The Wake

Look around campus. D’ya see that? No, not that, you pervert - the cell phones! They’re everywhere. It’s as if God himself descended upon the East Bank one day and placed a blessed wireless in every student’s hand. “There shall be Verizon!” he commanded. “And there shall be free evening and weekend long-distance minutes,” he continued. The students rejoiced and it was good. Good, at least, for those lucky few. The rest of us must have been in class or at a Coffman late-night celebration or something.

This isn’t a Seinfeldian observation story. I understand cell phones and their place in our world. They’re as ubiquitous on campus as Nalgene water bottles or U of M lanyards. But, really, I just wanted to hear what people were talking about on their phones, so I took to the Campus Connector and kept my ears open. No place is better for overhearing conversations than the Connector - it’s a lot easier and less creepy than following people, that’s for sure.

First, you’ve got the mundane chatter. There’s the usual “Sup? Whatcha doin’?”; the obligatory “Yeah, just going to class”; and the ever-pervasive, “Where are you?”, implying that the conversation is actually between two cell phone users. Yeah, it’s a crazy world we live in.

Not all chats were mundane, though. Take this one for example: After a few routine back-and-forths with the caller, one guy decided to lay it on the line.

“Listen,” he said, voice exploding with sincerity, “I don’t want to feel awkward when I call you.” After some silence, he added, “It was completely mutual, you know.” Remember, this heartfelt exchange is taking place on a semi-crowded public bus traveling the lonely transitway between the two campuses.

Later, the male caller explained that he didn’t even remember leaving his apartment that Friday night, thanks to a bottle of tequila. I guess Jose Cuervo was playing Cupid again. That devil.

Another student told me about a funny conversation he overheard on the bus. A guy was apologizing to his mother for being rude to her earlier. As it turns out Mom had called him before to ask about his wedding-proposal plans. Too bad his unsuspecting fiancé was sitting right next to him! What’s a guy to do? Hang up? Talk about mayhem! Romeo had to call Mom later and straighten things out on the bus - some matters are just too important to wait.

Cell phones aren’t just for talking, though. Walking around campus, it’s common to see people staring into their phones, occasionally pressing buttons, sometimes smiling to themselves. If you’re trying to eavesdrop on a conversation with these people, don’t bother - no matter how long you follow them, they will never raise the phone to their ear. They’re probably just holding a store-model phone, pretending they’re high rollers.

You’ve gotta feel kind of sorry for cell-phone users, though - they’ve become the butt of so many awesome jokes. It seems that people get annoyed with listening to one-sided conversations in public places and blame the talker. In actuality, though, these phones are really bringing us closer together as a society. Think back ten years: strangers sat on the bus in awkward silence, remaining unfamiliar with the other passengers. Now, cell phones have opened a window into everyone’s lives: we can hear about a guy’s upcoming trip to Hawaii, a woman’s problem with her kitten (”It’s puking everywhere, I swear to God!”) or intimate secrets between love-struck couples (”You drank how much that night?”). Finally we’re a family again.

Do yourself a favor: Next time you’re on the bus or a crowded sidewalk, keep your ear to your neighbor’s shoulder. If nothing else, it’s a cheap hobby. And if some stranger decides to slap you with a restraining order, just plead insanity!