What to do While Waiting for Your Crush on AOL Instant Messenger to Come Online

These tips aren’t still relevant

Illustrator: Stevie Lacher

1.) Obsess over what you are actually going to say to them (and what font you are going to use, because of course). These little details may seem frivolous, but they could really make or break whether your crush will have interest in you. Are you going to play it cool and send a simple “hey,” go for a witty approach to make them laugh, or curate to their interests by quoting one of their favorite movies? It is imperative that you polish these details ahead of time, so you aren’t left looking like a fool when that little “Ping!” sound alerts you that they are online.

2.) Practice your sick MS paint skills to trick them into thinking you have actual talent. Bonus points if you draw the two of you together. This will be received as an endearing gesture (and not at all creepy).

3.) Sing the latest Destiny’s Child bop to your computer screen to remind yourself that you don’t need anyone else to make you happy. As soon as you finish the chorus write down the deep emotional connections that only the two of you could possibly have.

4.) Play Pinball to distract from the intense hormonal turmoil that is coursing through your tween-age body. Also, this is another great way to trick your crush into thinking you are cool and have skillz.

5.) Revise what you are going to say to your crush for the 1000th time. It has to be perfect.

6.) Argue with your siblings because you are using too much screen time on the computer. Let them know that your priorities are much more important than theirs. But tread carefully, they might bring your parents into this already dire situation.

7.) Cry.

8.) Repeat if needed.