Freshman year is a time of confusion; a time when even the brightest of young America lose their way. These days, people tend to equate intelligence with street smLiterary. This is an incorrect assumption! Our more “seasoned” collegians know this to be an “all-to” common mistake. They remember the days fondly and laugh. Fortunately, it is at this tender age that one often turns a misdirection into an opportunity for exploration – taking in a spontaneous walk up a less-traveled street, dropping into a new café, or just sitting on a bench and watching the world go by.

In this “freshman cycle” of complete naivety/brilliant discovery, you begin to detect trends with people on campus. One might say that certain “personalities” appear more frequently than others, but in completely different individuals. Is this to say that all U of M students are lemming automatons who conform to predetermined structures? Certainly not! But let’s be honest, sometimes it’s just cooler to look like someone else. Whether you conform to one of these “personalities” willingly or by default is not the issue here; any identity crises must be dealt with on a personal basis. This is only an introduction.

1. The Yuppy

Everybody loves the Yuppy! And Yuppy’s love themselves too! Arguably the most numerous group on campus, you see these people everywhere: coffee shops, classrooms, sidewalks, and lecture halls. A Yuppy stands out because he or she “DARES” to be different. They usually wear “retro” clothes, ride vintage bicycles, carry messenger bags instead of backpacks, listen to public radio, and use MAC notebooks (no PC’s allowed). It’s a risky business being a Yuppy. As you can see, a required Yuppy characteristic is being “different;” indeed it is in “difference” that Yuppys are united! And somehow, within the Yuppy community, there is an undertone of making the world a better place – buying organic food, supporting non-profit orgs, protesting American foreign policy, and concerning themselves with the woes of the environment. Yet far too often do we find Yuppys purchasing their organic Kashi cereal in bulk from Sam’s Club (a conglomerate of Wal-Mart) and driving their “eco-friendly” gas-guzzling SUV’s home. This leads to another important Yuppy quality-hypocrisy!

2. The Sorority Girl

With no prejudice do we focus on the Sorority girl as the epitome of “Greek” life at the U. But let’s face it, in comparison with their Frat boy counterpLiterary, the Sorority girl community is simply a more “visual” presence in daily life on campus. Pride is the marking characteristic here! Pride in the two or three bold Greek letters (Alpha Phi, Kappa Kappa Gamma, Visa Visa MasterCard) embroidered on the chest of their hoodies, pride in the enormously bug-eyed sunglasses they sport rain or shine, and pride in the Motorola Razors, iPods, and Louie V or Coach purses that mommy and daddy probably paid for. Whether by Sorority regulation, or by choice, these girls usually travel in packs. Whether it be five of them sitting at Caribou coffee doing homework, or thirty of them marching down University Avenue Dressed as cowgirls on a Saturday night, their strength is clearly in numbers! Fortunately, the Sorority Community is self-sustaining; they are completely satisfied within the function of the Greek system, and tend to stick to themselves – no preaching. One final observation for spotting the Sorority Girl: it’s either PJ’s to class or “looking fine,” not too much room for middle ground.

3. The Varsity Athletes

You have to be careful with this one; many behavioral distinctions exist between the various men’s and women’s sports on campus, which prevent any sweeping characterizations from being made. Yet undoubtedly, there are certain traits which apply to the various athletic groups, not to mention an “aura” which surrounds their community at-large. In a sense, they can all be distinguished by their common “tribal” natures: A) Common Residence: you often hear of parties at the “soccer” house, or up in University Village with the football players. B) Matching Apparel: each team can be identified by their corresponding jumpsuits and street gear. C) Transportation: while this cannot be universally applied, it is clear that the football team must have some kind of monopoly on our local moped retailer. In essence, each “tribe” has its chiefs, villages, war paint, and customs. Nametags are common too- the athlete wants his or her status known, as if his matching jumpsuit and shoes aren’t a dead giveaway.

4. The Carlson Baby

Lookout cruel world, here comes the future of America! Enter the Carlson School of Management- a fabulous institution which propels America’s finest college graduates into the business world like none other. Trouble is, this “premature immersion” into business requires that these folks bring Wall Street to Washington Ave. on a daily basis. Even more notably, CSOM turns out these corporate hopefuls like clones. They were once “bright-eyed” kids all hoping to be the next president when “BAM,” Carlson desensitized them to finance adjustments, economics, group projects, and marketing schemes. Check out the Carlson School between class periods; it’s like a dress rehearsal for the New York Stock Exchange! Carlson babies also attempt to bring a union to professional business and collegiate life some can pull it off; many fail trying (and fail to recognize it). Speaking of “premature immersion,” picture this “entrepreneur”: pinstripe suit, tie, Bluetooth phone, briefcase, backpack, and Rollerblades-no joke! Yet the Carlson Baby deserves our respect, for even though these “cubicle-bound” characters seem ridiculous now, you will need them to fill out your tax forms in a few years.

5. The Emo Kids

There is a strange correlation between depressing Emo music and modern “gothic” culture that cannot be deciphered. Since when did “Screaming Infidelities” have anything to do with wearing really tight clothes and dark colors, having black hair that covers your eyes, and living life as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Cheer up Emo kids! Good Lord! This community is marked by looking depressed and lethargic, a lack of interest in anything (except one’s own problems), and low rise jeans with buttcrack visuals. When “The Get Up Kids” and “Dashboard Confessional” came on the scene, the Emo community appeared happy. Yet at some point (in Minnesota at least), the community took a turn to the dark side.Beaten up Chuck Taylor’s and studded belts of old were turned in for crappy melodramatic poetry and self-mutilation. I spoke with an Emo specimen the other day- it was like interviewing the girl who crawled out of the well in “The Ring” (guttural noises and all). The strange thing is these kids may not have it all that bad! So part the hair, open your eyes, and stop playing Dracula…..we want the old Emo back! Life is fair!

6. The Liberal Literaryy

Another huge presence on campus, the Liberal Literaryy’s represent the academic prowess of the University (perhaps a little too boldly). Similar to a Carlson Baby, the Liberal Literaryy is also premature. One might overhear these people outlining their doctoral dissertations in their freshman year, or blabbering on about their triple major/quadruple minors. Granted, it pays to be ambitious- but not everyone wants to hear about it all the time! No one really cares that you are technically an 18 year old senior because you left high school with a million college credits to your name. For the Liberal Literaryy, however, this academic jargon may be their only social outlet; the rest of their time is spent cooped up in a library, attending office hours, or writing papers. Spotting a Liberal Literaryy is easy- just look for a combination between formal and casual, such as tweed jackets and elbow pads with jeans and sandals for men, or long skirts with denim jackets and a pencil in the hair for women. Scholars keep this University going, and we do in fact need them- so the next time a Liberal Literaryy rambles on endlessly about academics, just nod and smile.

7. The Party Hardy

Everyone knows one of these guys; the quintessential John Belushis of the U. Party Hardies are nocturnal by nature, their lives fulfilled between the hours of 11pm-4am (and between 10-20 beers). If you spot a Party Hardy in the AM, the first question that comes to mind is which trash can did you roll out of this morning? Most likely wearing the same clothes from the night before, complete with beer stains left over from Burrito Loco keep an eye out for unkempt hair, “hang over” characteristics, and U.P.I.’s (Unidentified Party Injuries). The nocturnal Party Hardy will most likely sleep through lectures, and only be able to provide an occasional “uhhhhhhhhhhh” to the class discussion. Most Party Hardies are enrolled in college, but in my time at the U, I have been fortunate enough to meet a few individuals who can’t stand (or physically manage) to part from this lifestyle-not enrolled, graduated, unemployed, homeless, whatever! Yet somehow, this carefree and pathetic lifestyle has at sometime appealed to everyone. Alright let’s be honest, college wouldn’t be college without these guys!

8. The Dinkytowners

Nothing against the Dinkytowner Café (fabulous food, music, Happy Hour), but if you have ever witnessed the clientele meandering around the Café doorstep between 11pm and 2am, you know exactly who I’m talking about! “Random” is the first word that comes to mind: crossbreed the crew of the Black Pearl with the audience of a Judas Priest concert-that’s about as close as it gets!

Without delving into much further detail and classification, the previously outlined personalities ARE NOT limited to the descriptions provided. There are several “sub- groups;” mergers, and mutations existing between the categories. Crossbreeding is VERY common, and is in fact, a recommendation for newcomers to campus. Why sell yourself out to one category when you take part in as many as you want. Your identity is only as worthy as you make it. That being said, you best figure something out before we invent another personality for you: The Stupid Freshman.

Tags: Dinkytown