To whom it may concern,

It was recently brought to my attention that a small “news” short that
appeared in our recent “Bizarro” finals week issue has been deemed
offensive by some. The article referred to the newly-opened frozen
yogurt shop, Chilly Billy’s, and their apparent popularity among white
students. “Sarah Johnson” is not a real person; no part of this
article is intended to be factual, but it was intended to represent an
observation that I have been making recently. This …

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In the bleak tundra where China and North Korea meet, refugees pour over the border daily. If caught by the government, either Chinese or North Korean, they face immediate deportation back to the isolated Communist country. Officials in China are searching for a way to ebb the flow of refugees from North Korea, though they fight not only sympathizers but human traffickers as well. The problem of North Korean refugees is further complicated by China’s …

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Ah, Hot Pockets. The most trusted brand to keep you fed through college on a tight budget. Likely invented for astronauts, Hot Pockets are efficiently designed to contain all their gooey goodness inside a delicious bread-like crust. They even have herbs sprinkled on said crusts, so you know it’s gourmet (or as near to gourmet as you will ever get because you have to eat Hot Pockets). Described by Wikipedia as “microwavable turnovers,” the delightful, …

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As the snow melts, the orange road signs begin to bloom again. This year they don’t just warn of soon-to-be-fixed potholes, but also mark the beginning of a half decade-long project deemed the Central Corridor Light Rail Transit (CCLRT). I know, I know, more convenient public transit, easier access to sports stadiums (woo fucking hoo), and another way to get to fun-filled downtown St. Paul! However, it also means closed businesses, more unnecessary condo developments, …

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Until recently, the Nintendo Wii video game system was the newest technological addition to the American nuclear family. Children, parents, and even grandparents would gather around the sleek system to watch their relatives flap like a bird in order to guide a computerized, chicken-suited avatar to a goal, swivel their hips to move virtual hula hoops, and jerk their bodies to steer cars. Now, thanks to …

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On Nov. 5 President Obama embarked on a 10-day trip to various countries in Asia. The President stopped in New Delhi and Mumbai in India, Jakarta in Indonesia, Yokohama in Japan, and Seoul in South Korea. While the trip has been touted as a foreign relations outreach to some of the fastest-growing markets in the world, one of the fastest growing of those …

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In the two-week span from late September to early October, four different young women reported being sexually assaulted at three separate fraternity houses along University Avenue. In at least two of the cases, University students were involved as both victims and perpetrators. Recently, the second reported assault case was closed by the Minneapolis Police Department due to a lack of evidence. However, the fraternities themselves are not escaping without consequences; a dry-house rule barring drinking …

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Ah, outer space. The final frontier, orbits, gravity, and other science words. Since the dawn of time, man has been awed by the infinite galaxy-filled blackness that lies above us and has attempted numerous times to master it. Orbiting the Earth every 24 hours, visible from every country in the world, the moon is the perfect strategic point in space. With the recent discovery of usable …

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Everyone knows that during college, your available funds drop drastically, no matter what background you come from. In order to keep from working during every free moment outside of class, it’s important to make the most of the free and nearly-free things around you, and The Wake is here to help.

Clinics and Health Services

While everyone is required to have health insurance to attend the U, that doesn’t mean that the insurance plan makes health care …

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Whenever a natural, or not so natural, disaster happens within the city limits, there is usually an outpouring of support for whomever has been affected. But this large amount of support does not always guarantee that the affected people will remain in the same place. As the recent fire in South Minneapolis shows, no area of Minneapolis …

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AIDS may have come to us from monkeys, but now it has worked its way over to koalas. According to recent data, 50 to 90 percent of our fuzzy Australian friends are infected with either KIDS, the koala version of AIDS, or Chlamydia. Scientists blame the high rates of STDS among koalas on deforestation; the koalas are forced to live closer together in a more stressful environment, and thus rates of infection increase. While the …

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Light rail, light rail, light rail. After the weather, the proposed Central Corridor light rail line has become the next most popular topic of conversation in Minnesota. If only this were a good thing. The majority of light rail-related talk is overwhelmingly negative; businesses are going to lose money because of construction, the U and Minnesota Public Radio have expensive and sensitive equipment that will be disrupted by the vibrations from the new line, and …

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Everyone, sit down. We need to talk. This Avatar business is getting out of hand. It was fine when you just wanted to go for the 3D glasses and special effects. The effects were epic and it is pretty sweet when a big-ass dinosaur gets all up in your face. But when you started painting yourself blue everyday that was my …

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Scientists recently shot a bus-sized rocket into the moon in a search for evidence of ice and water on the moon.

The moon bombing commenced at 6:31 a.m. central time, and did not deliver the explosion that was expected by NASA, and that most of the amateur astronomers were watching for.

The Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite, known as LCROSS, began by orbiting around the earth, then shooting a rocket into the Cabeus crater …

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After the protest on October 3 at the YWCA, I was, at first, filled with excitement. Four members of the Minnesota division of the National Socialist Movement, a white supremacist group, planned a protest of the YWCA’s recent conference, “More Than Skin Deep: Uprooting White Privilege and White Supremacy One Cell at a Time.” A counter protest was organized by community members in response to the …

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