PATAGONIA’S GRUESOME SECRET

Think your jacket was ethically produced? Think again.

Illustrator: Taylor Daniels

Illustrator: Taylor Daniels

Patagonia: The California-based outdoor clothing company is the gold standard for sustainable clothing production. The company’s use of recycled materials and insistence on repairing and reusing its products has established its status as the industry leader in environment-friendly outdoor wear.

But what if I told you that donating to environmental groups and using recycled nylon aren’t the only ways that Patagonia keeps its clothing so eco-friendly? What if I told you that Patagonia’s remarkable success is due to a sinister sustainable secret? Deep within the depths of its solar-powered production facility, Patagonia is committing unholy acts in the name of the planet.

PATAGONIA IS PEOPLE!

That’s right proles. That fancy-dancy fair-trade fleece your mom got you for Christmas? People. That stupid fish hat that Chris from accounting class wears every day? People. That brand-new Nano-Air® Puff® Hybrid™ Jacket Vest? All-natural, premium, grade-A, organic people.

How do I know? Think about it: Patagonia’s mission is to produce clothing in the most sustainable, environment-friendly way possible. What is better for the environment than getting rid of people?! Nothing! The average American is responsible for 19.8 tons of carbon emissions per person! A study by the Center for Sustainable Systems estimates that it would take FIVE Earths to support the current human population if everyone’s consumption patterns matched the average American! This leaves Patagonia literally no other choice but to repurpose people to be used in its clothing!

Don’t believe me? Don’t take my word for it. Here are the words of Patagonia founder, Yvon Chouinard:

“Reusing something instead of immediately discarding it, when done for the right reasons, can be an act of love which expresses our own dignity.”

Truly sickening.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “So what if Patagonia is made of people, it keeps me soooo warm and cozy.” Well you can keep thinking that until the day the Patagonia people-snatchers find you in the woods and drag you to the 100-percent-renewable-powered facility where you’ll be turned into next season’s shroom-trip-inspired fleeces.

Also, The North Face makes its stuff out of dolphins. Stay Woke.