The Wake

Rumors circulated for years that the University has considered getting rid of it’s sponsorship with the Coca-Cola Company because of human rights violations by the company. But new evidence about the university president’s addiction to the fizzy intoxicating drink suggests that this day may never come.

Despite claims that he considered getting rid of the Coke sponsorship, University President Bob Bruininks recently told an unidentified source that the U could never get rid of it’s dependency on Coke dollars, mostly because the prez is too addicted himself. “Why do you think we have Coke instead of Pepsi?” he reportedly told our source.

When we contacted Bruininks to see whether or not this is true, he would only confirm the information by the empty Diet Coke cans surrounding his desk.

“I have to run to the vending machine for him at least four times per day, and this doesn’t count the Coke he drinks at lunch and the 24 pack that’s in his office,” Bruininks’ assistant, Sue McGan says. “I used to nag him about his addiction, but I have now realized their’s no point.” McGan mentions that Bruininks has weekly dentist appointments because the Coke is ruining his teeth.

McGan says chances are very slim that Bruininks will get rid of the U’s Coke sponsorship, due to his addiction. “If we got rid of the Coke sponsorship, Bruininks would quit as president. He thought about switching to Pepsi, but he’s just not a [Pepsi] fan,” McGan says.

In a survey of 50 students, The Wake found that students had a new respect for Bruininks when they learned of his Coke dependency. “Its cool to know that he’s human too, you know?” engineering sophomore Jon Fres says. “I mean who isn’t addicted to Coke?”

The human rights violations include unpaid overtime for Coca-Cola employees, horrible working conditions, and child labor, says a statement put out by the student group, Students Against Coke. It says the U should get rid of the sponsorship to take a stance against sweat shop-style labor.

But those who don’t really care about third world countries oppose this opinion. “That’s what America is about; taking advantage of the third world. If you enjoy shopping at the Gap and driving your car, then shut up and drink you’re Coke. It’s about being American,” says American studies Professor Don Hal.

Most students oppose to the sponsorship because the Coca-Cola Company has come under fire for violating human rights policies in its factories. “I do not want my school to enforce something that takes away the rights of others,” says women’s studies freshman E.B. Mal. “Why does our school have to be corporate?”

The answer to this is simple: To keep prices down. Bruininks has said that the U’s Coke sponsorship is vital because it pays for many of the amenities students enjoy, like a new scoreboard in Williams Arena. “It’s these kinds of features that attract students to our campus, so we want to keep taking advantage of that,” Bruininks says.

“The Coca-Cola sponsorship does keep tuition down because it pays for things we would normally take out of students pockets,” McGan says. “Bruininks would like to get rid of the whole Coke thing because then people would quit asking him about it, but he’s too much of closet addict to ever let Coke leave the campus,” McGan says. “Plus if he raises tuition and fees any more, he’s worried he’ll be impeached.”

Having a vending machine is every building is a consequence of the contract, but many students welcome the machines. “Without the vending machines, my day would be so much harder,” Fres says. “Almost everyone in all of my classes is always drinking some Coke product to make it through the boring prerequisites they make you take here.”

“If we didn’t have Coke, I’d just find Pepsi or buy it from the grocery store. I’d rather have Coke in my life than pay higher tuition without the sponsorship and sleep through my classes,” Ispep says.

This new evidence on Bruininks comes right on the tail of a new study that suggests that if students continue to consume Coke at their current rate, the composition of the human body may lose its dependency on water and rely solely on Coke.