The Wake

I hate pop quizzes. I truly despise them. I’m pretty sure that they annoy me more than anything I have encountered in any of my classes. I might hate group projects and having to going to the library slightly more than pop quizzes, but that’s neither here nor there.I am sad to share with you that pop quizzes are currently my main motivation to go to class. Enthusiastic professors? Interesting lectures? Reputable guest speakers? Nope. None of the above. Pop quizzes are what get me out of bed in the morning. In an academic sense, pop quizzes serve one function and one function only; they are to get students to come to class. If professors make sure to include in the syllabus (in bold print) that they will be giving pop quizzes throughout …

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As you may have noticed, our campus made the news fairly often in the past month and half the coverage hasn’t been flattering. Since the start of Sept., assaults on students has been a pretty popular activity–10 people have been assaulted since the opening weekend of school. According to the University of Minnesota Police Department website, there was just one aggravated assault and one simple assault for Sept. 2005. This may lead some people to think the safety of our campus is going to the crapper, which it very well may be. But I don’t think it’s time to start taking in wild suggestions for reckless policies. Our campus isn’t that dangerous. I can almost guarantee that you’re not going to get shot in your classes.Well, at least not yet.But …

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The extent of my farming experience consisted of occasionally seeing my friend tend to the potted plants he was growing in his dorm room closet so I had to sit down with a few experts before I could talk about producing food. What’s great is that there’s probably no better place to talk about food than the U. Our research facilities and faculty are intimidating and among the best of the nation. Not only that, we hold the legacy of Norman Borlaug, a superhero and an easy contender for the greatest person alive. Borlaug, who has a building named after him on the St. Paul campus, graduated from the U in the forties and has spent his life developing crops with greater yields throughout the third world. He won the Nobel prize in 1970 and …

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A man named Pete King is running for re-election as the representative of New York’s third district. He’s a really swell guy. Despite being a Republican, he has sustained a long and friendly relationship with the local Islamic center and has regularly garnered support among minority voters during his fourteen-year tenure. In the last election, he won with 63% of the vote. He attributes his success to courage and “outspoken integrity,” and that’s a quote from Newsday. Did you know that this same man recently said that 85% of masjids (mosques) in America are run by extremists who are planning a campaign of radical Islam? The problems with King’s statement are numerous. First of all, it’s just bad sportsmanship. King has accepted numerous donations form the local Islamic center and has accepted their vocal …

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It was almost like losing a family member. There he was, hanging around all those years like some old uncle, distant but familiar. He was one of us, we knew him by name, and at least, it was a name we could say without snorting, not like poor old Uncle Uranus. I miss Pluto already.Earlier this month, the celestial body formerly known as Pluto was demoted from planet to “dwarf planet” and renamed No. 134340. Astronomers voted Pluto out of the planet pantheon because of its size, tilted orbit and the fact that it is stuck in something called the Kuniper Belt, as you know, hell during rush hour.Astronomers have been debating Pluto for half a century, but the announcement came as a shock to the rest of us and not just because of its …

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All has not been well this month in the shimmery, sequined world of high fashion. According to the Associated Press, five models were banned from participating in Madrid’s fashion show “Pasarela Cibeles,” held Sept. 18–22, due to an unsatisfactory body mass index (BMI). This is undoubtedly not the first time in modern fashion history that models have been disqualified due to a weight problem. This time, however, these models were not banned for being overweight, but for being underweight, with a BMI under 18. BMI is calculated by dividing weight in pounds by height in inches squared, multiplying the total by 703.At first instinct, it is tempting to blow off such news as a rehashing of old topics in an attempt to get a rise out of the public. After all, keywords such as “bulimia” …

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The first time I heard the story of my two acquaintances being beaten with the barrel of a gun, their assailants collectively stealing around four grand of money and drugs from them, I knew it was time to delete some numbers from my phone. The minute your life starts to sound a bit too much like an Elliott Smith song, the first time you survive a chat with the cops while wasted, it’s probably time to reevaluate your priorities.If you or someone you know gets into drugs, there only are two outcomes. What hopefully happens is that the person realizes that it isn’t worth the brain cells or risk, and they eventually cut it out. Unfortunately, what happens more often is the person ends up burnt out, in jail, or dead. But every overdose, brain-fried …

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A year ago, life was good. I had just graduated high school and was about to go to a stellar college. I had a ton of really badass friends. I was dating a boy with whom I’d been obsessed for three years, who was also attending the U of M. I had moved out of my father’s house, and we were finally patching things up. And I was finally, finally leaving the stifling boredom of Manhattan, Kansas.But I was sad consistently and unsure of why. When I was with my friends or boyfriend, I was trying to figure out why I was so unfufilled. When my mom, my best friend in the world, told me that she loved me and that she would miss me when I left, I mumbled “ditto” or something equally as …

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First and foremost, let me say that I am, in fact, a gay man. I like the cock.With that out of the way, let me propose this: the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender movement has ruined everything for itself. Gay people have forced themselves into a horrendous caricature of a community.I’ll just go ahead and assume that you think I’m talking about traditionally “gay” mannerisms. I’m not. I have no problem with “girly” men or “manly” girls. I have never and will never hate anyone for what they are, flamboyant or not. I certainly will reserve judgment, however, for what they have made of themselves. It seems to me that some members of the community parade around (excuse the pun) trying to project an image that I can only describe as a …

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It is a beginning-of-the-year tradition for women all over campus to cut and tie their free (with season ticket purchase) Gopher Football T-shirt. Generally, this means to take an oversized shirt, cut the seams, and tie the remnants to fit a person of smaller stature. The result is a small shirt with holes in the side and a plunging neckline, crafted to strategically lure potential mates (or something) before, during and after the first football game of the season. Reflecting on this sort of rite of passage, my friends and I have often wondered where we would be now had we chosen that path. How would my identity have been shaped, were I to have gone with the tide, and acted as a woman my age is “supposed” to? It is widely acknowledged that the …

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“The goal of a Buddhist meditation is emptiness” slinks over from the seat next to me and wraps its mixed-up wisdom around my synapses. It feels as if perhaps my ears aren’t popping, but my head is exploding. I am beginning the descent of my flight from Cancun to Havana as I wonder, “What the hell am I going to do with all of these Christians?” I remember a sort of vow I made almost one year ago in which I decided to be a lighthouse and suddenly my mission trip to Cuba to help a church becomes my mission trip to Cuba to help the missionaries.When I agreed to go on this mission trip, I knew I wasn’t exactly Christian. I think Jesus is super, but I study Buddhism. Playing Zen tricks with my …

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The last good movie I saw in the theater was called (PUMA ATHLETIC WEAR) Inside Man, directed by Spike Lee. (PRUDENTIAL LIFE INSURANCE) All I’d heard of it was the description “bank robbery movie,” and I considered not going, but the choice between an overpriced movie ticket and another night hanging out with my parents was easy. It was a bank robbery movie, (CONVERSE FOOTWEAR) essentially, yet the story involved war crimes and history, it was far more than I (DOS EQUIS BEER—DRINK RESPONSIBLY) expected. Except there was this one problem: there were way too many fucking commercials.Was that first paragraph a little difficult to read? Well, that first paragraph isn’t much different than almost every movie that comes out these days. Suffice it to say that the majority of what …

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The first time I got in trouble I was six years old. Fourteen years later, not much has changed. Since that first time, I’ve been slapped, shaken, written up, brought into coaches’ and principals’ offices and benched from soccer games. When I was six, a relative shook me and assured me if I ever again elected to raise that finger, by itself, I’d go to hell. While some might wonder what type of first-grader gives the finger, I’m still curious about what kind of adult walks around telling small children of the afterlife they should expect.As I see it, the parallel among all my arbitrary authority figures from Catholic school and the Federal Communications Commission remains intact, and this, in itself, is a subtle middle finger pointed at the First Amendment. If this country were …

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Guys, is there anything more singularly terrifying than the possibility of some unexplained ailment in your favorite area? Such feelings could cause one to propose a question: What’s worse, a splintering pain rocketing through your nads every five minutes, or having to explain this feeling—with visual aids—to some estranged nurse in a cold doctor’s office between classes?Once I was staying at my sister’s house in Oregon, and in the shower there was a laminated poster that described how women should perform monthly breast exams. It had cartoon pictures similar to those of airplane exit strategy cards: bland, thoughtless faces angled downward at the afflicted area, and a hand with three fingers prodding the region in a manner completely devoid of eroticism. But the notion that a group of young women living together had a frequent …

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For a limited time, McDonald’s is offering a guide for a healthy, exercise-filled lifestyle with the new Go Active! Happy Meal for adults. Instead of getting a toy, however, McDonald’s is offering a virtual personal trainer. The meal includes any Premium Salad, a Dasani® water or medium or larger drink and one of four 15 minute exercise DVDs from Yourself!Fitness featuring Maya, the virtual personal trainer. The offer is part of a campaign launched in May 2004 called the McDonald’s Go Active! American Challenge. But 15 minutes might not be enough, since many of the salads offered are not necessarily a healthier alternative to the other menu choices—though they can be if chosen wisely. Take the Bacon Ranch Salad with crispy chicken. That alone is a total of 48 percent of one’s recommended …

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