The Wake

When I heard that Coffman would be hosting a workshop, “Defense Against Dogma” on February 1, I had a good idea of what I was getting myself into. From what I’d heard, I knew that the workshop would teach intelligent arguments to use against Bible-hugging, dogmatic friends when they try to pick a fight. I assumed that the event was being put on by a public speaker, maybe a professor, or you know, someone distinguished. Boy, was I in for a surprise.

When I walked into the room on the third floor of Coffman, the first thing I saw was a guy wearing a shirt that read, “Jesus is coming. Look busy.” I thought it was funny, until I saw the whiteboard at the front of the room. It read “Campus Atheists and Secular Humanists.” Oops. I had inadvertently stumbled into an atheist club meeting. Which was fine and all—except I’m Catholic.

Now I pride myself in being an open-minded, accepting person. I have friends of all different faiths and beliefs. That night, however, I was a lone Catholic girl in a room full of very committed atheists. I felt like a spy sitting in on a meeting for the other side. While part of me was wondering how many candles I would have to light in church next Sunday to repent for this, the other half was determined to get a story. Never mind what Grandma would say if she found out I spent my time listening to atheists discussing how wrong my beliefs were; I was a journalist. This was for the greater good, right?

The workshop was set up like a debate, with three members of the club, Aaron Halfaker, Jim Lester, and Jen Zick, posing as theists and arguing religious points of view (using just a bit of sarcasm). They called themselves “The God Panel.” The rest of the crowd debated them using traditional atheist arguments.

As it turns out, those atheists really know their way around the Bible. The animated crowd opened by pointing out that the Bible condoned slavery, and therefore why should it be taken as a relevant, true document? Lester, on the God Panel, asked a member of the crowd to point out a passage that condones slavery. And sure as shit, in less than five minutes, sophomore Burke Bourne found one.

When the God Panel went on to say that the Bible had correctly predicted many historical events with great accuracy, therefore proving the existence of an omniscient being controlling the Earth, Bourne responded, “Does it really take an omniscient being to predict that the Jews are going to take it in the pants?”

At that point I decided the atheist crowd wasn’t such a bad group. At least they had a sense of humor.

Then, the God panel brought up evolution. The crowd started to ask them why humans have appendixes and why men have nipples if evolution did not really occur. Halfaker, of the God Panel, argued that since humans were clearly made in God’s image, “God obviously has nipples. I mean, I have nipples,” he says.

A random girl from the crowd shouted, “Prove it!” Now these were my kind of people.

Soon, the debate turned to the pros and cons of heaven and hell. Bourne asked the God panel, “Is it true that in heaven, there is no beer?” Another sophomore, Ben Stearney, added, “In hell, I think they have cold coffee.”

After an hour and a half, the God Panel decided they couldn’t possibly pretend to be atheists any longer. The meeting convened, and the group started to vote on where they wanted to go for dinner. Would it be Applebee’s or Campus Pizza?

Now I know I’m Catholic and all, but forget what Grandma says. Hell, the atheist club really is “The Best Damned Group on Campus.”