Twelve Americans were shipped to Guantanamo Bay this week for violating Bush’s latest “proverbial constitutional amendment” (as the Bush Administration now titles its anti-constitutional laws made in the name of homeland security). The law signed last Monday effectively bans all Christmas music, making it a federal crime to listen to, play or sing traditional songs.“The real weapons of mass destruction are those catchy jingles,” President Bush said at a White House press conference yesterday. New intelligence apparently suggests that Christmas music contains messages to terrorists within the United States. “Deck the Halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la,” …

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As I clicked my blue, size 0.7mm, BIC mechanical pencil and started to sign the application form for the Mr. Superblock ’07 competition, I was in utter ignorance of the seedy underworld of corruption and crime I was about to enter. A world of such unrivaled vanity and pretension, no man can survive its evil. I’d entered the world of male pageants, and would never be able to find my way back out.You’ve heard the occasional horror story, and you’ve maybe even caught the tail end of a related “Dateline” report, but even a fully detailed firsthand account couldn’t prepare …

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Crime rates, the spread of HIV/AIDS, and greenhouse-gas emission are falling at record rates this winter as a modest proposal reaches the masses and seems to be changing the world for the better. These drastic changes in the state of the nation are amazing economists, government officials and postal workers around the country. People from every state, from every biome and every street corner, are uniting, giving up vice, and improving the world by embracing a new diet regime formulated by a doctor from Texas: The Backwater Diet. “[The Backwater Diet] has united the country in a way I never …

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It was do or die for us. The air was cold and naughty. We felt like that feeling you get when you walk outside on winter days—cold and depressed. I don’t know why but there was this thing that was standing solid on the side of the passage—idle, like the mind of a dumb person. It was frozen, probably from the cold—because winters here are known for not being liked by many people. As luck would have it, a car drove towards us at a snails pace and finally picked us up. The …

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I’m dead inside because of you.
I see those times we shared
laughing and being real
until you left me hanging.It’s not fair being human.
I want you more than anything—
even toast, like when we used
stay up late at night smoking weed and sharing
secrets.
Even the dark ones that nobody tells
because they make them look bad.I want that feeling again.
That desire to be more.
But alas, this is not my shore to
get off on.
Because I’m drowning and
not walking on solid surfaces.I want to be warm like a blanket.
I want …

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I knelt down next to him,
The knee of my pants quickly
Sucked up some of the blood.
I propped his head up on the
Railroad track.
The brown grass devoured
The blood like water, and
Suddenly the sun stood up
Accusing me.
The trail of his intestines
Slithered through the grass
And underneath the overturned car.
The two wheels facing me were
Still spinning.
I couldn’t tell if the sky was
Red or black.
Finally, the bright white of his
Eyes and the flies landing in the
Half of his face that remained
Attached to his skull made…

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With final exams just around the corner, it can often be difficult for students to adequately prepare for the upcoming holiday season. There is just not enough time to ace all of those exams as well as pick out that perfect gift. With the amount of time consumed with studying for and taking final exams, students tend to only have a small window of opportunity in which to purchase thoughtful gifts and bake loads of holiday treats.Student organizations, Retail Association of Undergraduates (RAU) and Damn it Tastes Good (DITG), are teaming up in an effort to reverse this trend. They …

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Increasing application numbers and rising tuition costs have the University of Minnesota Twin Cities re-examining their policies on education and graduation.Effective September 2007, all incoming freshmen will finish their education in record time, walking in the graduation procession in May of 2009. The university currently has a 13-credit policy each semester to ensure that its students graduate in four years. This is set to change to a two year goal. This means that all students will have to take 30 credits a semester to graduate with 120 credits.Through extensive research, the university has found that 84 percent of its …

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The highly anticipated unveiling of TCF Bank Stadium is set to occur this coming fall in time for the 3009 academic and athletic season.“Sure we’ve had a few setbacks, but the important thing is we’re now on track to reach our goal,” recently unfrozen past University President Bob Bruininks says. His cryogenically preserved body has been in storage since 2018 when he vowed that an on-campus stadium would be achieved within his lifetime.The ostentatious coliseum is reported to be well-worth its staggering $248 billion price tag. Stadium features include: an invisible quasi-dome giving the impression of an open-air environment (the …

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The University of Minnesota Pure Disco Crew started out this semester as a student organization that had a vision and pair of platform shoes. Despite criticism from some students, faculty and staff, the Pure Disco Crew is out to prove that disco is not dead.A mirror ball slowly rotates from the ceiling of Joel Bergman’s basement and a red laser beam shoots through a cloud emitted from a fog machine. Sounds of trumpets ascend in volume as it blares from the stereo in the corner. “Alright everybody,” Bergman says. “It’s KC and the Sunshine Band. Let’s tear this floor up.”Welcome …

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As off-field problems continue to come for the Cincinnati Bengals, Marvin Lewis has decided to hold the Bengals’ next week of practice at Stray Field. The field, usually littered with pop bottles, will be convenient for Chris Henry, Odell Thurman and Reggie McNeal.

Famous Hollywood actor Robin Williams denied a request to host a fundraising dinner for the Society for the Advancement of Evolution Research (SAER). Williams stated, “Because there will be other primates on hand that I might be confused with, I decided not to host the function.” Williams also went on to say that this will also give him more time to make horrible movies like Man of the Year and RV.

As health insurance costs rise and coverage gets more limited, new changes came late Tuesday evening from Blue Cross Blue Shield. The massive health insurance provider will not allow students whose studies focus on psychology to see psychologists. All expenses must be paid for out-of-pocket by the students. A spokesperson for Blue Cross Blue Shield said, “If the kids would study more, they could treat themselves. Since they are too lazy to do that, we will not foot the bill any longer.”

Joseph Ketterling Jr., a sophomore from Burnsville, Minn., was rejected at Beauty and the Geek auditions. Ketterling, a self proclaimed “Warlord” and mathematician, tried out for MTV’s reality show after seeing other contestants kissing girls with ease.

Due to misunderstanding and complete ignorance, many fights happen to occur on Canada’s holiday which takes place on December 26. It seems ironic since the holiday’s meaning has nothing to do with the fist fighting. The holiday occurs one day after Christmas, which leaves experts to wonder if the fights happen because people didn’t receive the gifts they hoped for.