A list of fronts being used to swindle campaign funds

Illustrator: Jaye Ahn

Illustrator: Jaye Ahn

Republicans in the Minnesota House recently EXPOSED Democrats’ use of dark money when they introduced a bill targeting a mini doughnut booth at the Minnesota State Fair. Over the last 50 years, a local DFL chapter has run the booth and contributed its profits to local Democratic groups.

Well, it’s about time the GOP started to take on campaign finance reform. But this bill does not go far enough. There are still other fronts the Democrats are using to make money, and it is up to us in the press to expose these illegitimate businesses.

1) NPR: For years, listeners like you have been donating to NPR through pledge drives because of how much you love the show “Car Talk.” All the while, Nancy Pelosi has been using these funds to finance her re-election bids year after year. Now you may be wondering why your funds are specifically going to Pelosi. HONESTLY IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. NPR doesn’t even mean National Public Radio … IT’S NANCY PELOSI RADIO. OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE.

2) Alpacas: American hero Senator Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) dropped a truth bomb when he showed Americans were using alpacas as tax shelters. Basically the government is subsidizing alpacas.

And do you know who loves alpacas? That’s right … PETA. Their mission statement says that they work through public education, celebrity involvement, and protest campaigns. Sounds like the Democratic platform to me.

3) Spring Clean Laundry in Wichita, Kansas: Although Kansas is represented by Republicans in both the House and Senate, this laundromat is the biggest Democratic moneymaker in the nation. I have no proof yet, but I can’t think of a better way to launder money than through a laundromat.

4) Hollywood: Or should I say: A LIBERAL THINK TANK. Everyone knows that the movie biz supports only liberal candidates. I mean have you ever watched the Oscars? I think I’ve proven my point already. Just know that whenever you pay to see a movie, your American dollars are going into liberal snowflake pockets. What I’m saying is that true patriots pirate movies, and don’t forget to wear your tinfoil hats. TRUE PATRIOTS WEAR TIN FOIL.