The Wake

A scene from South Park: his drinking problem spiraling out of control, Randy Marsh begins attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, where he is convinced he has a disease which he is powerless to control. Losing hope, Randy’s drinking escalates further. Meanwhile, a statue of the Virgin Mary suddenly begins bleeding from her anus. People gather around this spectacle, praying to be healed from their various ailments. Randy approaches the statue, pushing aside those with diseases he considers less severe. He drenches himself in the blood erupting from Mary’s rectum and proclaims he will never drink again. A few days later, …

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With an oxymoronic slogan like “exposing the intolerant left,” the U’s First Annual Conservative Awareness Week focused more on attacking the right’s ideological opposition than proving that they have anything to offer to students. Remembering, of course, that this was only a week after the GOP’s embarrassing defeat in the midterm Congressional elections—this abortion was probably the best response they could come up with. To make matters worse, the creators of the week decided to soullessly insult the GLBT community, through suggesting the asinine idea that somehow, conservatives are more frequently victimized than gays. CFACT, …

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She started playing guitar at 14, started performing at 16 and went on her first tour at 19. Meet the new Minnesota superstar: Haley Bonar, who just recorded her third album. Bonar and I sat down at the Spyhouse coffee shop at Nicollet and 25th. She munched on a muffin as we discussed her album, her family and her love life. Wearing tall and worn brown boots, black tights and a red mini skirt that was almost a perfect match to her hair Bonar started telling me she had just arrived home after traveling with her boyfriend …

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When I first got this CD, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. “Is this a Christian album?” I asked my friend. It had all the signs: the word “Pray” was in the title, the artist is shown on the cover in a standard, “I’m standing on the shores of some water with my arms opened up towards the sky” pose, and there were songs with titles like, “Heaven Knows” and “I Will Wait.” After listening to this record several times through, I’m only about 95 percent sure it’s a religious album, but I’m 100 percent sure that it sucks. …

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The new 31 Knots five-song disc was a journey unlike any I had taken before. The tone starts dreary, as “Sounding Off Uncertainty” casts you into the depths of some dark, untreadable water. You hear a deep bellow, as if from a creature you cannot name. A weary chorus quickly follows, seeming to send out a warning. It’s a chilling blend. The noise drops out once, and then gives way to an eerie machine-like drone. It comes in and out of focus, as if you’re fighting to stay on the surface. Only 49 seconds into 31 Knots’ EP: Polemics, and …

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Shots of Jägermeister and a toast “to evil.” It’s 11:39 p.m. and the final rounds of Guitar Hero at Memory Lanes bowling alley are about to go off with a bang, perhaps? I am three drinks deep watching blazing stars of rock come and go every three and a half minutes. This is opening night of Guitar Hero II, a PlayStation 2 game where players plug in digital guitars (think Fisher Price) and pretend to shred with a series of buttons located on different parts of a plastic fretboard. Not sure how to feel about it? It’s …

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Andre 3000’s animated counterpart, music teacher Sunny Bridges of Cartoon Network’s new series, “Class of 3000,” lopes up a hill on the computer screen projected onto the Weisman Art Gallery’s wall. “Together, we’re gonna tear down the walls of convention with a wrecking ball of creativity,” the voice best known for “Hey Ya!” exclaims. Steve Killingbeck, founder of punygames.com, clicks on “Auditorium,” and a melting pot of student musicians appear next to Sunny. Killingbeck clicks on Tamika, a guitar player with the eyes of a vixen and hair like a crashing ocean wave. Green boxes pop up next to her, …

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It all started with a bang. The city of Crush, Texas staged a monumental crash between two 32-ton locomotives on Sept. 15, 1896. The collision caused these two metal monsters to explode and burst into flames, intermingling smoke, metal and fire. This historic collision was the pet project of George William Crush, a charismatic agent of the Missouri, Kansas and Texas Railway. Before the collision, Crush appeared on the tracks atop a white horse. He threw down his hat and the trains set off on their one-way journey. Shrapnel and fire bellowed from the engines after the collision, injuring and …

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Thinking of my future.
I picture father’s face,
And realize,
That I’ve
Liked the Nobel Prize.
Since always.
It carved my smile.
The prize that’s never,
Advertised.
Like the pictures flashing
on all four walls,
That the boy’s black pupil,
Magnifies.
Laughter sickly rises.
From Radiation Roy.
That inanimate,
Mushroom-
fuck blindfold,
That changed all mankind.
Is paid,
to try,
To change my mind. I’m trying in turn, to turn
This Indian summer,
And unwrap confusion.
With just you and,
my, Shaking,
Hands as my, case against apathy.
It’s in flames
My state, fair …

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I could write of the great divides.
In America.
Or the Americas.
But, rather.
I’d like to be with my selfish right now.
I would like to alter my state,
Of being, legally,
Become officially obliterated.
One night only.
Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week.
Herbert Hoover said:
Blessed be the young,
For they will inherit our national debt.
I say, Blessed be the embryos,
For we value their lives more than our own,
Than our poor.
Than our tired.
Than our weary.
Here I am speaking again,
Naively, foolishly, of the divide.
And on which side am …

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I am a real man.
I know
everything.
I am a good Christian.
I know that the Great Gatsby is trash.
That Fitzgerald had a money fetish, and no more class than,
Charles Manson,
And no talent.
They had a knack to,
engage an audience.
English majors who dig symbolism,
And teen rebels who hate their parents,
All cream themselves simultaneously.
I don’t, I laugh,
“pathetic!”, I cry.
Give me:
Bukowski, and raw meat.
Season it with pepper spray, MSG, and aspartame.
Give me grain alcohol, LSD, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
I want:
trench warfare, …

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At 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 8, I stood in the unusually temperate fall sun calmly waiting for the Campus Connector to drop me off for my self-guided tour of the St. Paul Campus. I cordially invite you, dear reader, to follow me on my tour; with the goal to inform and educate you on the activities and destinations of our splendid sister to the east.By 1:50 p.m., after a pleasant ride on the bus, I end up on the South exterior of the St. Paul Student Center. Stepping off of the bus, the verdure of the agricultural-education dominated campus …

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Avian flu has evolved from a harmless virus in wild ducks to a deadly virus that may one day become the next catastrophic pandemic. In order to combat this infectious disease, millions of birds in Asia have been killed and a vaccine against the H5N1 strain of avian flu is under development in several countries, according to the World Health Organization. These measures, though necessary, are not addressing the root of the problem according to Dr. Michael Greger, Director of Public Health and Animal Agriculture from the Humane Society of the United States. The next pandemic will be an unnatural …

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Nothing is free today, especially at the University of Minnesota. Freshman year is blurry and who knows how much money was spent that year. Sophomore year is when you become more aware of the finances because now a job is required to survive. Junior and senior year forces some to move back home with mom and dad and commute to school. This seems to be a logical thought. A free place to live, home cooked meals, free laundry services: but think again. Many parents are still dizzy thinking about freshman year when all their money was spent on ridiculous …

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“Vote for change” was the theme Democrats picked to campaign upon in the recent election and the results show that it appealed to voters. Across the nation, Democrats picked up 15 more seats than they needed for a majority in the House of Representatives and won a narrow majority of 51 seats in the Senate when several Democratic candidates upset their Republican opponents.At a post-election analysis sponsored by the Center for the Study of Politics and Governance , former Congressman Vin Weber and Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak joined professor Lawrence Jacobs to explore “What Happened on Tuesday?” Jacobs called the …

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