Greetings. The time is upon us once again; that’s right, you guessed it: goth road trip! Get ready to put your winklepickers to the pedal, the pedal to the metal, and hell—listen to some metal while we’re at it (idc if it’s not pure goth lol DEAL WITH IT! I’m different). This trip will reign supreme over all others because this year, we’re taking a hearse. And I’m not talking about Joanne’s 1977 Toyota Corolla station wagon she spray painted black for our 2011 trip. Jeeves, the manager at the rental store, was more than happy to embellish our experience by installing candelabrums and a red velvet interior (after I had some fun with him, that is… told him I’d cast some spells after he first refused—the things people believe!)
I don’t mean to gloat, but I’ve really outdone myself with this year’s itinerary. I had a tremendous laugh thinking of our first road trip, where we just drove to the mall and walked around grimacing at everyone.
Everyone will meet at my house Sunday morning before dawn so that Chet can slowly adjust to the sun—thou art welcome, Count Chet! I’ve routed our trip to go through some of the most low-traffic underpasses for sporadic dance sessions to some Bauhaus, which will be led by Nicole. When the clock strikes one, we will arrive at Lakewood Cemetery, where we will dine on venison and red wine at Tiny Tim’s tombstone. I’ve arranged an enchanting minor rendition of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” that we can sing while we digest. We will then hop into the hearse and head home.
Some suggestions and forewarnings: My rabbit, Thorn, will be coming along. As he is in the middle of his shed cycle, I advise you bring your lint rollers. I know most of you don’t leave home without it, but I forgot mine last week when I went to the grocery store, and my entire aesthetic was shattered. Perhaps whilst on the road we can invent a goth sub-subculture where black garments should be donned with hairs, pills, and Thorn fluff :3 Additionally, I want to remind everyone to keep their safety pins fastened while the hearse is in motion. We don’t want a repeat of last year’s tragedy.