The Wake

“I once fed an entire Krispy Kreme to a squirrel,” I recall a friend* from my freshman year telling me. “The little guy ran off a few feet then suddenly grabbed his left shoulder. I think he had a heart attack. It traumatized me for a few hours. Then I went to a frat party.”

Such a snack could hardly be considered a healthy food choice for people, since the NutritionData Web site says that one Glazed Cruller doughnut contains 240 calories, 14 grams of fat and—for the carb counters out there—26 grams of carbohydrates. It’s roughly the equivalent of fat on a stick without the nutritious fiber of the stick.

“I once saw a squirrel so chunky that his fat rolls—not his fur, his fat rolls—were rippling in the wind,” one student says of her personal experience with the porky critters. “I’ll be honest. It kind of boosted my self-esteem.”

Granted, the squirrels on campus aren’t the fierce and dangerous ones you hear about in the wild. In fact, a quick investigation into campus crime reports suggests that squirrel attacks are down this year—possibly because incoming freshmen (the most common group attacked by rabid squirrels) are in better physical condition or because squirrels have begun tripping on their own fat while chasing after campus residents.

A recent healthy squirrel-feeding movement has been started by select students on campus. Although this movement doesn’t yet have a name, they’re beginning to be fondly referred to as Champions for Furry Friends. This group is especially concerned about the survival of the albino squirrel. One CFF activist fights the Krispy-Kreme-giver-outers with Post® Grape-Nuts®.

“They’re a little stale,” she says, “but I figure that they’re squirrels and they probably don’t care. Not that I don’t. I care big time!”

*The names of students have been withheld for their own protection against groups such as PETA, MSA, the FBI, Mentally Unstable Individuals, and the students’ mothers.