Turkey Populations Out of Control

Are vegans and vegetarians to blame?

Illustrator: Nora Peterson

Illustrator: Nora Peterson

The 2016/2017 school year has been a record-breaking year for turkey populations on campus. Some claim that the rise of student vegans and vegetarians is a prime reason for this change. Well, that and the fact Pioneer Hall finally stopped hosting its former annual Thanksgiving Day hunt, otherwise known as: “Are You The Best Pioneer? Prove It. Win the Kill A Turkey Competition!” last fall.

Non-meat eaters may have played a significant role in this population explosion, now known by respected biologists to be “The Baby Boom 2.0—Bird Edition.” Here to answer a few questions regarding whether these rumors are true, is an anonymous vegetarian we’ll refer to as Turkey Jesus. Let’s begin …

The Wake: First off, can you or can you not confirm that you are part of a cult on campus to protect bird populations?

Turkey Jesus: Yes. Well, kind of. The cult is more exclusive, as in it focuses solely on the sacred turkey populations at the U. However, we do support other cults that strive to stabilize all types of wildlife communities on campus.

The Wake: I see, and I take it that the cult is elated to hear that Pioneer Hall finally ended its annual Turkey Competition, correct?

Turkey Jesus: Of course, that competition, or as we call it—The Inhumane Genocide of the Sacred Turkey, should have ended long ago. But we cannot be distracted by the afterglow of this success while the sacred turkeys of Minnesota fear for their lives every Thanksgiving Day. That is the true issue; it is an evil tradition that must end.

The Wake: I see, I see. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is the U’s cult chapter doing to address this issue of Thanksgiving?

Turkey Jesus: The only thing we do is listen. We listen to our founder, Master Gobbles. His spirit lingers above us now, frolicking in the spring air as the leaves return. He is an elder of the sacred turkeys here at the U. I can feel his presence now; he’s speaking to me.

The Wake: Oh, okay. May I ask you what he is saying currently?

Turkey Jesus: Of course. Mind you, his words cannot translate into English, as our language is inferior to that of the sacred turkey. I will recite his exact sacred turkey words, whenever you are ready for them.

The Wake: I’m ready.

Turkey Jesus: Gobble, gobble, gobble.

The Wake: Wow. That does sound profound.

Turkey Jesus: I know … now, he’s telling me to leave—to go to tell the others.

The Wake: To tell the others, tell them what?

Turkey Jesus: Gobble, gobble, gobble.

The Wake: I understand. Kind of. Go ahead, thanks for your time.

There you have it, Master Gobbles has spoken. If you pass by a turkey, remember to recite these profound words out of respect. Or at least pretend to, for the sake of all the turkey worshippers out there.