The Wake

Aug. 31st: Freshmen move into dorms. On his first night here, freshman male loses virginity thanks to case of Milwaukee’s Best. Follows Sean Paul’s advice: “Let’s get it on til the early mo’n’.”

Sept. 5th: T. Denny Sanford announces $1 million gift to build a new stadium. Later sends text message to Bruininks saying, “Psych!”

Sept. 9th: University Regents condemn Goldy Gopher for endorsing Zipp’s Liquor Store. Criticism puts Goldy’s contract with Totally High Creations in jeopardy. Production of patented “Goldy’s Golden Bong” put on hold.

Sept. 12th: While returning books at the University Bookstore, freshman male bumps into woman he lost virginity to 13 days prior. Their hands accidentally touch, reminding him of his fresh case of Gopher Warts.

Oct. 21st: Clerical workers go on strike. While watching from the fourth floor of Coffman Union in the Campus Club, Bruininks’ sole concern is the ice rapidly melting in his double of Belvedere Vodka on the rocks.

Oct. 22nd: Inspections of University-area housing begin. Federal Bureau of Intoxication performs both inspections. Declares all houses party-licious and keg-tastic.

Oct. 24th: Maranatha Christian Fellowship sues the University over First Amendment rights. University settles out of court by paying God undetermined lump sum.

Oct. 31st: MSA proposes its own self-destruction. Nobody cares.

Nov. 1st: Homecoming Week. In front of cheering audience, Homecoming King thanks Jesus for always being there for him. In audience, Jesus blushes while hiding his face behind his hair.

Throughout December: Potential Gopher football players brought to Deja Vu and served alcohol while underage. In response to budget cuts, University athletics will now bring incoming freshman to Rick’s Cabaret for $6.00 buffet from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Dec. 15th: Finals Week: Frequency of masturbation rises sharply. ‘U’ student complains girlfriend gets bitchy ‘real quick.’ Philosophy major goes to Hard Times, drinks motor-oil coffee, eats the Shaman’s Special, hops a train to Missoula, Montana; regrets the coffee.

Dec. 24th: Santa Claus goes on strike citing rising health care costs and that he “can’t take this shit anymore.” Hooks up with Goldy at Hard Times, gets messed up on ‘shrooms.

Winter Break: Freshman male’s father accidentally walks in on him while taking a shower. Freshman has awkward two-hour-long conversation with parents about Gopher Warts.

Feb. 9th: Plans made to turn Dubs into an Irish pub. Local asshole claims, “‘Dubs is ‘spuds’ backwards.”

Feb. 13th: Minnesota Daily changes newspaper format. Dinkytown drifters clamber for new style of pants. Wrap your mind around that one.

Feb. 13th: Police arrest man for indecent exposure in Wilson Library. Librarians cut loose by undoing hair, taking off glasses and openly questioning Dewey Decimal System.

Feb. 26th: Student Fees Committee announces funding proposals. The Wake bitches and moans.

March 4th: Bus strike begins. Edina woman says, “I don’t give a shit.” Governor Pawlenty adds, “Lazy masses should bike harder.”

March 11th: Announcement made that Minnesota Daily reporter was caught fabricating an interview. Reporter’s girlfriend wonders whether reporter’s coital moans were ever real.

March 22nd: Bruininks says tuition increases necessary to balance budget. Budget responds, “That’s not what he said when we were lying in bed last night.”

March 31st: Missing student found in Wisconsin after faking her own abduction in order to gain attention from her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend says, “She only faked a stabbing for me.”

April 4th: Women’s Gopher Basketball team goes to Final Four. Referring to Whalen, Bruininks says, “I would.”

April 12th: University students commemorate last year’s riots with candle-light vigil.

April 14th: University freshman receives his first lap dance. Finds out strippers smell like crotch.

April 20th: Bruininks seen under 10th Avenue Bridge listening to Bob Dylan.

April 24th: Spring Jam. Everybody determines lip-synching contest sucks without beer.

Finals Week Prediction: Freshman gets so excited after passing classes that he drinks more Milwaukee’s Best and contracts second case of Gopher Warts.