The Wake

Don’t buy Super Smash Bros. Brawl if you have a column due.

There are myriad reasons why, but I’ll focus on one: It is terminally good. I chose that word with care; Brawl is a terminal game. It will end careers, marriages, friendships, and college educations. In fact, fuck it, I’m expanding my suggestion.

Don’t buy Brawl if you want to:

have friends who don’t play Brawl
pass any classes this semester
have sex at any point in the near …

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Never, no matter what the circumstances, put a balloon on your cock.

Now, I understand the variety of situations in which that would seem like an appealing course of action. “But Deniz, I ran out of condoms and they look approximately the same!” “But Deniz, I just got a pack of vibrantly colored glow-in-the-dark ones!” Save it. No matter how desperate your situation or how appealing the balloons, this is not a good idea.

Sure, it’ll let …

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Despite touring perpetually throughout their musical career, Against Me! still managed to release a critically acclaimed punk album last year, one that was nominated for several album of the year awards. New Wave, the band’s sixth release in their decade long career, has inspired a slew of new tour dates across the country, including a show at the Target Center with The Foo Fighters …

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While reading Dan Savage one afternoon, I stumbled upon the website of a certain high-profile porn blogger and was taken in by her rhetoric. She seemed down-to-earth about pornography, admitting that most of it sucks, but holding that it serves a purpose and should not be looked down on. Interested, I took a look at her recommendations section, and though most of what she recommended seemed fairly standard, one film caught my eye: The Fashionistas. …

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Do we have to do another “video games are not reality” disclaimer? There’s a very common reaction that non-Guitar Hero players tend to have when they see a seasoned GH pro in action: “Wow, if he spent that energy on playing a real instrument, he’d be great!” Just because the controller is shaped like a guitar doesn’t mean that it plays like one. If you hit all the notes, it’s a perfect performance; there are …

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