The Wake

“Could you please collect these files for an FQA audit?” asks my supervisor.

“No problem,” I say, sipping my coffee and staring blankly at my computer screen. “I’ll get them to you by three.” I collect the files and go through the compliance checklist, making sure all the necessary documents are in the file and were printed within the appropriate time-frame. It’s a fine art. It really is.

But the whole time I’m thinking about basketball. Not the NBA playoffs or the potential of next year’s Gopher teams. I’m thinking about pick-up basketball.

I drink another cup of coffee and check out the view from my cubicle on the seventh floor. Just four blocks south is a playground with basketball hoops. I see people who look like little ants moving back and forth on the pavement and a tear wells in my eye. How I envy the pick-up basketball player.

I may be trapped in a florescent-lit, business casual-wearing, soul-sucking mortgage-torium, unable to participate in the precious pastime of pick-up basketball. But I can help those who have yet to experience such an activity and, perhaps, even teach a few new things to the grizzled pick-up junkie.

Please allow me to present for you The Wake’s Guide To Pick-up Basketball.

The first thing to do is find a playground with a basketball court, preferably with people already there. If you find an empty one, you’ll have a tough time trying to put a game together. Trust me: I know from experience. Once you’ve found a court and people to play with, you’re halfway there.

When picking teams, try to get on the team with the big guy. There’s always a big guy. I’m not talking about the super-tall guy necessarily, but the big, mean, ugly guy who looks like he chews on rocks. He usually doesn’t look like he’d be the best player on the court, but he’s a valuable resource in pick-up basketball for several reasons, which will be highlighted throughout the guide.

The next step is to make sure your shoes are tied and your zipper (if applicable) is all the way up. You don’t want to fall for the old “your shoe’s untied,” or “your zipper’s down” tricks. If you hear those lines now, you’ll know they’re lying and you won’t have to check.

Now pick-up basketball can be a rough game. This is where the big, ugly mofo comes into play. His size and straight thugishness will give your team an advantage down low. While players can call their own fouls, everyone will be reluctant to call out the big guy.

Along these same lines, feel free to call as many fouls as you deem necessary. Again, your big guy will provide you with the protection you need.

The last thing to remember is that the backboards and rims on playground hoops can be quite terrible. When the ball bounces off either part of the hoop, it’s more like a pinball machine than a backboard or rim. You have no idea where the ball is going to bounce. Keep that in mind before you start thinking you’re the only one on your team that can shoot.

I hope you learned something from this little guide but, more importantly, I hope you all learned a little something about life along the way.