The Wake

Last week I went grocery shopping with my father and stepmother. This isn’t something I generally like to do, but if I don’t go with them I know I’ll have to spend endless time searching the cupboards and refrigerator for food that I might actually want to eat. The reason for my literal fruitless searches is that my parents have adopted the Atkins plan.

For those unfamiliar, Dr. Atkins passed away shortly after writing one of the best-selling diet books ever. Indeed, Atkins’ New Diet Revolution has been revolutionizing America in every way possible. I’m not sure if people are any skinnier, but television commercials and restaurant menus are much more annoying.

The idea behind the Atkins diet is to first cut all carbohydrates out of the diet, and then carefully reintroduce them. Carbohydrates are found in everything healthy, including bread, vegetables and fruits. High concentrations of carbs are easy to spot: beer, potatoes, pasta. Most Atkins dieters know to avoid these things. But what about foods that aren’t so obvious? How many carbs are in low-carb beer? In a can of tomatoes? A head of lettuce? These are precisely the questions that make shopping a pain in the ass, especially when shopping with Atkins-dieting parents.

This was my first time going grocery shopping since the Atkins craze took over the consciousness of America. Signs hang everywhere announcing “Low carb!” “No carb!” “Great for Atkins dieters!” In the meat aisle, a sign hung every two feet demanding that customers “Cut the Carbs with Cub!” Not only do these signs presume I’m already fat, but they make me feel that if I eat a potato chip, the Atkins guards will rush out from behind the employee doors, confiscate and destroy my tube of Pringles, torture my family and force-feed me lots and lots of beef.

That may sound slightly exaggerated, but I assure you that the Atkins diet is becoming something much more than a fad. Frankly, I’m starting to wonder if New Diet Revolution was meant in political terms. Remember in history class when the teacher told you about all those peasants throwing loaves of bread in protest? I think history is about to repeat itself.

I really have nothing against Dr. Atkins or Atkins dieters. I think the media has taken advantage of an otherwise thoughtful and innovative diet plan. On my way to Cub, I heard a commercial letting people know that a certain brand of gum is low in carbohydrates. As we all know, the only thing standing between a fat person and a thin person is a decadent stick of chewing gum.

My father was most likely going to be spending a good hour deciding which meats to get that will best assist his diet, so I decided to grab a few things I wanted, only to find out that it is now impossible to get through shopping aisles. Three carts were blocking my path to the Mountain Dew. Next to the carts, three women closely read the labels on cans. I have to wonder, is it really so important to figure out how many carbs are in a can of lima beans if the can has two-and-a-half servings?

I really shouldn’t be too judgmental. My father lost over 15 pounds within just two short weeks, something that I don’t think could have happened without the diet. Besides, any excuse to eat an excess of meat is fine by him.

At the checkout line in Cub, I began to realize how different I seemed for not having changed anything at all. I bagged up pounds and pounds of meat, some fruits and vegetables and a few canned goods. The customer next to us was bagging up her groceries. Again, pounds and pounds of meat, and a few fruits and vegetables. I, however, looked like a freak with my two huge bags of dried cereal, twelve-packs of soda and a loaf of bread.

Yes, I am a rebel; I can admit that. It’s hard to face against the unwieldy pressures of cultural changes. I have become a minority by doing nothing at all, but eating as I always have. Bob Dylan said it best: “Times, they are a-changin’.” He had no idea just how much they would. Friends and neighbors beware! The changing tide! The revolt! The New Diet Revolution!