The Wake

It was a cold February night when a group of nine amateurs took the ice for the first time as a team. These athletes, known collectively as the Fortknighters, were unskilled, uncoordinated and undersized. Only one of these “athletes” knew that there were special shoes meant for playing broomball. Some teams wore hockey helmets, while certain members of this team opted for bicycle helmets.

For their first game, the Fortknighters’ lineup consisted of LT in the net, KrS-1 and Heart ‘n Soule playing defense with Michael Myers and the Notorious BRIE playing forwards. This group took the ice like wolves on the prowl. Line changes were infrequent, but effective. Hell ‘N Brand and Bagger Vance each netted goals within minutes of shuffling on the ice. At halftime the Fortknighters wanted to change their team name to Dr. Scholl’s because they were gellin’ so well on the ice. At the end of the game, when the smoke had cleared, LT recorded 21 saves and didn’t give up any goals. LT was the only goalie in the league smart (or stupid) enough not to wear any protective gear when playing goalie on ice. Blood is not usually shed in a friendly game of broomball, but this team had other intentions. After the game, random bruises and cuts filled the elbows and knees of this team on a mission.

The next games came and passed; victories came easy for the Fortknighters. The team’s fourth game however was a beast of a match-up. The Fortknighters hadn’t faced a player who mastered the sliding slap shot like the captain of the fourth team. LT struggled in the net for the first time all season, while Heart ‘n Soule applied pressure to no avail. The sliding bastard torched the Fortknighters the entire game and the team’s record fell to 3-1.

The Fortknighters faced yet another talented opponent the following game. The team was dressed in red; one player resembled Jesus. This Jesus look-alike put the Fortknighters in their place for the second straight game.

As the season wore on, the endless amount of post-game (and sometimes pre-game) partying caught up with this Cinderella team. The Fortknighters narrowly missed the playoffs. While other teams put together All-Star lineups in search of a championship, this team was made up of a bunch of Davids who couldn’t slay the Goliaths of the league.

Editor’s Note: Like a made for TV movie, this story was based very loosely on actual events.