Tailgating is the Biggest Win We’re Going to Have
September 5th, 2006
By Archived Story
Another autumn. The time of year when Rush Limbaugh skips down Fourth Street wearing fishnet stockings and thigh-high black boots with eight-inch stiletto heels as he tries to lure unsuspecting freshmen into his lair of conservative love. The lair supposedly contains stripper poles, a 71-inch TV on a continuous Fox News loop, George W. blowup dolls with kung-fu grip, and Ann Coulter in chains.
But autumn is not the sweetest time of year because of that. What could be good about Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh in a sex dungeon?
Autumn is great because of football. Fans have been itchin’ and scratchin’ for the beloved pigskin to come back. They have been going down to the corner and “accidentally” bumping into the dealer just to strike up a conversation which then “accidentally” steers toward: “Hey, football season is just around the corner. …”
Then they ask for crank.
This autumn, Golden Gophers fans should be none too happy, psyched, jazzed, or even content.
Instead of going his usual, patented route of playing glorified Division 1-AA teams and starting the season 4-0, getting the alumni’s hopes up, Glen Mason scheduled good, competent teams to play. Teams that don’t have quarterbacks pissing down their right leg and crying for Mama when they step onto that hallowed Metrodome turf. Teams with coaches who order their linebackers dope up with huge amounts of performance-enhancing steroids, giving them the size and speed of Humvees.
The Gophers are used to starting the season against nice, wholesome teams that would congratulate them after yet another tacked-on touchdown in the 4th quarter, which would make the score 212-17.
“Oh, good show, Laurence. You truly are a king. May I please have your autograph, sir? Just sign it: To Bob, my best amigo, accountant, and friend. Look out, extra point coming through.”
This year, Mason scheduled an away game at a Top-15 school, The University of California, which has been climbing the college football ladder for the past few years after they developed envy from being in USC’s shadow. Cal has NFL talent in their receiver, defensive line and a running back that is being stalked on Facebook by every single NFL scout. Cal will do to the Gophers what Vesuvius did to … uh … shit.
That is after the Gophers trampled Kent State, 44-0. So the Gophers will be 1-1 with Temple heading into the Metrodome, ready to walk on coals toward the Gopher’s second win. I guess Glen didn’t do too badly in scheduling cheap, easy wins this season. Who knew that Temple even had a football team?
All right, so the Gophers are hypothetically 2-1 going into Purdue. Well, Minnesota doesn’t win on the road. It doesn’t happen, ever. Two-2. Then Michigan and Penn State come to the Dome. Is anyone thinking those are wins? Yeah. So they’re 2-4 heading into Wisconsin. Wisconsin is on a down year, but it’s in Wisconsin. Two wins, five losses. Then North Dakota State’s impressive 27-man roster comes to town ready to hand over win No. 3 on a golden platter. Mason can bring that hollow win to banquets and show off to all the ready, willing and able boosters.
The Gophers are 3-5 heading into a real football school, Ohio State University. OSU is a team that knows how to put its players in a position to win. Take Maurice Clarett, a kid who only had one year to play football; some missionary commitment or something prevented him from playing more than one year. Anyway, Jim Tressel got the best out of Clarett, a championship. No one has heard much about Maurice since his one year of eligibility. I wonder where he is now. Oh, and Ohio State won by an embarrassingly large margin.
The team will be 3-6 with Indiana’s pathetic example of a football team schlepping into the Dome, 4-6. The Gophers then travel to Michigan State and follow that up with Iowa at home. The combined total stats for Drew Stanton (Michigan State QB) and Drew Tate (Iowa QB) in those games will be: 1,163 passing yards, 21 passing touchdowns, 439 rushing yards and 12 rushing touchdowns.
Final record: 4 wins and 8 losses. There you go ladies and gentlemen, the 2006 Minnesota Golden Gophers. That means Mason is making $412,500 per victory this year.
