The Wake

Sorriest Super Bowl Ever Award: Super Bowl XL

The spectacle of bad officiating, horrible football and a disturbing halftime show featuring 94 year-old Mick Jagger shake like a crack addict does not make for good entertainment. The Super Bowl is supposed to be the climax of the NFL season. Instead we watched Detroit-darling Jerome Bettis fail to run in a one-yard touchdown, Jerramy Stevens drop three balls and Troy Polamalu screw up multiple coverages. Even Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward dropped two passes, including one in the end zone. Despite the bad football, the officiating may have been worse. A phantom holding call on Matt Hasselbeck at a critical point in the game was downright mysterious. The only good story from the Super Bowl was Hines Ward getting the chance to judge this year’s Miss America pageant. Bastard.

The Most Innocent Man Alive Award: Barry Bonds

There is no way this gentle, fun-loving teammate took steroids. Everyone loves him (just ask Jeff Kent). And finally we have proof to dispel these fictitious steroid rumors: Bonds wore a “Say No To Drugs” wristband in 1987 as a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. This means that Bonds would never knowingly take steroids. Remember, Bonds has never failed a drug test and even his lawyer says he is not guilty. For authentic, unbiased information about Bonds visit his website where the truth about Bonds is revealed in his journal. It is obvious by the number of fans supporting him on the website and all the smiling pictures, that he is a peaceful man who would never, ever take steroids. Of course, we could be wrong.

What the Hell Happened Award: Gopher Women’s Basketball

How do you lose five players in two weeks? Is Pam Borton really that scary? We may never know the answers to these questions, but one thing is certain: The women’s basketball team is in shambles. After losing Jamie Broback, Liz Podominick, Natasha Williams, Lauren Lacey and Britney Davis, the Gophers will need a miracle to reach the NCAA tournament next season. At least ex-Gopher coach Brenda Frese is also struggling to revitalize Maryland’s basketball program. Oh wait, they won the National Championship this year. Never mind.

Shhhhh Award: Gopher’s Dance Team

Every semester there is a certain team that does something unbelievable and completely under the radar. It appears the Gopher dance team has done it four years in a row. With a fourth straight national championship this year, Minnesota’s dance team is a dancing dynasty. Maybe a fifth consecutive national title will give these ladies the recognition they deserve.

Most Improved Gopher Award: Kelly Roysland, Women’s Basketball

This third-year Gopher played both backcourt positions (point and shooting guard) and served her team as either a starter or Minnesota’s top bench option.

Roysland, a junior from Fosston, Minn., earned a career-high in points this season. She scored 257 total points, including an 8.9 per-game average — both of which ranked second on the team. Roysland absolutely blazed-up Big Ten three-point arcs this season, making 51.2 percent (21-41) of her three-pointers in conference play. Kelly also led Minnesota in overall three-point shooting (30-69, 43.5 percent) and in free throws, converting 77 of 93 attempts.

One final note: On March 18, in her team’s last game of the season — an NCAA tournament game vs. Washington — Roysland led all scorers with a career-high 23 points.

Chariots of Gold Award: Heather Dorniden, Women’s Track and Field

The nation’s top female runner is a freshman from Minnesota. As odd as that sounds it may very well be true.

Dorniden, a freshman from Inver Grove Heights, Minn. (Rosemount High School), won the NCAA national title at this year’s indoor championships in Fayetteville, Ark. She won this title in the 800-meter competition by running it in 2 minutes and 5.64 seconds. Dorniden’s performance was also the first national title to ever be accomplished by a Minnesota runner.

In Dorniden’s outdoor season, the freshman phenom obliterated a U of M record in a meet at the University of Georgia April 8. Dorniden ran 800 meters in 2 minutes and 3.81 seconds. The Minnesota 800-meter record previously belonged to Ann Lundin (two minutes, 7.71 seconds in 1985).

Look for Dorniden to break more records this June at the national outdoor championships in Sacramento, Calif.

Rising Senior Star Award: Vincent Grier, Men’s Basketball

This senior athlete has mad skills. Grier may have not lived up to expectations created by his All-Big Ten 2004-05 season. However, the Charlotte, N.C. native was able to finish his senior season with the Gophers on a high note.

Last year Grier dazzled many Minnesota basketball fans with his assortment of rim-rattling dunks and team-leading 17.9 points per game. The 6-foot-5 guard/forward’s success led Minnesota to a 21-11 (10-6 Big Ten) record and an NCAA tournament appearance last season. This year, Grier suffered through an early season injury (a broken bone in his shooting hand) and a losing season in conference play.

Grier’s Gophers finished its season at 16-15 (5-11 Big Ten), but individually he flourished toward season’s end. On March 15, Grier thrilled the Williams-Arena faithful with his final home performance, leading all players in points (18) and assists (8), while pulling down seven rebounds in Minnesota’s 73-58 NIT win over Wake Forest. Grier followed that performance with an 18-point, 8-rebound effort in Minnesota’s 76-62 loss to Cincinnati — his final game as a Gopher.

Former National Champion and Heisman Hopeful Most Likely to be Sleeping on your Front Lawn: Maurice Clarett

After leading Ohio State to the 2002 national championship his freshman year, Clarett was suspended from the university and denied the right to declare for the NFL draft in 2003. He remained unemployed until he was somehow drafted by Denver in 2005. In camp, Clarett was hideously overweight, injured frequently and was found drinking alcohol in the team’s training facility. He was quickly released. Now millions of dollars in debt from legal fees, Clarett has made the logical decision to turn to crime. He has been charged with a total of nine counts of criminal acts, but is currently a free man out on bail until his trial begins. So at your next party, watch out for the guy that can’t afford the $5 keg cup and whips out a gun demanding liquor. The next morning, Maurice Clarett may just be sleeping on your front lawn.

Biggest Disappointment Award: Jamie Broback, Women’s Basketball

The Minnesota women’s basketball team leading scorer finished her third year as a Gopher with the poorest effort of her career.

In Minnesota’s NCAA tournament opener versus Washington, the 6-foot-3 junior forward scored just two points. Her performance (which included on 1-5 shooting and 0-2 from the line) was soon followed by her decision to leave Minnesota. Broback leaves the program after she helped the Gophers reach the Sweet Sixteen twice, including one Final Four.

Over the course of the season (Broback’s third at Minnesota), the Apple Valley native saw her points-per-game average drop from 14.4ppg in ’04-05 to 13.7 this year. She was, however, able to accomplish her highest single-game point total (33, vs. NDSU Jan. 26) and improve other aspects of her game—posting career highs in rebounding (6.8rpg) and assists (2.6apg) averages.

Her departure highlighted a five-player exodus from Gopher women’s basketball—which also included rising sophomore, Natasha Williams (8.2 points, 3.8 rebounds per game this season)