How to Avoid the Sun

A guide to finding darkness in a bright world

Do you ever have that feeling where you wish the sun would disappear forever and we could live in darkness for all eternity? Do you struggle to appreciate the sheer energy gifted to you by the ball in the sky responsible for all life on Earth? You’re not alone. There are many more anti-sunners out there dealing with the same problem, so here are some tips for staying out of the balmy Minnesota winter sun.

Illustrator: Lindsay Wirth

Illustrator: Lindsay Wirth

First off, we suggest purchasing an oculus-rift type helmet that darkens your field of vision to make your reality appear to be nighttime. The helmet is climate-controlled, and can become colder and windier as your night desires. This equipment is quite expensive as you might expect, so we recommend that those on a budget become nocturnal. All you have to do is change your internal clock so that living at night is natural for your body. Animals do this all the time, you can too! And what sounds better than starting your night at 9 p.m. every day?
Music can also have a major influence on emotions and behavior, therefore, you must choose your music carefully if the sun isn’t your jam. It’s highly encouraged to avoid songs mentioning that bastard yellow ball, such as “Who Loves the Sun” by The Velvet Underground. If you happen to hear “Here Comes the Sun,” run for your life. This doesn’t mean that you can’t listen to your beloved Beatles, as you can use the sun’s yellow appearance ironically and travel to the bottom of the sea in a submarine, where the light will never reach you.

If you are the adventurous type, there are two places on Earth that don’t see the sun for an entire season. That’s right, the Arctic Circle is sunless from December to March and the Antarctic Circle is sunless from June to September. The harsh, lifeless, blood-freezing winters are perfect vacation spots for those who hate the sun.

If these suggestions weren’t enlightening enough for you shade-seeking readers, just look on the “bright” side and stay patient. Our sun will die one day, and darkness will prevail.