[this post is part 2 of a 156-part series, "The Twilight Zone"]

The metaphysics of death:

It turns out death is a man, and he either has no name or his name is “Mr. Death,” it is not clear. He wears a suit, his hair is slicked back, and he carries a little book around with him which though it is the size of a small notepad contains pretty much all the information about everybody. He can teleport around a room all creepy so that during a conversation whenever you turn your back on him when you turn around he’s sitting somewhere else. He refers to death as “departure.” Only people who are gonna die soon can see him. He forewarns people who are going to die of natural causes, but he can’t warn people who are going to die violently or in accidents. If he touches a flower, it dies right there on the spot.

If you want to bargain with death, you totally can. It turns out there is a set of three rules written in lawyer-speak which you can capitalize on to live a little longer:

1. Hardship cases: your family or friends would suffer greatly because of your death.
2. Priority cases: you are a statesman, a scientist, or someone else on the verge of a great discovery.
3. You have unfinished business of a major nature.

Death gets flustered when you pout. Apparently he has a quota to fill because if you manage to trick him out of killing you, he just kills a little girl instead and then stands there staring at her corpse writing notes in his book like it’s no big deal. Do not fuck with him.

Death’s emotions are manipulable, and if you are very persuasive you can hold his attention so long that he misses his appointments, sitting there staring up at you, mouth squirming into different shapes, face sweating so much it makes his hair droop down into his eyes as he buys luxury clothing products in fits of orgasmic spending, tied to this miracle-salesman by the sound of his enthusiastic voice and his tales of incredible materials for ridiculous values.

The moral of the story:

Death is cooler in The Sandman, even though everything else Neil Gaiman has written reads like shitty fanfic.

P.S. OH SHIT THERE REALLY IS A HEAVEN OH SHIT OH FUCK