The Wake

Ah, Valentine’s Day. The perfect excuse to cry your lonely self to sleep, wishing you had the courage to ask that cute red-headed girl to be your valentine. After all, if Charlie Brown could never get her, what chance did you have?

But before you broken-heartedly dismiss the holiday as a corporate sham designed to boost the teddy bear and chocolate industries, let us take a moment to play athletics matchmaker and pair the sports figures that deserve to spend Valentine’s Day together. After all, sports are people too… or something like that.

Marion Barber III & Kris Humphries. Since Barber decided to forgo his final year of eligibility and jump ship to the NFL, it seems fitting to pair him with the U’s former super-kid, Kris Humphries. Ever since Humphries took off the maroon and gold, his former team has flourished and has an outside chance at making the NCAA tournament. Maybe Barber’s departure will have some weird, coincidental similarities for a regularly underachieving football team. With the bling inherent in the move to professional sports, the two will have an expensive date. They will eat $70 porterhouse steaks at Rossi’s Steakhouse in downtown Minneapolis followed by a romantic outing at professional athletes’ second home, the strip club.

Janel McCarville & that twerp who thinks he’s the shit at intramural basketball. Wow. Janel McCarville is one heck of a basketball player. And that jerk who never passes in intramural basketball because he thinks he is God’s gift to the three-pointer is on the opposite end of the basketball spectrum. You know what they say: opposites attract. The two will enjoy an evening of one-on-one b-ball. That’ll teach the douche bag.

Goldy & Crunch. There has been a long period of sexual tension between the mascots of the Gophers and Timberwolves. It all stemmed from an encounter at a mascot mixer when the two were in seventh grade. Crunch was harassed by the drunk and belligerent Bucky Badger, so Goldy bravely cut in and shared a slow dance to Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do.” The two will enjoy an evening of big game hunting.

This issue’s Most Valuable Gopher: Vincent Grier. No one expected the men’s basketball team to do much this year. After all, the squad lost last year’s Big Ten leading scorer and rebounder, Kris Humphries. It turned out the departure of Pretty Boy Humphries was a blessing as it instilled a team mentality for a group used to big name, spotlight-hogging players like Humphries, Rick Rickert, and Joel Prysbilla. However, the addition of Vincent Grier has been key in sparking the Gophers into one of its best seasons since the Clem Haskins era. Grier, a transfer from Dixie State Junior College, has had a phenomenal debut in maroon and gold. His athleticism and intensity on the floor is contagious and makes the Gophers a dangerous team.