The Wake

The highly anticipated unveiling of TCF Bank Stadium is set to occur this coming fall in time for the 3009 academic and athletic season.

“Sure we’ve had a few setbacks, but the important thing is we’re now on track to reach our goal,” recently unfrozen past University President Bob Bruininks says. His cryogenically preserved body has been in storage since 2018 when he vowed that an on-campus stadium would be achieved within his lifetime.

The ostentatious coliseum is reported to be well-worth its staggering $248 billion price tag. Stadium features include: an invisible quasi-dome giving the impression of an open-air environment (the atmospheric carbon monoxide will be filtered by Hyperosmosis™), trampoline-grass turf, 50,000 swivel-chair seating capacity, TCF Bank’s elaborate subterranean vault system and $1 hot dogs. In addition, the stadium will be home to the University of Minnesota’s Stadium Rock Band and a memorial to honor World War XI veterans.

“This is a very exciting time for us,” Gorax 32, TCF Bank regional manager, at a recent press conference. The stadium looks to benefit both the University and TCF Bank by strengthening their already ironclad bond.

True the campus has been abuzz over the expectation of the stadium’s grand opening, but there has also been community backlash toward the canal construction that has occurred due to stadium construction.

“Ever since the ice caps melted nearly a millennium ago, Minnesotans have demanded a sophisticated and decongested canal system,” Tiberius Ellison, campus historian, says. The construction has caused major traffic problems in the vicinity of the stadium.

Countless University clubs and teams are preparing for the upcoming opening. Due to the nationwide ban on football and baseball as a result many player’s diabolical role in World War VII, the men’s field hockey (the newly proclaimed national pastime) team is fervently practicing for their inaugural match against the Wisconsin Territory Spacebadgers.

“We just need to step up,” says Vantar 6, team baron. “I just hope the Gophers will triumph in their new home.” The Gophers have been thwarted the past three decades against Wisconsin Territory.

Omnicratic Governor Terod Xandro, a Minnesota Proper alumnus, is also prepping for the event. He, along with Republic of Iowa Representative Kamaran 47 have reserved one of the stadium’s 39 oxygen-enriched luxury viewing pods.

“I greatly look forward to the possibilities of peace that this meeting could yield. I see no better backdrop to ending the War against the ROI than a friendly game of field hockey,” Xandro says. Kamaran 47 was unavailable for comment.

The opening day festivities will begin September 1 and extend through the 5; game day. Amusements will include a parade in honor of the one and only almighty Lord Xenu, a telepathic karaoke competition, a speech from the ghost of former President Hubert Humphrey and a performance by the preserved head of Ari Herstand.

The 10-month extended forecast predicts acid rain, which may or may not lead to a postponement of opening day events, experts say.