The Wake

Minneapolis MN—More than a hundred Christian missionaries from across the nation have migrated to the University of Minnesota for the annual “Preaching to the Pagans” conversion convention. This two-day event spotlights the yearly exodus of students from the university for the summer and the need for swift action to save their lost souls from living another 3 months away from the divine spirit of God.

Reverend Jeremiah Wakefield, Texan evangelist and director of “Preaching to the Pagans” explains the importance of reaching out to impressionable young students.

“The youth’s minds are being filled up with the liberal garbage about tolerance of other religions, peace, equality, and free love. What they really need to be taught is the good word of Jesus Christ, and God willing, we’ll covert every one of these hippies into upstanding Christian patriots.”

The goal of this years’ convention is to explore new and innovative ways to convert non-believers. Many of the speakers stressed the importance of implementing new techniques such as interpretive dance, puppetry and interacting on a personal level with students.

Although, it may seem like fun and games, many campus missionaries have had harrowing experiences while advocating the good word. One such occasion was during an event called “Take a Shot Against Sin” held at the Kappa Omericon Gamma Epsilon Fraternity last May. “The participants were told that there were free kegs and shots for all those who were willing to listen to a ten minute presentation about living life without sin,” said Samuel Monroe an aspiring minister, “At first we were thrilled to see how many students showed up to hear about the gospel, but the crowd soon became unruly when we explained that we had purchased root beer kegs and purely Jell-O shots instead of alcoholic beverages. Several people mooned us, and the bushes around the back were subjected to unnecessary watering. When a mob of students rushed the church van, knocking it back and forth was the first time I feared for my safety; it was pure chaos.”

Aside from periodic setbacks, most participants of “Preaching to the Pagans” describe it as an overwhelming success; we’ve almost had a convert the past four years in a row. Annie Mueller, three-year veteran says this about her experience at the convention “Its amazing to see such dedicated Christians making changes at such a sin-ridden University. If I can bring just one person into the light of the Lord, my life will be complete. Plus, that would totally secure my ticket to heaven.”