The Wake

Brit Snodgrass rapped his maroon and gold robe tighter around his body against the evening spring chill that had settled on the East River Flats. “This may have been the very same robe that He wore when He accepted His almighty position,” Snodgrass said, the firelight from the torches that dotted the valley reflecting in his thick, black-rimmed glasses.

Snodgrass, of course was referring to the Almighty Robert H. Bruinincks, President of the University of Minnesota. (Editors note: Snodgrass agreed to the interview only if we promised to capitolize all references to the President). In the torch-lit field behind Coffman, members of the “Friends Loving an Unadulterated Bobby Bruinincks” student group (FLUBB) gathered to “worship this man who may not be a man at all,” said one group member, “but a bureaucratic being,” he adds with awe.

The leader of the student group, Snodgrass, was chosen under very interesting circumstances. “So yeah, I was able to figure out that Lord Bobby was born on a Tuesday evening, which is seven letters long,” said Snodgrass, a second-year Mathematics major. “And my middle name is William. Not only am I graced to have the same name as Him, but it has the same number of letters as the day of His birth.” Immediately many of the followers of the group began twirling around in circles chanting “Bobby” 7 times until Snodgrass lost his glasses and spent at least 5 minutes trying to find them in the dark, dew-covered grass.

Not all at the university are grateful for FLUBB’s presence. Stevie Prude, co-chair of Students for Pessimistic Values, another student group at the university, is not at all happy with FLUBBs’ participation on campus.

“They’re fucking nuts!” Prude says, from his group’s cramped office cubicle on the second floor of Coffman that is also shared with eight other groups. “They have the whole fucking third floor,” Prude adds, “And they turned in their fees request on a cocktail napkin!”

“It was a napkin from His office, the office of the President,” Snodgrass said when he had been questioned about the unique way that the group had submitted their fees request. “We pulled it from His trash the week before. It had this interesting coffee stain on it that bore a resemblance to our great Leader,” he adds.

Currently, FLUBB receives $847,289.00 dollars in student fees funding. This is in comparison to $30.00 for the Minnesota Daily, $24.99 dollars for the Queer Student Cultural Center, and $0.02 cents for Students for Pessimistic Values.

“Our Leader has graciously supported us, bearing great gifts,” Snodgrass says, “We want of nothing.”

When asked about the huge discrepancy between the amount of funding FLUBB recieves and the amount the Minnesota Daily receives, Harry Peacock, head of this year’s fees committee just shook his head. “I have no idea, “ he says disgustedly. “In fact, get away from me.”

In the meantime, FLUBB continues to grow and prosper. On the banks of the Mississippi river, the light from the torches reflected dully off a huge finger painting of the President. “I like to think of us not as students,” Snodgrass says, stopping spinning for a moment to catch his breath, and find his glasses again, “But as people who once were lost, and now … aren’t as lost.”