Club Penguin CEO Announced as CLA Commencement Speaker

Because nobody can remember what Pandora is anyways

Illustrator: Claudia Dube

Recently, it was announced by the College of Liberal Arts that David Gerbitz, COO of Pandora Media and formerly the CLA Commencement Speaker, will be unable to appear as scheduled for the May 13 graduation ceremony. Instead, CEO of Club Penguin, Lane Merrifield, will be taking his place. The change came after the CLA commencement advisory committee noticed a record low number of RSVPs to graduation, presumably due to the lack of relevance and recognition of the original speaker.

“Even my parents think Pandora is outdated,” one student said. “They could have at least gotten the new guy from iTunes.”

Others also chimed in, saying Gerbitz sounded “lame” and that they would rather “darty” than attend their own graduation.

Commonly regarded as the pioneer of virtual worlds for children, Club Penguin was one of the largest social networks for kids at its peak. In contrast, Pandora somehow is still under the impression that millennials are interested in creating “stations” that only allow six song skips per listening session.

“I can’t even listen to what I want on Pandora,” another student remarked, adding that Kanye West Radio “doesn’t even play Kanye half of the time.”

“I’m just really excited that he’ll be there for the final chapter of our education,” one graduating senior said. “Club Penguin was what initially piqued my interest in media studies.”

The student has had a Club Penguin membership since 2007, shortly after its acquisition by Disney. “I’ll never forget the first time my account was banned—I haven’t used a curse word since.”

The CLA commencement advisory committee told The Wake that this change will hopefully resonate with the graduates who have fond memories of the online game. Because if CLA is going to book any mildly relevant tech wiz, they should be from a website we actually miss, right?