The Wake

Fall is here and school is probably the last thing on your mind. Memories of semesters past are distant and few; probably forgotten during that night you blacked out at Sugar Daddy’s night club in central Minnesota. Regardless, many of you may have forgotten the university’s deep-rooted secrets; the hidden nooks and crannies that make this often alien landscape more inviting. Fret no more, kids — school’s in session.

The secret behind every good student is a good bathroom in which to “deposit his or her knowledge.” The key to campus bathrooms is privacy. With 50,000 people on campus, it can be kind of difficult to “blast a steam donkey” in peace. If it’s seclusion you seek, check out the fourth floor restrooms immediately inside the Children’s Rehabilitation Building. A locked door and one throne guarantee privacy for that student in need. If you’re willing to sacrifice solitude for compelling views from the john, check out the third floor men’s room in Northrop Auditorium. From atop the throne in this public restroom, the lucky student can gaze upon David M. Lilly Plaza and the East Bank via a window in the stall! Taking care of business has never been so picturesque!

Climbing to the third floor too challenging? Check out Morrill Hall’s ground floor bathroom: its excessive waste of floor space is probably intended to either scream “prosperity” to potential students or promote our power and wealth to some of President Bruininks’ terrorist buddies from foreign universities.

Those fat cats in Morrill Hall have a monopoly on the basic amenities: the restrooms, drinking fountains and elevators in Morrill are second-to-none. Is it a coincidence that the best water fountain on campus is steps from Bruininks’ office? What about the fast, incredibly responsive elevator just outside his door? The more time I spend in Morrill Hall, the more convinced I become of Bruininks’ secret identity as a vodka-fueled superhero, sneaking in and out of his office via secret passages within the Gopher Way.

Though corruption and alcoholic officials may dominate the East Bank, the St. Paul campus remains full of untapped secrets, probably because nobody ever goes there. Let’s face it, the farm campus is perpetually at risk of being converted into one big State Fair parking lot. Hidden gems dot the St. Paul landscape, though, like the tiny, caged elevator inside Hayes Hall or the graffiti tag behind Borlaug Hall depicting Bruininks holding a wad of cash.

Thirsty students had better bring their own water supply to the bastard campus, though — the entire area has some sort of curse on its water supply, spraying pungent, rusty liquid from its fountains and sinks. Prepared students will stock up their Goldy Gopher-endorsed Nalgene bottles at some of the finest campus fountains: Eddy Hall’s basement, Blegen Hall bubblers or the fountain in the obscure Printing Services Building at Como & 29th Aves. SE. These taps spray strong streams of ice-cold liquid refreshment in near pornographic fashion.

At the end of the day, why not relax with a nice view of the Minneapolis skyline and the setting sun? Try the second floor terrace at the Frederick R. Weisman Art Museum, which overlooks the river and West Bank. Though its seclusion may scream “off-limits,” this patio is simply poorly monitored, allowing you to do pretty much anything you want up there. Want to see the city breathe? Go for it! Just don’t get too close to the edge!

If you’re more into top-shelf bourbon and elitist conversation, the Campus Club on Coffman Union’s fourth floor provides a scenic overlook of Northrop Mall and the East Bank. Just watch Bruininks when he’s around your drink - he’s notorious for dirty deeds.

Don’t let school get you down — there’s a big campus and hinterland out there to explore and drink in! Face it, homework is going to get done sometime. Let’s have fun now! Get out your shovels, kids, let’s dig up the extraterrestrial bodies buried behind the Super Block! No, seriously.