Where Are All the UFOs?

Although Midwesterners don’t often see UFOs, that doesn’t mean they’re not there

Illustrator: Nora Peterson

Illustrator: Nora Peterson

Have you ever looked into the night sky to see unexplained lights or a hovering saucer? Me neither. If you’re from the Midwest like me, you’re not alone. For decades, aliens have boycotted middle America, favoring the coasts. But why do UFOs seem to neglect the Midwest? Here’s one theory.

The government has always understood more about aliens than they want us to believe. They know, for example, that exposure to UFO radiation causes humans to become paranoid, hypersensitive, and over dramatic. To ensure that some Americans remain calm, cool, and collected, the government has deployed shield high over the central region of the nation to block alien light and radiation. The shield strategically protects the nation’s Breadbasket preserving the integrity of both the American people and its staple crops.

Need evidence? Just observe the stark differences between the Midwest’s Minnesota-nice and the aggressive coastal hustle and bustle. Look at Donald Trump out on the East Coast, for instance. His petty obsession about his inauguration crowd sizes and impulsive claims about Obama wiretapping exemplify the radiation’s effects. For more proof, consider the real-life drama of LA’s actresses and D.C.’s political paranoia about scandal and corruption. Contrast these coastal dramas with the mellow, Midwestern attitude, and the government’s shield becomes essential to preserving the nation’s sanity.

Even without the shield, UFOs would still be hard for Midwesterners to spot because aliens consider the Midwest to be flyover country. They prefer the glow of New York City and the bright lights dotting California’s coast. So, when crossing middle America, aliens fly at higher altitudes and speeds.

On top of that, alien tribes collude with the mayors of several inland desert cities, like Phoenix, to profit from their flights. These mayors use foods “exotic,” yet irresistible to aliens, like Krispy Kremes, to bribe them into adjusting their flight plans and hovering over their towns. Human-alien collusion creates hotbeds of UFO activity and tourism that buoys the economies of several Southwest cities. But, middle America, with its self-sustaining agriculture, does not need UFO tourism. Unfortunately, this sufficiency coupled with the nation’s shield, leaves Midwesterners staring into a dark, uneventful night sky, detached from alien life and the world beyond.