The Wake

“You should get tested,” my girlfriend said.

“I know,” I reluctantly answered.

Actually, I answered reluctantly for a few months. I knew I should be tested for STDs but something about it scared me. Mainly, the thought of somebody sticking a Q-tip inside the urethra of my penis.

I read articles about the procedure. I read first hand accounts of guys who were tested for STDs and it sounded excruciating.

Traditionally, the testing procedure involved a nurse inserting a Q-tip inside the penis and swirling it around several times until a specimen could be extracted. With that specimen, doctors could decipher whether you’ve contracted an STD.

Well, since I’m not much of a sadomasochist, I procrastinated.

Every few days my girlfriend asked me to get tested and I’d give some pathetic excuse why I couldn’t do it that week. Being busy always seemed like a decent excuse. It sounded important anyway.

I didn’t have any noticeable problems with my sexual prowess, so I rationalized with myself that I could wait a little longer to have somebody shove something inside my urethra. But not knowing for sure what was going on down there pretty much made this rationalization null and void.

So after a few months of fearing the Q-tip, I went to the Red Door Clinic, a walk-in clinic at 525 Portland Ave. S. in Minneapolis. It’s Minnesota’s largest STD testing site. They test people for gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis and vaginal infections. Genital warts and herpes can also be diagnosed if symptoms are present.

The drive there was short but nauseating. I kept thinking: this is it, this is going to be the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life.

I sat in the doctor’s office with my knees shaking. The doctor asked me a variety of questions pertaining to my libido. Blotchy red spots appeared on my neck, not because I was telling a middle-aged woman how often I have sex, but because I knew what was coming after the questions.

She began telling me what the test involved. First, she’d examine my genitals, then she’d take a blood sample and finally I’d give a urine sample. I was sure “examine” meant using the Q-tip.

As she explained the procedure more thoroughly, I spoke up very coyly. “So, do you have to use a Q-tip?” I asked.

“No, we don’t have to do it that way anymore,” she said.

“Thank God!” I said, nearly giving her a high-five, I was so happy.

Hearing those words made dropping my pants in front of a middle-aged woman easier than I’d ever thought possible. I was happy to do it.

At the Red Door Clinic, it’s no longer necessary for the penis to be swabbed when tested as long as the patient doesn’t show any symptoms of STDs. Blood and urine samples are now just as efficient. So the opportune time to be tested is when you’re feeling healthy. Otherwise, you might be put in a compromising position between yourself, a nurse and a cotton swab.

And since I was tested, I can be positive that I’m not passing anything to my girlfriend.