The Wake

Remember a couple weeks ago when we were all embarrassed to be attending the U of M and contemplated dropping out to become a prostitute? Before a bid to the Insight Bowl and trumped-up wins against an inexperienced Indiana team, a shoddy Michigan State team and an underachieving Iowa team which the Minnesota players deserve credit for. It was when North Dakota State’s small, slow and bad Division-II football runts came into the Metrodome and should have beat us.

Heads were held low, Minnesota t-shirts were covered up, and everyone sat alone at the dark, far end of the bar taking tequila shots ’til 2 in the morning. It was sickening to be a Golden Gopher fan that day. The players were humiliated and hibernated for days. Students were throwing their lives away left and right. Watching “Deal or No Deal” 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Registering as Republicans. Voting Independent. Listening to Democrats. It was a scary time in Dinkytown. Coach Glen Mason, however, felt a different way.

“This is the kind of game that puts a smile on your face. When you’re outcoached and outplayed and still win.”

Really? The students have watched their football program disintegrate and you got a smile on your face, Glen? Your players couldn’t look in the mirror without wanting to vomit and you got a smile on your face? Your assistants were embarrassed to be connected with such filth and you got a smile on your face? You just got slapped in the face by a D-II coach’s back hand and you got a smile on your face?

Let’s run down Glen’s record quickly. 31-48 in the Big Ten. 17-63 career against teams .500 or better. Best finish in the Big Ten: Fourth. 3-6 against Iowa, 2-8 against Wisconsin, 1-7 against Michigan.

It’s Rotten. Well, Athletics Director Joel Maturi and I have been negotiating, burning the midnight lamp. I told him the facts: I could do just as bad a job as Glen–I couldn’t do any worse–and I won’t charge $1.6 million.

I could have scheduled Temple, Kent St., and NDSU for some easy wins. I would’ve recruited a kicker who could make an extra point to beat Penn State. I wouldn’t have blown a 21-point lead to Michigan. I’d remember who Ernie Wheelwright is. I could’ve gotten bowl games out of Laurence Maroney; hell, I could’ve gotten Rose Bowl games out of The Laurence Maroney. I would’ve kept the best Minnesota players in-state; James Laurinaitis, anyone? Anyone?

Am I being arrogant? Am I filled with undeserved narcissism and a talk-radio football mind? Probably. Probably drunk, too. But that’s neither here nor there, because coaching football isn’t rocket science or brain surgery; it’s not even changing a tire, which is the hardest science known to civilization.

Football isn’t that hard: Our lines need to beat their lines, we need the ball in the hands of our best players and we need to keep the ball out of the hands of their best players, good field position is better than bad field position. Get good assistant coaches, defenses win championships, turnovers kill, clichés inspire, keep kids in-state; James Laurinaitis, anyone? Anyone?

That’s the tried and true, simple, blue-chip method to building a college football winner. It works in Iowa, Wisconsin, so why not Minnesota? I’ll get the football program to the next level for rent money. And a car; I want a Prius, help out the environment and junk. And some beer.

Or don’t hire me. I don’t need that mess anyway. I didn’t even want to coach. Hire someone else, for all I care; the NDSU Coach, perhaps? I bet he’s cheaper than $1.6 million, much cheaper. Or hire some local high school coach, that’d be real cheap. John Gagliardi is like Vince Lombardi and the Pope combined, why not sign him?

Because if we’re going to be mediocre year after year, which is and will continue to be Mason’s M.O., we might as well do it at a low cost.