The Wake

This morning, as the blood poured down the shower drain and I scraped the decaying skin from my face, I stopped to recollect my experiences at last night’s Zombie Pub Crawl:

At 4:00 I began to apply my zombie makeup. The Zombie Pub Crawl web page had some simple makeup tips using random foodstuffs, the likes of which were utilized in many low-budget zombie films. Oatmeal, gelatin, corn syrup, red food coloring and eyeshadow were applied liberally to my undead face and body. Next, ash from a fire and clumps of dirt were spread over my clothes, after which I jumped in a hole in the ground as someone shoveled dirt onto me. Sticky, dirty, uncomfortable, and already looking forward to a shower, I felt I had appropriately affected the persona of a zombie. It was time to get my drink on.

The day began at Gold Medal Park, where people were getting last minute makeup done and gearing up for the crawl. After the bike ride to the park, donned in full zombie gear and getting strange stares from everyone, it was amazing to see a whole smattering of undead out for the same thing I was: BRAAAAINS!!! First stop: Grumpy’s. I got a glimpse of what a post-zombie-apocalyptic future might look like: After all the smoke had cleared and all the humans had been feasted upon, zombies would eventually evolve into the scene I was witnessing now, standing around guzzling Tall Boys and talking about shitty bands. The place was packed, as were all the bars I visited. Many bars had free live music, including The No-Nos at the Nomad and Cadillac Kolstad and the Flats at Palmers, so I didn’t feel terrible about missing Dance Band and MC/VL at the Cabooze at the end of the night. By then, I’d been stumbly drunk and seen a lot of great music already.

Not many of the bars on the itinerary actually had drink specials for zombies as promised; instead, most of them offered up a shot named after that which we were all lusting for: Brains. Yes, brains were the topic of the evening, with a good amount of groaning and shouts of “What do we want? BRAAAAINS!!! When do we want it? BRAAAAAINS!!!”. The Nomad offered up perhaps the most satisfying display of zombie carnage, when an effigy of John McCain was lowered from a zipline into the patio full of zombies, all craving the taste of human flesh. As the horde tore the body apart, Day of the Dead style, our bloodlust was satisfied more so than any shot of green stuff in a test tube ever could. For those who are curious of what McCain is truly made of, the answer became clear as he was eviscerated: Bloody babies. In a rather environmentally unsound move, the pile of bloody babies was thrown into the fire in a delightful bit of anarchic destruction. At the approximate count of about 1200 heads, it was clear that zombies ran the streets. Traffic laws were violated by slow-moving zombies, unfazed by the honks from the cars of mortals. Someone broke a window at one of the bars, several times dishes fell to the ground, and the night felt overly destructive in the best way possible. The spirit of the undead was in the air.

Though my costume was little more than the dregs of the pantry smeared on my person, I was a little disappointed by the effort of others out that night. Some people clearly didn’t want to get too dirty, doing little more than dark eye shadow or a bloody handprint on their shirt. Shame. On the other hand, there were some pretty great zombies out there. Many had things stuck in their heads, others carried severed limbs to gnaw on all night (plastic hands connected to a chicken drumstick: a very nice touch). There were plenty of zombie celebrities out, including Zombie Sarah Palin, Zombie Hunter S Thompson, and, yes, Zombie Jesus. Everywhere you went was a sight to behold; even those not zombified could appreciate the amazing people-watching factor, the “zambiance”, if you will.

This was my first time to the Zombie Pub Crawl, and it was an amazing night. It sounds like this was the biggest event yet, and it was such a joy to see so many zombie hordes taking to the streets and drinking heavily. The event felt so epic in scale, with every bar filled to capacity… WITH ZOMBIES, I TELL YOU!!!! This is truly a brilliant concept, in that being piss-drunk goes so perfectly with being dressed as a grotesque creature from beyond the grave. Stumbling, mumbling and being bent on destruction of humanity are very well-suited to vehement alcoholism, and maaaan is it fun to shout “Braaaaains!” when you’ve tied one on. Everybody should be there next year, and I mean literally everyone. The zombies shall own this town yet.

UPDATE: Photos from City Pages