The Wake

Unless Daddy picks up the credit card tab without asking any questions, college students are under constant pressure to make ends meet. After all, you can’t party if you can’t afford the booze. And damn it, you can’t pay for the booze if your landlord kicked you out of your run-down old apartment after you neglected to pay the rent for the last three months. Let’s face it: most of us are unmotivated, lazy, apathetic citizens who would like little more than a few extra dollars to blow on organic Hippie Crunch cereal rather than a big bag of Toasty-O’s. We demand double-ply quilted Charmin’ rather than Target brand. We’d prefer Grey Goose to Karkov. We demand VANS because, damn it all, Payless Shoe Source just isn’t good enough anymore. We demand cushy jobs so that we don’t have to work so hard for the money!

“Cushy” has different meanings for different people. Personally, I think that hard work that pays really well is “cushy.” Thus, I advocate for servers and bartenders. I waitress at a small family-owned-and-operated restaurant off-campus and I usually make about $25 per hour. Yes, I have to work hard. Sometimes I cry because rude customers hurt my feelings and make me feel inadequate. The statement immediately preceding this is entirely untrue. However, the main point is that I work about a third of the amount of time as some of my peers to earn the same amount.

I hear that Perkins servers make bank. If you’re willing to compromise your dignity as a human being, there is a location on West Bank, right where 94 meets Riverside. If you’re not willing to compromise your dignity, there are plenty of restaurants in Dinkytown, Uptown and Downtown. You’ll probably have to start at the bottom of the service pyramid as a busboy, host or dishwasher. But, if you can stick it out and move up the ladder, a serving or bartending job will pay off eventually.

As it turns out, there are several ways to get rich not-as-quickly that don’t involve whoring yourself to the whims of casual diners or drunken revelers. The best part is, they’re right on campus. Inspired by one of the laziest people I have ever met, I feel compelled to share the knowledge of what could be, quite possibly, the cushiest category of job around. (The only reason I’m even allowed to share the secret is because my lazy friend will be graduating in December. Next semester, he won’t have to worry about defending his long-standing position in C3 - the infamously overpriced convenience store of choice in several of the U’s residence halls - against incoming no0bs.)

If you like sitting for lengthy periods of time and doing homework, perusing YouTube for entertaining bits of hilarity with which to amuse your friends and elevate your social status, or making playlists from your dozens of gigabytes of stolen MP3 files, you should look into working for RHA. Positions as C3 clerks, front desk receptionists, or night security watch guards involve relatively little work for fairly good pay (roughly $8-$10/hour). While you’ll occasionally be interrupted from your euphoric paid hours of solitude by pesky “customers” or “residents” or “freshman drunkards returning from frat row” with their pesky “purchases” or “questions” or “inability to conceal their illegal consumption of alcohol,” the job is pretty easy.

A few more suggestions for the overly motivated:

1. Pick up weekend side jobs working at sporting events, selling wares or serving game goers. I’ve had friends who have made loads of money (sometimes up to $30/hour) serving in certain sections during Twins games.
2. Give your info to local research firms. I have participated in several focus groups (1-3 hours each) and been paid $15-30/hour cash to sit in a room answering questions or brainstorming about new or upcoming products. Google “Minneapolis focus groups” and sift through the options. While there is absolutely no guarantee of getting called to participate in these, it’s worth a try for a little bit of cash on the side every now and then.
3. Sell your plasma. There’s a location on Washington near Stadium village. There, I said it. This article is now officially geared to starving college kids.
4. In cases of extreme desperation: panhandle on the corner in a hobo suit. Enough said.

The Big Question: What’s the best job on campus? The Big Answer: None. Who needs to work when they give out free money at the bank all the time? You are, after all, a student. Take out one of them student-loan thingers and live it up. Getting into a load of debt is clearly a wonderful idea. OR, you could just work for the Wake. We get paid a whole lot. *wink wink*