“Could you please collect these files for an FQA audit?” asks my supervisor.

“No problem,” I say, sipping my coffee and staring blankly at my computer screen. “I’ll get them to you by three.” I collect the files and go through the compliance checklist, making sure all the necessary documents are in the file and were printed within the appropriate time-frame. It’s a fine art. It really is.

But the whole time I’m thinking about basketball. Not the NBA playoffs or the potential of next year’s Gopher teams. I’m thinking about pick-up basketball.

I drink another cup of coffee and check out the view from my cubicle on the seventh floor. Just four blocks south is a playground with basketball hoops. I see people who look like little ants moving back and forth on the pavement and a tear wells in my eye. How I envy the pick-up basketball player.

I may be trapped in a florescent-lit, business casual-wearing, soul-sucking mortgage-torium, unable to participate in the precious pastime of pick-up basketball. But I can help those who have yet to experience such an activity and, perhaps, even teach a few new things to the grizzled pick-up junkie.

Please allow me to present for you The Wake’s Guide To Pick-up Basketball.

The first thing to do is find a playground with a basketball court, preferably with people already there. If you find an empty one, you’ll have a tough time trying to put a game together. Trust me: I know from experience. Once you’ve found a court and people to play with, you’re halfway there.

When picking teams, try to get on the team with the big guy. There’s always a big guy. I’m not talking about the super-tall guy necessarily, but the big, mean, ugly guy who looks like he chews on rocks. He usually doesn’t look like he’d be the best player on the court, but he’s a valuable resource in pick-up basketball for several reasons, which will be highlighted throughout the guide.

The next step is to make sure your shoes are tied and your zipper (if applicable) is all the way up. You don’t want to fall for the old “your shoe’s untied,” or “your zipper’s down” tricks. If you hear those lines now, you’ll know they’re lying and you won’t have to check.

Now pick-up basketball can be a rough game. This is where the big, ugly mofo comes into play. His size and straight thugishness will give your team an advantage down low. While players can call their own fouls, everyone will be reluctant to call out the big guy.

Along these same lines, feel free to call as many fouls as you deem necessary. Again, your big guy will provide you with the protection you need.

The last thing to remember is that the backboards and rims on playground hoops can be quite terrible. When the ball bounces off either part of the hoop, it’s more like a pinball machine than a backboard or rim. You have no idea where the ball is going to bounce. Keep that in mind before you start thinking you’re the only one on your team that can shoot.

I hope you learned something from this little guide but, more importantly, I hope you all learned a little something about life along the way.

You may see them from the Washington Avenue bridge as you walk to class in the morning. You may see them from the river flats as you play Frisbee. You may see them as you sit next to the river smoking a joint. They are the crew team. And you have to admit, they look pretty cool when they row by.

Senior rower Cheryl Wick, who was recently named to the All-Central Region first team, talks about her rise in crew, the upcoming season, and lots more.

The Wake: First of all, congratulations on being named to the all-region team.

Cheryl Wick: Thanks!

The Wake: Was that kind of a surprise for you?

Wick: Yea, I really wasn’t expecting it. The two weeks before that were Big Tens, and Beth Ratterman from our team was Big Ten second team. Vilma Stragyte was Big Ten first team. So when (coach) Wendy (Davis) told me I’d made first team all-region, I was kind of surprised.

The Wake: What sports did you play in high school?

Wick: All four years I did soccer, basketball, and I also threw in track, and actually did that for five years. I started when I was an eighth-grader.

The Wake: When did you realize, ”I’m pretty good at this crew thing”?

Wick: The first I was in a boat was the summer after my senior year of high school. A friend of mine in Rochester was rowing that summer and said that if I wasn’t doing anything that I should try it out. And I really liked it. Then I went to St. Thomas my freshman year and joined the club team. I planned on throwing, actually, at St. Thomas with their track team, but then I got involved with crew right away that fall and loved it. At the end of the spring season one of my coaches said, “You know, Cheryl, if you really like this rowing thing, you should maybe talk to Wendy at the University of Minnesota and see if she has a place for you.” So that’s kind of when I realized I should see where this takes me.

The Wake: Did the Gophers approach you?

Wick: One of my coaches from St. Thomas talked to Wendy first, and because of how the NCAA works, Wendy couldn’t contact me at that time. So James Dunden, who was the coach at St. Thomas, said “I told Wendy about you, but if you want to do this, you have to take the step to go over to the U.” I think he told me about this the last week of April and the transfer application to the U was May 1, so I had about four days to make the decision to leave St. Thomas and transfer to the U.

The Wake: Wow

Wick: It was pretty crazy, ‘cause I had all my plans for the next year. I was going to study abroad and all that stuff. It was a last-minute choice that turned out to be right.

The Wake: Some late-night calls to the parents, probably?

Wick: Yep yep, and they were actually really supportive. They said, ”Do what you want to do.”

The Wake: I noticed that you went to Seattle in the fall. Does the team get to travel much?

Wick: That Seattle trip was actually a lot of fun for us — to be able to get out of the Midwest and go somewhere other than normal, old Rockford where we go every fall.

The Wake: Do you notice a difference between the Midwest and costal schools as far as crew goes?

Wick: Yea, there’s definitely a difference. Maybe not so much the crew teams themselves, but the mindset of rowing. The coastal schools have a lot of tradition built into their programs. They have the alums, and the recognition. If you go, let’s say, to the East Coast on a Saturday afternoon and there’s a rowing regatta going on, you’ll see people lining the shores just to go watch for the pure sport of it. Here, people are walking along the Mississippi in the morning and they might see us rowing, but other then that they don’t know much about us. So that’s a big difference. And the other thing is, our schools don’t get as much respect as the costal schools, not just from the general public, but from other schools. You hear about “the Harvard boats” or “the Cal boats,” and you know who they are. Then it’s like, “Minnesota, and who are they?” But we’re hoping to change that this year.

The Wake: So you think next year’s team is going to be solid?

Wick: Oh, I can’t wait for next year! It’s going to be so much fun. Especially after how our season ended this year. I think people will be kind of weary of us. We’re ready.

The Wake: What’s the progress on getting a new boathouse?

Wick: Supposedly, they are hoping to break ground at the end of summer. But what we really need is funds. We just don’t have the financial progress done that we need. So once we get enough donations and money raised, we’ll go ahead. But the park board has been really great and given us the go ahead from their end.

The Wake: Before I go, I have to ask this question, because it’s something that bothers me whenever I see the crew team practicing on the Mississippi, and I’m sure it’s on the rest of the campus’ mind. How much more difficult is it row against the current than with it?

Wick: (laughs) This spring the current was the worst I’d ever seen it. It’s very difficult! It’s kind of discouraging when you realize you went with the current down and then it takes you twice as long to get back when you turn around.

The Wake: Thanks for your time, and good luck next year!

Wick: Thank you!

‘I’m Rich, Bitch’ Award: Marion Barber III

Minnesota’s own star running back decided to forgo his senior year of eligibility and throw his head into the NFL draft. Barber and Lawerence Maroney were a wicked one-two punch at halfback (the only two in NCAA history to rush for 1000 yards on the same team two years in a row). So why is he skipping out on one last chance to prove the Gophers can be as good as everyone wants them to be? The draft pool for running backs wasn’t too deep this year. Did someone hear a cha-ching?

Master of Thievery: Torii Hunter, Minnesota Twins
Jeff Barthel

For several years now, Torii Hunter has been patrolling centerfield pastures with the swiftness of an eagle: Gliding inward and swooping down to snag wannabe Texas-leaguers; racing deep into outfield gaps to make diving grabs of line drives that had extra bases written all over them; and, as is Hunter’s trademark, scaling outfield fences to make mind-boggling snares of would-be homerun shots (i.e. Barry Bonds, Miller Park, the 2002 All-Star Game). As if that weren’t enough, the seven—year veteran is now mastering the art of stealing bases. As of April 21st, 16 games into the season, Hunter has successfully swiped a league-leading nine bases. Perhaps even more impressive, Hunter has yet to be caught (and this includes two SB’s off Detroit’s rifleman catcher, “Pudge” Rodriguez). Look for Hunter to easily eclipse his current base-stealing season high of 23, which he stole last season. Also, if Hunter keeps up his stealing success rate, he’ll have a good chance to win the AL stolen base title — a feat no Twin has ever accomplished. However, Torii would have to out-steal some tough competition, including Chicago’s Scott Podsednik (70 in the NL last season), Tampa Bay’s Carl Crawford (led AL last season with 56) and Seattle’s Ichiro Suzuki.

Surprise of the Semester: Men’s Basketball Team

You’re probably sick of hearing how the Gopher men’s basketball team were supposed to have been terrible this year, supposed to have finished in the bottom of the Big Ten. Not only did our willful hoopsters avoid such a dreadful fate, they powered through the Big Ten schedule with 10 wins and finished fourth in the conference, earning their first trip to the NCAA tournament in six years. And all of you wanted to fire Dan Monson last season… shame on you.

Scapegoat Award – Flip Saunders

The Minnesota Timberwolves needed to blame their disappointing season on something and apparently Flip Saunders was the cause of the Wolves’ demise. After reaching the Western Conference Finals last season, the Timberwolves had high expectations this year. However, a rash of injuries and sporadic play caused major problems that Saunders ultimately couldn’t fix. Saunders needed to use 12 different starting lineups and was fired when the Wolves were 25-26. These factors are an injustice to a coach who had been there for 10 years with a record of 411 wins and 326 losses. Flip Saunders got tossed off the same ship that he helped steer in the right direction and for that, Flip Saunders is the scapegoat of the semester.

‘Shhh’ Award: Women’s Hockey Team

Shhh… don’t tell anyone, but the Gopher Women’s Hockey team just one their second national championship in a row. Not only that, but the women absolutely dominated their opponents, posting a 32-2-2 record. Oh, and they were ranked number one in the nation the entire season. Rumor has it, there’s going to be a riot as soon as the rest of the student population hears about this.

Most Impressive Scoreless Streak: Matt Loberg, Minnesota Gophers’ baseball

For three consecutive starts (Mar. 25, Apr. 1, Apr. 8), Gophers senior right-handed pitcher Matt Loberg was relentless. The Anoka, Minn., native simply refused to allow any of his opposing hitters to cross home plate. Loberg pitched 25 consecutive scoreless innings. Loberg gave up 14 hits, issued three walks and struck out 19 batters during a pitching streak of Johan Santana-like proportions.

Look at me now award: Dwayne Wade, Miami Heat

In his rookie season Dwayne Wade was overshadowed by Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James. The former Marquette star has shown critics his abilities this season with the help of Shaquille O’Neal. The Miami Heat finished the NBA season with the best record in the East. Dwayne Wade averaged 24.1 points per game this season while also dishing out 6.8 assists per game. Wade has also had a handful of game-winning shots this season, which helped the Heat win 17 more games than last year. Wade proved critics wrong and showed them that he can play at a high level night in and night out.

Turnaround Award: Phoenix Suns

The Phoenix Suns’ front office deserves a round of applause for the marvelous job they did this season. The Suns added Quentin Richardson and Steve Nash, two vital elements to the Suns’ success this season. Richardson came in and provided the Suns with a good, small forward, which the Suns had been lacking in the past. Nash has taken over the team while having a sensational year at point guard. Nash is an MVP candidate who is averaging a career-best 11.5 assists per game. With the Suns new look, they have shown the NBA that teams can still play up-tempo basketball and be victorious. The Suns ran their way in to the league’s best record at 62-20 this season after posting a meager 29-53 record in the 2003-2004 season.

The Q-Lew Instant Offense Award: Vincent Grier, Minnesota Gophers’ Basketball
Jeff Barthel

A transfer from Dixie State Junior College (Charlotte, NC), Vincent Grier provided an offensive flair that has recent Gopher basketball squads have sorely lacked. Grier’s 17.9 points per game and wide assortment of high-flying, hair-raising dunks led Minnesota to its first NCAA tournament berth since 1998. With his explosive style and ability to penetrate inside, Grier may remind Gopher fans of ex-Gopher, current NBA guard, Bobby Jackson. However, it was another player from Jackson’s ‘98 Final Four team who had a nickname that aptly suits Grier. “Instant Offense” was a moniker of former Gopher swingman Quincy Lewis (a.k.a. “Q-Lew”).

Future Stars from the Big Ten

Deron Williams (Illinois) – Although he isn’t the quickest guard, Williams has terrific vision on the court and an uncanny ability to distribute the basketball. He averaged almost seven assists per game while helping Illinois to a 37-2 record. Williams also showcased his ability to perform under pressure in the NCAA tournament in the 15 point comeback against Arizona. Williams will forego his senior season and should be a solid contributor in the NBA.

Luther Head (Illinois) – Head possesses a great ability to shoot from long range with a 41 percent average from three-point land. He led Illinois in scoring with 15.9 points per game. Head is also an exceptional defender who disrupts passing lanes. Head will surely find a roster spot and see the court often in the NBA.

Bracey Wright (Indiana) – It isn’t too often when two high school teammates enter the NBA draft in the same year. Bracey Wright played high school basketball with Deron Williams before moving onto Indiana where he excelled. Wright is an exceptional scorer who won the Big Ten scoring title averaging 18.3 points per game. Wright will pass up his senior season to make the jump to the NBA.

Spring Semester MVG: Janel McCarville

The 6 foot2 inch senior may not have brought the women Gophers back to the Final Four, but she did just about everything she could to try. And besides, they did lose to the eventual champions. McCarville earned All-American honors again this year. And, even more impressive, she was the first overall selection in the WNBA’s draft. You go girl! We’ll miss you.

The Minnesota Vikings 2004 season ended with a defeat at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles in the second round of the NFL playoffs. The defense was the Achilles heel for the 2004 Vikings squad, which put the focus on defensive improvements for next season. The Vikings have had a very active offeseason, in which they have added five defensive starters. The 2005 Vikings squad is in position to win the NFC North Division barring any major setbacks due to injury.

4 D’s for 2005

1) Discipline. The Vikings must have a disciplined team because they have all the pieces of the puzzle to win the North Division this year. The Vikings won’t have any excuses for midseason blunders this year as their defense is vastly improved.

2) Daunte. Doctor Culpepper must have another big year for the Vikings’ offense to be successful moving the ball. Daunte also must control the ball and manage the game well since he is now Moss-less.

3) Defense. The Vikings defense must come together and play up to their potential for the Vikings to win the division and prosper in the playoffs.

4) Draft. The Vikings have two first-round picks in this year’s draft, which must be used correctly. The Vikings have the seventh and 18th overall draft picks, one of which may be used to draft another receiver. The Vikings should have the option to draft Braylon Edwards, Mike Williams or the impressive Matt Jones. Matt Jones is a genetic freak who is 6 feet 6 inches, runs a 4.4 sec. 40-yard dash and played quarterback for Arkansas. Jones is expected to play wide receiver, and the Vikings should have the ability to draft him as a work in progress.

The University of Minnesota announced a $35 million corporate sponsorship with TCF Financial Corporation in an effort to jump-start a campaign for a campus football stadium. An on-campus stadium? Are you serious? I didn’t think this day would ever come, but now it looks like it finally will … in four years. My parents aren’t going to like my new seven-year graduation plan.

This year I had the opportunity to travel the Midwest, watching our beloved Gophers get their asses kicked at various Big Ten venues. And as disappointing as these games were, the trips were always worthwhile because of that special feeling, the shivers and the goose bumps as I walked into these stadiums. Maybe it was the 12 beers I drank beforehand.

And now it looks like the University is trying its damnedest to inspire that same emotion where 200 cars are currently parked. And on top of these parking lots will rest TCF Bank Stadium. Doesn’t it have a nice ring to it?

I can see it now, the gorgeous red bricks rising above the ground, engulfing two city blocks. Men and women with big smiles and ironed, button-down shirts are at the doors to great you, and offer you a great opportunity to open a free checking account.

Inside the stadium, history is recreated with banners of Nagurski and Smith hanging inside the entrance and murals of Eller and Thompson etched on the walls. There are also representatives on hand to help you answer questions about your mortgage. First-time homeowner? Try TCF’s first-time homeowner mortgage plan with a special interest rate and repayment plan designed to help the first-time homeowner build equity at a reasonable monthly cost without compromising his or her needs in a home.

But none of this compares to the view of the field. The smell of red and yellow leaves drifts over the bricks, into the open air of the stadium. Fifty thousand seats surround the green field. Some people ask what the blue thing is above their heads.

“It’s the sky,” I say. Then I look at the seats, and each section has its own TCF ATM. No surcharges if you’re a TCF customer. This truly is miraculous moment in Minnesota history.

But in all seriousness, Minnesota — the only Big Ten campus without an on-campus stadium — deserves to leave the Metrodome. And I for one can’t wait for this campus to experience what everyone else in Big Ten gets to experience every fall, even if there is an ATM in every section.

As April nears its end and May soon begins, the baseball season is heating up and getting into full swing. Minnesota baseball fans all over campus are excited to see if their hometown team will play well enough to win its fourth consecutive conference championship.

You might think I’m writing about the Minnesota Twins … But wait, this time it’s our Golden Gophers. Yup, that’s right, the Minnesota Gophers baseball program is gunning for its fourth-straight Big Ten championship.

This remarkable goal seemed impossible to reach after the team struggled to a 7-11 start. However, the Gophers opened conference play with a four-game sweep of the then 19th-ranked Michigan Wolverines (April 1-3 at the Metrodome) and suddenly looked like a contender once again.

Led by head coach John Anderson, the 2005 Gophers will look to a trio of seniors — pitcher Matt Loberg, catcher Jake Elder and third baseman Dave Hrncirik — to lead them back to Big Ten supremacy.

To describe the team’s current status, it starts with the team’s biggest early season story, Loberg. As a player whose ERA has regressed over his first three seasons, this former Anoka High athlete has tossed 25 straight scoreless innings as this magazine went to print. Yes, 25. No lie.

Loberg’s latest feat was his complete-game shutout of the Indiana Hoosiers, a 5-0 win that led made Minnesota 5-0 in Big Ten play (12-12 overall). As of April 10th, Loberg had earned five wins and a 1.54 ERA in 46.2 innings pitched.

The last stat is perhaps the most telling. Not only has he pitched the most innings on the team by far (second is sophomore Cole DeVries, 30.2), but this came after Loberg posted a career-low 6.00 ERA in 45 innings all of last season.

Furthermore, Loberg’s performance against Indiana followed the announcement of his second-straight Big Ten Pitcher of the Week award. Considering his five-strikeout, no-walk, complete-game win over the Hoosiers, the Big Ten would be hard pressed not to name Loberg to his third-consecutive conference pitching ace award.

Handling the catching duties for Loberg, and most of the Gophers pitching staff, is Minnesota’s 2004 homerun leader, Jake Elder. The 6-foot-1-inch Canadian-born player has hit .313, hammered 11 homers and driven in 61 runs in his three seasons at Minnesota.

Defensively, Elder will play a key role with his ability to call a game and work with Minnesota’s pitching staff. Offensively, Elder is off to a slow start this season with .230 average, but the veteran backstop does have a team-leading 18 RBI and will be counted on as a big contributor to the team’s success.

Another key offensive weapon for Minnesota is third baseman Dave Hrncirik. While the 6-foot-2-inch Madison, Wis., native will not bust the cover of many baseballs (two homeruns in 348 career at bats as of April10), Hrncirik has provided the Gophers consistent hitting (a team-leading .386 batting average) and impressive speed (14 stolen bases in 16 attempts) this season.

Of course there are several other pieces to Minnesota’s Big Ten baseball puzzle, but the play of Loberg, Elder and Hrncirik will loom large for the team’s success. Can Gopher baseball defend its conference champion status for a fourth consecutive season?

Baseball is a game of streaks and, as mentioned, Minnesota began 2005 Big Ten play season with five straight wins. But with 32 games remaining, plenty of things can happen.

One thing is for sure: The Gophers definitely have a good ball club and appreciate the support from the Minnesota fans. With home series versus Northwestern (four games, April 22 thru 24) and Illinois (five games, May 13 thru 15) in the near future, there are definitely some good opportunities to support Minnesota’s other perennial baseball power.

Jeff Barthel welcomes comments at jbarthel@wakenews.org.

The snow is melting, the sun is staying out longer, a guy playing Jesus pretends to be crucified then rises from the dead minutes later as a pastor reads passion scripture. It must be spring, which means it’s time to get a few things off my chest.

Well, really just one thing, but it gets me so mad that it feels like a few things. I’m talking about Tony Oliva and the hall of fame veterans committee’s inability to dislodge their collective heads from their asses. Once again, Tony O was snubbed from baseball’s hall of fame.

How does one get selected to the hall of fame, you ask. Well, it’s pretty simple. First, the baseball writers of America vote for who they think is deserving of the honor. This year, they chose Wade Boggs and Ryne Sandberg. All those other punks that didn’t get picked, sit around for a few years until no one votes for them anymore. Then they are transported to a different selection committee: the veterans committee. These 80 members then pick anyone of these rejects to be in the hall. Wait… that isn’t simple at all.

The trick is, a person such as Tony O needs to get 75 percent of the veterans committee’s vote to be inducted. This year, no one received 75 percent, so no one was selected.

Is it any wonder? I never saw the guy play, but his stats speak alone. As a career .304 hitter, Oliva won three batting titles, was a golden glove winner, and was an eight-time all-star. All in only 11 full seasons of baseball (15 total). Is it just me or is it becoming a bit ridiculous that year after year people like me are forced to vent their frustration with naughty words in a magazine?

Thankfully, I have a solution. Baseball needs a chief of common sense, and I suggest that yours truly be appointed. I would start by putting Tony O in the hall. Or, an even better and more realistic solution, stop being unrealistic in the selection process.

The way it’s set up, it’s nearly impossible for anyone to be selected by the veterans committee, which is a crying shame. You would be hard pressed to sit down everyone one of those members and not find 75 percent that thought Tony O was deserving of Cooperstown glory. With all these rejected players to choose from, the committee spans their votes across a handful of deserving players, and therefore no one is selected.

I guess my second duty as chief of common sense is to rework this silly system. But then again, it is Major League Baseball. And it just wouldn’t be right if something in Major League Baseball actually made sense, and wasn’t completely screwed up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some steroids to take.

Boom! There it goes!

New York Yankee Rueben Sierra just belted a Juan Rincon slider 350-plus feet up into the Metrodome’s right field bleachers, thereby inducing a dramatic halt to the Homer Hanky waving of 52,498 Twins faithful.

Minnesota fans and players were crushed as, for the second straight season, the vaunted Yankees ended the Twins’ American League pennant and World Series hopes. Many Twins fans wondered…will we ever get past those pesky pinstriped players from New York?

Well, there’s definitely a chance, but the 2005 team will have to recover from some key losses and injuries in order to do so. One vacancy this year is third base, where Corey Koskie covered the Twins’ hot corner for six years. His replacement, however, is the first of five players I’ve selected as the keys to Minnesota’s 2005 success.

Michael Cuddyer, who provided invaluable service as a utility man last year, is entering his fifth season with the Twins. Though he’s seen little experience as a starter, the time is right for this 26-year-old Virginia native to step into that role.

Last year, Cuddyer was also able to post career highs in batting average, homeruns and RBI. I, for one, am excited to see what type of numbers Cuddyer will put up with his latest promotion. Early reports say that Cuddyer’s defensive skills at third base are improving daily, and he also has two homers in his first 20 spring training at-bats.

Across from Cuddyer, at first base, is where my next key, last year’s rookie phenom, Justin Morneau, lies. Though Morneau is no Doug Mientkiewicz with his glove, fans should be excited about the Canadian-born slugger’s hitting prowess — the 6-foot-4-inch player had 19 homers in his rookie campaign and could very well become the first Twin to reach 30homeruns since 1987.

With regards to pitching, the Twins should have one of the best staffs in the Majors. However, two question marks are Twins starting pitchers Kyle Lohse and Joe Mays.

Lohse had his worst season as a pro last year. The 26-year-old righthander posted an 9-13 record and 5.13 ERA in 2004. Lohse, and the entire team, hopes he’ll be able to find the groove he had in the previous two seasons when he posted a combined 27-19 record and a 4.43 ERA.

Mays is ready to put his hard rehabilitation work to use. The sixth-year player suffered an elbow injury in 2003 and was out all of last season, but he is poised for a comeback. If the 29-year-old is able to echo anything even close to his 2001 all-star earning performance (17-13, 3.16 era), both Mays and the Twins will be quite happy.

My fifth, and final, key is catcher Joe Mauer. Ahh, I saved the best for last. Mauer is a huge story for numerous reasons. The fine-tuned athlete is a mere 21 –years old and was the number one overall draft pick in 2001. And from Cretin-Derham Hall High School in St. Paul, Mauer’s a hometown boy.

But let us not forget April 6, 2004. On this day, his second professional game, Mauer suffered a meniscus tear in his left knee, thereby sidelining him for the bulk of the his rookie season.

The smooth swinging slugger was, however, able to impress many in only 107 at-bats. Hmm, let’s speculate. Taking the numbers Mauer put up in his shortened 2004 season and stretching them into a full year’s production, Mauer would have hit more than 20 homeruns and had more than 70 RBI.

If Mauer, who says his knee has fully recovered, can stay off thedisabled list, Mays and Lohse pitch the way they are capable of, Morneau’s power potential pans out and Cuddyer can flourish in his new starting role, I believe the Twins will win their fourth consecutive American League Central title, hands down.

And I’m not factoring in the rest of Minnesota’s 2005 roster. With Johan Santana (last year’s Cy Young winner) and the rest of the team, I’m inclined to believe a healthy 2005 Twins team can defeat the evil Yankees, win 100 games, and perhaps a World Series.

Jeff Barthel welcomes comments at jbarthel@wakenews.org

It’s 10:15 p.m. at Ridder Arena. I have to work at my apartment’s front desk at 2 a.m., but I’m not sleeping. I have 100 pages of reading to finish for a class tomorrow, but I’m not doing that either. I’m watching a bunch of college kids slide around on ice, whiffing at a miniature soccer ball with a stick lacking the bristles needed for it be considered a broom, and falling on their asses. WTF?

But as the co-rec broomball playoffs start, I have to admit I am entertained. This team is pretty fun to watch because they’re actually good.

- – - – - Let me interrupt this thought by saying I had never seen a broomball game before, nor did I do any research on the game during the process of writing this piece, so my idea of good is skewed.

They wear long-sleeved maroon shirts donning their name, Boofers, along with instructions and illustrations on how to boof (it has something to do with sex). And with their powers combined, they create a broomball force that cannot be stopped. Seriously. They haven’t lost in the three years they’ve existed. That is the reason I’m in Ridder Arena –-o witness broomball’s unstoppable force.

However, when I arrive at the arena for the first-round match, I’m not convinced I made the right decision by writing this piece. There are four fans watching the game. And I’m pretty sure they’re waiting for the match after the Boofers. But it doesn’t take long for me to see what is so special about this team.

They win the game easily, tripling their opponents shots on goal. Fifteen Mooney patiently weaves through the defense like a ballerina. Three Lil’Lightning aggressively hacks rebound shots at the net. Seven Kearney never misses a one-timer. And my personal favorite, 00 Kostrzewski is a stonewall goalie. They know how the play this game.

In the quarterfinal match there are a few more people in the stands. It only takes a couple minutes before the Boofers are at it again. Fifteen Mooney takes the ball from his corner, zigzags past three, stumbling defenders, and drills a perfect shot into the upper left net from 15feet out.

By halftime, they’re ahead by four goals. Then the crowd turns on them. I can’t blame them. Even I feel bad for the other team. A group of four guys sits in front of me and starts cheering for the Boofers’ opponents.

Three Cohen takes control of the ball, and a red-shirted gal chases after her. In her uncontrolled hustle, the red-shirted girl falls down and slides under the legs of three Cohen, knocking her to the ground. When the red-shirted girl stands up, she smacks her stick on the three Cohen’s helmet.

“She was going for the ball,” one of the guys yells after the referee blows his whistle.

“Do you even know anyone on that team?” An annoyed girl sitting in front of them asks.

“No,” they say, giggling. “We just feel bad that they’re getting their asses kicked.”

Now it occurs to me that this team isn’t just good, they’re unfairly good. And the semifinal match confirms my idea. They play another scruffy team

– - – - Scruffy is a term I invented that means the team has no cogent uniform or matching colored shirts. It doesn’t mean they’re bad. But then again, they are playing the Boofers, so they seem pretty bad.

It’s the beginning of the game, and there’s a pile in the middle of the rink. FifteenMooney taps the ball out of the pile toward the goal. It moves slowly toward the goalie who tries to hit it away with his stick. However, he completely misses and the ball slides into the net for a Boofers goal.

There’s even more people at this game, 35 by my count. There’s a group in the corner that is heckling the Boofers. “Hey maroon team,” one shouts. “You suck!”

A different group yells, “Tripping, ref, tripping!”

There is no good reason why the crowd is turning on this team. They are quite sportsman like. And they all appear to shower on a regular basis, so I doubt they smell.

They’re just too damn good.

The referee calls a penalty on the scruffy team for tripping. The culprit slams the door hard, his frustration echoing throughout Ridder Arena. I feel for the guy. It’s like the Boofers are cheating, I’m convinced there’s no way they can ever lose. Of course they win the championship, 7-0, capping the third perfect season in three years.

But I can’t help but think of all the random people who watched this team play and were moved to cheer for the other team. We love an underdog, and that’s why the Boofers make intramural broomball interesting. They show the crowd that they are too good to be beaten, not by being cocky or arrogant, but simply by playing great broomball. And as long as they continue their domination, their opponents and the crowd will watch, and get worked up for no good reason until someone finds a way to beat them.

But I doubt that will ever happen.

Around this time last year, the Gophers’ women’s basketball team began their historic run to the Final Four. Lead by the U’s former gold-child, Lindsey Whalen, the group of students made basketball exciting again.

Names like Humphries and Rickert were replaced with names like Whalen and McCarville. The team moved from the Sports Pavilion down the hall to the larger Williams Arena. The Gopher women were bringing in more fans than the struggling men.

Flash forward to this year and the Gophers are poised for another NCAA tournament run. However, one key element from last year’s formula is missing: Lindsey Whalen. Do the Gophers have the ability to repeat last year’s magic without the spark plug that could carry the team on her shoulders and light up the world with her smile?

Quite frankly, they don’t. No matter how many points and rebounds the Shaq-like Janel McCarville can grab in the paint, the absence of Whalen from this year’s squad takes away the one-two punch that left teams like Duke staggered.

McCarville played arguably her best basketball during that stretch. However, one has to wonder how effective she will be when defenses don’t have Whalen to worry about.

Don’t get me wrong. This team is talented, and I’m sure McCarville will put up some great numbers. But the package isn’t as complete as last year. So I figure I’ll serve up some advice to help the team push its way into another Final Four.

Keep McCarville out of foul trouble. As long as she is in the game, she can dominate the paint. If fouls force her to sit on the bench for extended periods of time, watch the Gophers sink in quicksand.

Shoot the rock, Schonrock! Since defenses will be keying on McCarville down low, it is essential that Schonrock gets hot from behind the arc. If she can keep defenses honest, then there’s all the more room for McCarville to do her damage.

Cheat. Pay off the refs. Obtain the ring of power (imagine the basketball force one could wield with the ring). Or simply punch the other players in the gut when no one is watching. Just make sure there’s no academic cheating involved. Ask Clem Haskins how that worked out for his Final Four team.

This issue’s MVGs: Men’s Swimming and Diving team. I know, I know. It’s supposed to be Most Valuable Gopher, not Gophers, but if ever a group of individuals deserved this award, it’s these rapscallions. Trailing by five points in the final event of the Big Ten championships, the 400 free relay team came from behind to take first in the event and win the team championship by three points, the closest mark in modern history. The Gophers’ men have now won the Big Ten championship two years in a row. Congrats!