The housing market, only going up, baby!

From the archives: 2005

Illustrator: Ruby Guthrie

If there’s one thing I know is stable, it is the housing market. You would be absolutely crazy to ever bet against it. This is why I am telling all of you right now to invest everything you have in real estate.

Just look at those prices—they just keep rising! In fact, the likelihood of you losing all of your money is about the same as the stock market collapsing a year after a housing market collapse. It is all just pure fiction and speculation, something my industry would never do. We only base our decisions off of raw data … and a whole lot of cocaine. I mean hey, it’s still 1983 somewhere.

Besides, a total collapse of the housing market is simply impossible with this deregulated climate created by President Bush, who by the way is doing a tremendous job. The only thing that can bring down his approval rating would be just completely ignoring a major natural disaster, but there’s no way that can happen.

Only idiots bet against something as stable as homes. For example, that guy at Scion Capital … Michael Burry, I want to say. This guy invested over a billion dollars in credit default swaps because he thinks that. Just bonkers—that’s like saying that the guy who hosts “The Apprentice” will be president. Sure, he is a very savvy businessman, but that man will never lead the free world. Mark my words.

The main argument I have heard against investing is that the real estate market is currently in a bubble and that the bubble will eventually burst. Well here’s a fun fact about bubbles—they only get bigger, even my five-year-old I never really talk to knows this. And again, I barely talk to the kid. If he has no information on the Dow Jones industrial average, why is he talking to me?

My job is all about buying and selling stable commodities. And last I checked, a house is a very stable thing. Many of them literally have foundations made of concrete, which is an extremely stable building material. You try to move an entire basement with your bare hands. I did it once and completely threw out my back.

And you know who agrees with me on the stability of this market? That’s right, my boy Jim Cramer. This guy knows so much about investments that CNBC gave him his own show where he uses a soundboard to tell you whether you should invest or avoid certain commodities. Fun fact: this is how it works in the financial sector. The soundboard rules all.

Now you may say to yourself “didn’t we just come out of a brief recession because of the bursting of the dot-com bubble?” That was not a bubble, that was just the market doing what it does: showing those internet nerds who is boss, which is us cool bankers and Wall Street types.

So, for those of you listening to all these so-called economists like Ben Bernanke, just forget all of their mumbo jumbo. They do not know what they are talking about. The current year of 2005 is the perfect time to invest in the housing market. Life will only get better.