eyed careers (like pirate or ruggedly handsome soap opera star), Auch has decided to tackle his lack of depth perception head-on.“I try to look at the bright side. I see this void in my …

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“Well, we find it important to incorporate pentameter, as a sort of homage,” says M. Rich about his structured approach to songwriting. Like the other mainstream hip-hop artists of today, M. Rich and H. Money Fresh call on legends of the past for inspiration. Their personal muse: William Shakespeare. “If you think about it, Bill was actually the original master of rhymes and beats,” says Fresh. Her five “remixes” of Sonnet 18 (“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”) have earned her a reputation as one of hip-hop’s most innovative and artistic women. Meanwhile, her accomplice Rich has made …

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Dear Wake,
I am please publish these. if you dont then I’ll will fail in school studentry. I would prefer to remain annonymous if that’s ok
-Justin Bailey
Englash MajorAnd then she falls
My love
Inside
My soul
(It’s all all right)
This distance between us
Entropic void
Cannot be filled
A valley,
Once flowing,
The river of our love,
Our souls once bound
Now dry,
Mountainous,
[Cavernous.]
Breathing salty, I exhale myself into you.
Whrursh.
I am inside
with you
It’s all all right.

She stands astride, begging me to pass through
To come inside, to show me the truth
Her lust is her mind, everything she ever knew
With guttural moans she invites, begs me to do (,what,)
While on her back she lies, prepares for me toShe fluffs, I stuff, we flex and stretch.
Rough and tough.
Our love is a battlefield.
I get pushed out, she screams out
Next.

I feel my pain
Like a needle in the soul.
Prinks and points in my being.
I feel my pain
As death creeps into my bed
Where we lay, mourning
Our broken relationship
That was dashed to pieces
When you cut me your words.I feel my pain
At the bottom of a bottle.
I drank it at dawn on the subway
As I rode away from you.
The pain is so overwhelming
I can to cry in public
But I can’t because I am a man
And I should not even be writing
Poetry because if …

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I put out my cigarette on the bus door, spewing my own poison out, and inhaling the toxic fumes outside, and think of the pollution now filling my lungs. I chastize corporate America internally, silently: Crying, “Swine, give me a chance to taste my own life. My love. My essence.” Digressing, my foot swings me up onto the bus.I thought of her when I saw him. Coughing, stinking, fidgeting. I want to hold him as I held her, but I do not want to make the same mistake again. Ambiguity aside, I …

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My gold fish swims
And skims the waters
Of his fishbowl.He makes faces at me
While I pee because
He lives in the bathroom.Sometimes he lies
On the bottom of his
Bowl real lowPretending to be dead.
But he’s really overfed
And big time lazy.But one day when
I changed the water
He jumped out AND COMMITED SUICIDE!
THAT STUPID FUCK FACE
FISH THAT NEVER LOVED
ME THE RIGHT WAY!

I want to leave a kiss
On your moist cleavage
Because there’s no way I could piss
Away my chance at your beaverage.
Longing for your lips,
I think of your gyrating hips
And how much it would mean
For me not to be seen
While I watch you change
Outside your window. I dream of the day
When I can lay
Next to you and eat
A bloody steak so sweet
That you and I share.
I can only compare
This vision
With the ass bang I got in prison.
Now that’s true love!

Rumors circulated for years that the University has considered getting rid of it’s sponsorship with the Coca-Cola Company because of human rights violations by the company. But new evidence about the university president’s addiction to the fizzy intoxicating drink suggests that this day may never come. Despite claims that he considered getting rid of the Coke sponsorship, University President Bob Bruininks recently told an unidentified source that the U could never get rid of it’s dependency on Coke dollars, mostly because the prez is too addicted himself. “Why do you think we have Coke instead of Pepsi?” he reportedly told …

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In a shocking turn of events Friday, The Wake was granted full operational funding from the university for the 2006-2007 academic year. After the Student Fees Service Committee shorted The Wake more than $30,000 of their requested fees earlier this semester, the Strategic Positioning Research Task Force budgeted unlimited financial support for the student-run magazine.The blank check does have a catch, though. “Its not like they gave them the money out of the goodness of their goddamned hearts,” says Vice Provost for Student Affairs Jerry Rineheart, who intervened to approve The Wake’s fees last spring but declined to do so …

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Minneapolis MN—More than a hundred Christian missionaries from across the nation have migrated to the University of Minnesota for the annual “Preaching to the Pagans” conversion convention. This two-day event spotlights the yearly exodus of students from the university for the summer and the need for swift action to save their lost souls from living another 3 months away from the divine spirit of God. Reverend Jeremiah Wakefield, Texan evangelist and director of “Preaching to the Pagans” explains the importance of reaching out to impressionable young students. “The youth’s minds are being filled up with the liberal garbage about tolerance …

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Brit Snodgrass rapped his maroon and gold robe tighter around his body against the evening spring chill that had settled on the East River Flats. “This may have been the very same robe that He wore when He accepted His almighty position,” Snodgrass said, the firelight from the torches that dotted the valley reflecting in his thick, black-rimmed glasses. Snodgrass, of course was referring to the Almighty Robert H. Bruinincks, President of the University of Minnesota. (Editors note: Snodgrass agreed to the interview only if we promised to capitolize all references to the President). In the torch-lit field behind Coffman, …

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