The Wake

The Wienery
I’ve come to quite appreciate the irony of actually having to use a greasy spoon at this West Bank staple. Really, Al’s Breakfast has nothing on the hole-in-the-wall that is the Wienery, both in terms of grime and quality. While the specialty is obviously the Chicago-style hot dogs, breakfast food is where the Wienery shines—and it’s dirt-cheap, too.

Mitch
Stop by Palmer’s and order a “Kool-Aid drink” from Mitch (the bartender with a cancer tattoo on his neck). Get lucky and he may upgrade you to a pint glass free of charge. And while you may fancy yourself quite the boozer, this drink will still probably leave you naked on the St. Paul campus.

The Hideously Deformed Hobo Who Occasionally Wears a Paper Bag on His Head
I wish I were joking. While normally bagless to collect sympathy and the subsequent change, if you’re lucky, you’ll witness one of the most surreal sights on the West Bank. (And that’s saying something.)

The Bagel Truck That Gangsters Hate
Who says taggers don’t have a sense of humor? Their most frequent target is an Einstein Brothers bagel truck that has, over the course of the past year, been slowly destroyed beyond recognition with elaborate balloon letters and rocks through the windows. In fact, just a few nights ago, I caught a glimpse of someone whom I can only assume is frequent tagger “Ensue” letting the air out of the tires with a maniacal grin.

Terrifyingly Ethnic Cafes
Stereotypes be damned; the only thing more confusing than how to order and pay for your food is figuring out what exactly it consists of. Perhaps the only area in which the West Bank is as dangerous as it’s made out to be.

Broken English Signs
The area’s large population of recent Somali immigrants has resulted in quite a few unintentionally hilarious signs. A personal favorite is “Please not stand here. NO HANG AROUND.”

The Viking Bar
R.I.P. With rumors of a buyout after years of neglect, hopefully the best bar on the West Bank will be reopening soon.

Carlson School of Management
Ok, not really. But stop by on weekends dressed like a corporate asshole and score free food courtesy of D’Amico and Sons.