The Wake

In a somewhat expected move, the University of Minnesota has announced that libraries across campus will be shut down and their contents sold to help fund the proposed $248 million football stadium pending congress’ approval.

Rep. Ron Abrams (R-43B) introduced the bill informally known as “Books for Balls.” Rep. Adams is also the chief sponsor of the football stadium bill. Political analysts expect the bill to easily pass through the House and Senate in the coming weeks. If passed, Gov. Pawlenty, who has openly expressed his support for the bill, is expected to sign off and give university officials the go-ahead to begin the clearance of all libraries on campus.

“It just makes sense,” Pawlenty said at a Monday press conference. “The common student no longer needs the libraries or the books within them. Have you ever heard of Google?”

The soon-to-be abandoned buildings have been a hot topic of discussion across campus. If the bill is passed, it is expected that Wilson Library will be converted into “One huge kick-ass frat,” as described by Greek Association President known only as “Killer.” University officials could not confirm Killer’s assertion, but judging by the increasing amount of Coors Light cans and discarded pink shirts outside Wilson, the conversion may already have begun.

Other university libraries may be converted into eating establishments, according to a press release from the university. President Bob Bruininks said the university has been in talks with multiple national food chains.

“Thanks to the MSA’s recommendations, the university has met with representatives from Hooters, IHOP and Denny’s among others,” Bruininks said. “We’re making great progress and I think students will really appreciate being able to grab a beer and wings or a plate of pancakes on campus.”

Bob Decker, a University economics professor, is thrilled by the proposals outlined in the new bill and the prospect of new restaurants on campus.

“Having a Hooters on campus would be perfect,” Decker said. “I haven’t read a book in years and I’m fully behind the bill. Hopefully congress can find a way to get it done.”

Coupled with the excitement of a campus-wide renovation of university libraries is the support of the funding that the massive book sale will provide.

Abrams, speaking with reporters Tuesday, said, “Well the real winners here are the students. With the dusty old books being sold off to universities who inexplicitly are not in support of new sporting facilities, students can expect their $50-a-year student fees for the stadium reduced to somewhere in the range of $45.”

If the bill is passed, the books will be up for sale at public auctions to be held at times throughout the summer. University officials, confident the bill will move through the state legislature quickly, have set a tentative auction date of June 15 on the Northrop mall. Students will be able to bid, but football coach Glen Mason, among others, have highly discouraged it, stating that it really adds to a anti-football atmosphere across campus.

“I’m just saying that if students across campus used all the time they would waste reading books into donating and campaigning for a new stadium, the campus would have already had it built,” Mason said. “By boycotting the purchase of the books, students can send a message to the Capitol that they will not let academics get in the way of a mediocre football season and a unheard-of bowl game.”

The total monetary gain for the university from the book sales is estimated to be around $5 million or approximately two percent of the stadium cost. The bill, which has garnered unprecedented support throughout the state, will be voted on by the House in the coming days.