To many, these outlier parties seem like a joke, a waste of time, or even a severe hindrance to the major parties. I distinctly remember Democrats unabashedly criticizing people voting Independent, Libertarian or Green Parties in the 2008 presidential election. They feared those who did so would have voted Democrat if they didn’t have choices other than the two main parties. Thus, in their minds, Democratic votes were being taken away, giving McCain a better chance of winning. I too was of this school of thought. My main criticism back then was, “Why vote for a candidate that has no chance of winning?”

But what if the representatives of these “alternative” parties could win?

What if the Pirate Party was elected into the U.S. Congress?

Well, that is exactly what is happening.

Ok, the Pirate Party isn’t booming in the U.S. (yet), but fringe parties across the world are gaining a surprising amount of support. One of them is the Pirate Party of Berlin. This eccentric group of men in their 20s and 30s entered into the race for seats in the Berlin state parliament. On Monday, September 19, according to the New York Times, they discovered they had won 8.9 percent of the vote, solidifying a seat for every one of their 15 candidates. This surprised even them and raised a lot of questions within the German political scene as well as around the world.

What led to this seemingly random group gaining so many votes?

How can citizens with no political background function in this arena?

Can these parties have any effect?

There are many countries that have a similar political system to ours, where a select few political parties have held sway for a long time. However, with changing societies and changing values comes the need for new ways to run these countries. When the standard political parties can’t deliver, the people must look elsewhere. I know of many Republicans who lost faith in the party during the idiocy that was the McCain/Palin campaign trail. I also know of many people who are Conservative when it comes to economic issues but Liberal when it comes to social issues.

As for the question of effectiveness, Rick Falkvinge, the founder of the Swedish and first Pirate Party, said, “When Green Parties entered parliaments, the oil industry lobby became ineffective overnight…the other parties knew that the Greens knew this topic inside out, and they would not risk being caught with their pants down to the oil industry lobby in front of the voters…the immunization against the oil industry lobby not only entered parliament, but it spread to the other politicians there, very efficiently.”

I don’t know about any oil industry lobby becoming ineffective overnight, but his point is still valid. Many of these outlier parties have specific knowledge of topics that normal politicians may not have had the time to study. Thus their presence in the government can inform and influence those in other parties.

Now onto two blossoming parties that I, and many other people, are worried about: Perrusuomalaiset and the Tea Party.

The first is actually the Finish term for a political party meaning, literally, “Basic Finns” or, more commonly, “True Finns.” Last April’s Finnish parliamentary elections, which are held every four years, ended up being an unexpected change in the political makeup of the country. The Centre Party, which previously held the majority with 51 seats, lost 16 of those. However, the talk of the day was the True Finns, who were now above the Centre Party, gaining an unprecedented 34 seats, compared to their previous 5. They are now the third most powerful party in the parliament.

The problem with this group is their elitist views. They don’t outright say they want no immigration, but a well-known staple of their policy is supporting anti-immigration legislation. Also, they recently changed the English translation of their party name from “the True Finns” to just “the Finns.” I don’t even have to tell you how much debate this has sparked. One of the main newspapers in Finland, Helsingin Sanomat, still refuses to call them by that name. Unfortunately, Juho Rahkonen, head of research at the Taloustutkimus polling organization, believes that the “True Finns are preparing for a democratic coup in the next municipal elections.”

Then there’s the Tea Party. While not technically a political party, their influence has me under the impression that it’s only a matter of time until they are officially registered. At first I thought this was simply a case of Republican astroturfing that people would soon ignore, but it has been a long time since they showed up on my radar and they are still going strong. Whether or not I like them, the power they hold is undeniable. They do not have one official delegate labeled as a part of the “Tea Party,” but they have a never-ending stream of news coverage and a continually growing number of followers. Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann are two strong Republican presidential hopefuls that are also deeply involved with the Tea Party.

Whether you like it or not, groups on the fringe of the political system are gaining power around the world. Is this due to the “global economic crisis”? Or is this something reflecting a larger change in society with the coming of a new generation of citizens? I would like to think the latter, but that remains to be seen. All I can say is, before you put your faith in a political group because it sounds cool (“Yeah, I’m a member of the United States Marijuana Party.”) or because your family does, research it for yourself. You’re in college. Make your own decision.

The Wake: You guys have a bit of history in the local rock scene, could you talk a bit about the origins of Reckless Ones?
Dylan Patterson (Drums): It started with my previous band, Corpse Show Creeps, back in 2004. We were a psychobilly band in Minneapolis who did some touring and stuff. I met Adam because we needed him to take over for a previous bass player and he ended up living with me. We became friends and played together in Corpse Show Creeps before that came to an end, but we still lived together so we wanted to find another guitarist. As we continued our musical journey we were friends with Kevin who was kicking ass in his band Treehouse Bordello.
Kevin O’Leary (Guitar/Vocals): We all knew of each other but we didn’t travel in the same circles even though we knew we would all get along based on how we looked and everything. 2008 rolled around and these guys had a CD from one of my other bands, they wrote me up on Myspace back when that was still viable and asked if I wanted to start a band. I guess it was just the right timing because we got to work right away, brought in songs from all the projects we had done, anything that applied. Got to work and rather than do things the slow way by taking time to write songs together, we wanted to record right away so we just got busy.

W: Who are some non-rockabilly bands that have had the strongest influences on your music?
K: The main stuff that seems to filter itself into what I write besides all the rockabilly artists is like…The Beatles are huge for me. I’m a total sucker for pop; I love The Beatles, I love Depeche Mode, especially earlier on in the band. Lately it’s been a lot of like Tom Waits and Bruce Springsteen. It’s been a lot of The Boss.

W: You seem to turn out albums relatively quickly, how does your band’s songwriting process work?
D: For the first album we really all brought in whatever songs we had, but Kevin’s always been the majority songwriter.
K: I’m like slightly ahead in terms of who writes the most, and then it’s Adam, and there’s a lot of stuff that me and Adam wrote together. When the band started the three of us lived together in like a two bedroom apartment, I slept in the living room in my bed in a corner and we wrote everything there. But by the time a song’s done, it doesn’t matter where it started, in the end it’s all ours.
Adam Boatright (Upright Bass): Who ever has an idea brings it to the table, but then we dissect the HELL out of it. It doesn’t matter whose idea it is, it gets dissected by the band and we end up making it our own, putting our own individual flair in it and we’ll play a song I don’t know how many times before it’s done. Hell, we’re still fixing songs we’ve already recorded!
K: It’s pretty democratic.
D: We all seem to think along the same lines, there’s never been a big argument as to how the songs should go.

W: Set the World on Fire sounds great for an unsigned band, how did you guys go about recording that record? Was it a basement operation or did you go the professional route?
D: The first album Make Your Move was done at Humans Win studios up in NE, engineered by JB, he’s just a good player and really understands the music. He really helped us make this record before we had ever played a show. I thought it was a good way to start off a band, with an album so we knew how it was supposed to sound.
A: We did the same thing for the second album too.
K: Same place, same guy…
A: We liked him, trusted him, he worked well with us and it felt right.
K: We also recorded it within a year of our first album, and we didn’t want to waste time finding new people to help us out. We knew that we got good sounds out of this studio and we knew that the dudes that own it are super cool about letting us…pay when we can (laughs). JB is our buddy and when we recorded the second album we really geeked out about guitars and took our time. The first one we made really quick because we were so excited to get something out there and make this statement, you know, Make Your Move.

W: The album contains a lot of sounds that people might not expect. There’s a bit of 50’s style pop and even some country, was the goal to challenge expectations?
A: Musically, for sure.
D: There’s already enough bands out there that sing about the same old shit, you know, we just want to have fun and play rock’n’roll. We know don’t want to sing about cars and girls and all that shit that somebody might think just by staring at us.
A: We sing about real life, I mean, Kevin’s lyrics are real life stuff, it’s not make-believe. There’s plenty of love songs in there, but it’s all real stuff.
K: It’s because I do love.
A: I mean, there’s no “Drivin’ down the road in my hot rod, I’m gonna…”
K: “…bang a Zombie girl.” (laughs)
D: It’s funny, but there’s a lot of bands where that’s all they want to sing about.
K: We say what we mean and mean what we say. I love walking in to venues in all of the places we’ve played around the world and I can tell there’s places where people look at us and think “Aww…a fuckin’ rockabilly band? Oh great, 12 bar blues for two hours”. We get a lot of backhanded compliments like “You know, I came in and I really thought I was going to hate you but you were actually pretty awesome! Can I buy a CD?”
A: Maybe we should change our image if that’s the reaction we’re getting.
K: It’s not like hip-hop guys get kids walking up to them and asking “Do you like…dress like that every day? Are you in a play? Is this what you do all the time?” and shit, I swear to god it’s only us. And granted, there’s something very theatric and intentionally out-of-place about the look but this just happens to be the skin we’re comfortable in.

W: You guys wrapped up a pretty grueling tour schedule at the end of the summer, where did y’all end up?
A: France!
K: We were touring on and off all summer, it started off in May to the end of June, just touring all over the US, heading south and then west, which is a really neat route because it takes us through Texas and the Southwest and into California. We took a break for the second half of June and then we went over to Europe.
D: 26 days, we played 10 shows. I think 4 of those were festivals, it was pretty amazing.
K: It wasn’t really grueling. I mean, it was a long time but it was actually the best tour we’ve ever been on. It was the true tour experience of having a dedicated road manager and people taking care of you.
A: The US tours are grueling but you go over to Europe and it’s a walk in the park, they just treat you like kings.

W: Is the attitude towards “Vintage American” sounding bands like yours any different in Europe than in the U.S.?
A: They really love Western culture over there, but a lot of their rockabilly bands are singing about high schools and Cadillacs but they don’t really know what they’re singing about, so anything that’s Western culture that’s the real deal, they cling on to. So a lot of people love you that much but they’re not necessarily on the same page, and other people don’t like you because you’re American and they think “screw you.” But they loved us!
K: Over here we are the road crew, we are the driver, we are the road manager, we are the merch guy but over there it was like we were the musicians. We played some of the best shows we’ve ever done. I mean, we played on top the Alps at a biker rally! It was awesome. It’s so much better when you get to concentrate on your show and your instrument and rockin’ out.
D: Definitely better than playing one-nighters at the sleazy clubs across America, although there’s something to be said for that too, I think.

W: You got a taste of the festival circuit too this summer, do you prefer playing club dates or the big festival shows?
A: Clubs are still fun, they always will be, but festivals are amazing because you hit your target market in one show. We’ll do a month on the road in the US and you play some big shows but you’re also playing Sunday nights for 20 people, and then you got to drive 8 hours to get to the next city. For a festival you play 1,000 people that are already somewhat interested in the style of music, otherwise they wouldn’t be there.
D: It’s the next step, I think. It’s less work. You can play for two weeks with 100 people at each show and still struggle to raise a following in each city.

W: You guys have a really tight live set, do you have to hold down day jobs or is this group a full-time gig?
A: We still got jobs.
K: Nothing will make me happier than when I collect checks from this shit, that’ll be rad, but right now we still got to do stuff outside.
D: We’ve been working hard and hammering away until we slowly reach that point.
K: We’re super lucky to be in this band together and to all want the same thing and still get along. Everyone wants to play music but we want to play music for a living and we want everybody to hear what we do.

W: You call yourselves “Modern Rockabilly.” Why the “modern” distinction, what does that mean to you?
D: We’re not trying to create a genre, it’s just because Rockabilly is so wide it’s easy to get pigeonholed, so we almost have to pigeonhole ourselves. If you’re trying to book a 50’s style Rockabilly festival they got to know in a few words what we do, and we’re not “traditional” and we’re not Psychobilly.
A: We’re not “throwback,” you know like “Hey Daddy-o!”, so what’s not throwback? Modern.
D: Rockabilly has been around since the beginning of rock’n’roll, so when you span that many years it helps to give people a better idea of what you play.
K: It helps let people know that they’re not going to get a set of Chuck Berry covers, just one. (laughs)

W: During your tours have there been any places where you’ve thought “This town’s going to suck” and the reception surprised you?
A: Oh man, all the fuckin’ time!
K: San Antonio on this past May tour was great. Not that San Antonio’s a bad town and they’ve got a cool little scene there, but it was not a huge show and the crowd was all these people that loved the band, so it was way cooler than playing for two hundred people that couldn’t give a fuck.
A: Flagstaff, Arizona. We showed up and we thought the show was going to blow, but we played for 15 or 20 kids right up front who knew every single syllable to every single lyric, man I had shivers down my arms. I mean, they were singing louder than Kevin was sometimes.
K: Just shows you don’t need 1000 fans, just 15 really great ones to make you feel good.

W: You’re doing a few Midwest tour dates in the fall, what else is in store for Reckless Ones?
D: We’re trying to do some more dates here before the snow flies and it gets hard to travel. We’re flying out to California shortly here to play a one off show with Tiger Army. It’s going to take a lot of wrangling to get all the gear over there.
K: But it’s pretty badass, we’re playing with Tiger Army, which for all three of us is huge, back in high school they were in my CD player for months at a time. And now they asked us to come out play their one gig of the year, two nights at this stadium in Anaheim. We super jazzed, and every day it starts to feel a little more real.

Next local show: October 15 at Memory Lanes

Reckless Ones sure know how to kick off a record right. They’re letting us give you wonderful Wake readers a taste of their album Set the World on Fire by offering up a free download of their lead-off track “Summer Streets”. With a searing lead guitar line that’d make Chuck Berry jealous, and the kind of thumping drum and bass interplay that makes this group cook on the dance floor, “Summer Streets” is pure rock’n’roll, no gimmicks needed. THE SONG WILL BE POSTED SOON. CHECK BACK.

You know when you’re watching previews in the theater and you and your friends jab each other when a movie looks worthwhile? Contagion’s trailer was on my list. An array of familiar faces appeared and I was instantly engrossed. There have been plenty of movies spun from big name stars, but we all know that isn’t always successful (Valentine’s Day, anyone?). Still, the idea of a movie centered on a world-wide pandemic seemed intriguing, albeit ubiquitous. The ones I had read about or watched usually missed the mark. Zombies, zombies, and more zombies are not enough to carry a movie. I honestly just hoped that Contagion would give us a break from the fantastical.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I discovered the movie hit closer to home (well, dorm) than I thought. I learned that Scott Z. Burns, Contagion’s screenwriter, graduated from the University of Minnesota in 1985. The Golden Valley native also wrote the screenplays for The Bourne Ultimatum and The Informant! I may not parade my school spirit around at sports games, but I instantly felt a sense of Gopher pride when I realized an alumnus wrote the screenplay of a movie I’d been dying to see.

Apparently Burns has some Minnesota pride as well, because a large portion of the movie takes place in the U of M Medical Center and Fairview Southdale Hospital. Here’s the catch, though: like many other films (Juno, New in Town, etc) the movie was not actually filmed in Minnesota. The former films were both filmed in Canada, and Contagion’s team utilized an empty hospital in Illinois. Either way, the references to familiar landmarks and cities were pretty exciting. It’s nice to be known for more than the Mall of America and things in our state collapsing from too much snow.

When I first entered the theater to see Contagion, the ambiance was already set in stone. Something was wrong with the projector and the screen was pitch black, nobody was moving, and the people would only whisper to one another in very hushed tones. It felt like I was paying $10.50 to attend someone’s funeral. Fortunately, this movie was much more enthralling than a funeral procession. We first meet Gwyneth Paltrow’s character, Beth, a Minnesota native who has recently traveled to Hong Kong and falls gravely ill during a layover in Chicago. The audience is drawn into a montage of people from major cities around the globe falling victim to the very same virus. The symptoms made my skin crawl: a sudden ghostlike complexion, dry cough, seizures, double vision, dry mouth and, in its worst stages, a cloud of foam erupting from the victim’s mouth. Once a person is exposed or touches an affected area, they are essentially a goner. I instantly had a flashback to the H1N1 outbreak a few years ago, but this was like H1N1 on acid: all the hand sanitizer in the world couldn’t keep this from spreading.

The acting in the film was superb, although I’m not too surprised. Paltrow played the helpless victim perfectly and Damon (depicting Beth’s husband) managed to display the stages of grief in a very non-caricature like way, which is all I really hoped for in his character. I must say my absolute two favorite characters were Dr. Erin Mears (Kate Winslet) and Alan Krumwiede (Jude Law). Mears is part of the team trying to keep tabs on the disease and find out where it began. The doctor is exactly the kind of person you’d love to work for you: so dedicated to her career that sleep becomes secondary. She will stop at nothing to keep this horror from spreading and is essentially the Sherlock Holmes of Contagion.

The real showstopper is Krumwiede. He is a blogger who’s all about conspiracy theories and cynicism. He eventually gets sick and convinces millions that a homeopathic drug has saved him from death. People ransack his house and every store possible to get their hands on the drug, and Krumwiede ends up a millionaire. When government officials find out he had the flu, not the actual pandemic disease, they are outraged. One of them actually states, “If I could throw your computer in jail, I would.” This was my favorite line in the movie; it really shows how the internet and technology hold a fierce power over humans. Back in the old days, people were surely paranoid when polio and smallpox showed up, but they never had the internet and communication outlets that we have today. There’s a world of difference between pandemics then and now, and Contagion really demonstrates that.

This movie not only put a lump in my throat, but thoughts in my head. My eyes weren’t bugged out because of explosions or car chases, they were so wide because this could—and in many ways has—already occurred. I was choked up at various points throughout the film, particularly during a burial scene. It’s crazy that people instantly become statistics or science projects when disease spreads, and the movie really made that aspect feel real.

There was a romance between two teenagers that was sweet, but not entirely necessary to the plot in my opinion. I know it’s difficult to have a film without characters making googly eyes at one another, but this was definitely one that could have done without it. While my pursuit of a Journalism degree doesn’t allow me to be picky, there were a few unrealistic medical aspects sprinkled in that could have used more attention. All in all, Contagion is a fantastic movie that will keep you on the edge of your seat…partially because you realize just how many germs are on that thing in the first place.

When I first thought about the combination of hip-hop and rock back in middle school, I thought it was the best idea ever. But then I sadly discovered that the genre “rap-rock” was led by bands such as Rage Against the Machine, Limp Bizkit, and Kottonmouth Kings, all of which I have little to no interest in. Even after years of broadening musical horizons, I haven’t found any artist that has lived up to my expectations of this infusing of genres—until I heard Pip’s second track “Let Em Come.” The backing drums and guitar during the chorus is what you would expect to find in a hardcore song and Pip goes just as hard, with solid verses by local P.O.S. and Sage Francis.

The transition from spoken word to hip hop is awkward and unsuccessful for many, but not Pip. He harnesses clever, poetic lyrics that keeps the music interesting, but the problem with this album is the production value, which is, unfortunately, noticeably low. The powerful lyrics in the politically charged “Soldier Boy Kill Em,” a spoof of “Crank That (Soulja Boy),” and the intense “Domestic Silence” would have a greater effect if the music didn’t sound so disjointed from his voice. Hopefully this album will get the attention of the right people who will give him the proper facilities to record while also letting him keep his unique style.

Plinking pianos and eerie sounds await you on your trip to the ends of the Earth. WME is a fairytale from a parallel universe that has many twists and turns. Being released shortly after their well received EP The New Atlantis, WME is an hour long trip filled with entrancing guitar, ghostly vocals, and trumpet capable of playing a variety of roles. Bouncing back and forth between light hearted romps to haunting lo-fi ballads, every song on the album has its own character. The pacing of WME is fantastic, switching between engaging instrumentals and surreal lyricism. Songs such as “Enduring Love” provide an experience that seems surreal and desolate yet at the same time fill with a feeling of nostalgia and familiarity, while other songs fulfill the roles of rocking anthems for the album. On songs such as the intro tune “Live on in Photographs” the lead vocals border on whiney, yet most of the time this is countered by the ominous background vocals. Overall Where the Map Ends is strong debut album that delivered, after an EP that had us all hoping.

Overall, the album is well thought out and put together. Grace’s harmonious vibe and heartfelt songs will be more than enough to wet the musical appétit for her fans and music connoisseurs alike. If Written On gives us any glimpse of what we can expect from Grace’s future projects, then fans need not fret because this is only the beginning.

The Wake: What got you interested in designing clothes?
Tim & Thom: Our grandpa was a tailor. We’re the youngest ones in the family so we always had to tailor [hand-me-down] clothes to fit us.

W: What are your fall designs like?
T&T: We’re doing more of a fall and winter idea. Using more dense materials and playing around with things. We like more practical clothing.

W: Do you have any upcoming projects?
T&T: We’re doing a lot of custom work, that eats up most of our time. We’re probably going to have a trunk show when our line is complete.

W: What styles do you personally like to wear?
T&T: When we’re working, whatever is most comfortable. We like vests and slacks. That’s most comfortable for us on a regular basis. It’s a nice look for any occasion.

W: What’s your inspiration for your designs?
T&T: Music and environment. We ride bikes a lot and we’re very active so we try to make clothes that are appropriate for people [who are] part of active things. We make normal-wear, not high fashion clothes.

W: Do you think Minneapolis has a unique style?
T&T: Minneapolis culture is relaxed and laid back. I think it’s a huge melting pot and people dress based on their personality, it’s eclectic. It hasn’t refined it’s style yet.

W: What styles do you not like for fall?
T&T: It’s hard to say. I don’t know until I see it. Fashion rules, like don’t wear white shoes after labor day, are getting debunked. People bring out winter clothes too soon. Something we really like though is scarves.

W: What makes your designs special?
T&T: The lines we create are simplified and really detailed. They’re all about cut, colors, and the finished product. We don’t use crazy patterns. What’s nice is we make clothes for more generic body types, not just for size two models.

W: How long have you been designing?
T&T: Officially since 2004. Unofficially since we were young. We would make our friends’ Halloween costumes, then we realized we could actually make money doing it.

W: Are there any designers you look up to?
T&T: Classic American Sportswear designers. I love that esthetic. We’re more inspired by local designers.

You can find their store, You and Me, at 2114B Lyndale Ave S, or on facebook at www.facebook.com/shopyouandme

People in Minnesota seem unhappy with how the sports teams in the state have been losing game after game and failing to win a championship or even anything close to that in the past few years. But Minnesotans are forgetting about one certain team, a team regularly overlooked, solely because it’s women’s team. Yes, I’m talking about the Minnesota Lynx, the number 1 team in the WNBA.

“What?!” “Were number 1?” “I thought we were on a lockout?” “We have a women’s pro basketball team?” These are just some of the reactions I got when I told some of my friends at the U that the Lynx are currently favored to win the championship this year. It seems to me that women in this country are always looked down on physically, particularly in sports.

Let me give a brief history of the Minnesota Lynx for those, which I know are many, who don’t know much about the current team. The Lynx are led by the U’s own Lindsey Whalen (Point Guard), along with Rookie of the Year winner, Maya Moore (Forward), and leading scorer (16.2 points per game) shooting guard Seimone Augustus. The Lynx had the best bench in the WNBA all last season, led by guards Monica Wright and Candice Wiggins. Lynx head coach Cheryl Reeve was awarded the Coach of the Year Award for guiding the Lynx to best record in franchise history and in the WNBA Season. Their record (27-7) gave the Lynx home court advantage throughout the WNBA playoffs. After eliminating the San Antonio Silver Stars in three games and sweeping two-time champion Diana Taurasi and the Phoenix Mercury, the Minnesota Lynx will take on All-Star Angel McCoughtry and the Atlanta Dream in the 2011 WNBA Finals. The Dream, who got swept (0-3) in last year’s WNBA Finals to the favored Seattle Storm, are looking for redemption. The Dream has caused upsets to make the Finals by defeating the number one (Indiana Fever) and two (Connecticut Sun) seeds in the Eastern Conference. Home court advantage seems not important to the Dream. By the looks of it, the Dream seems to be the toughest team the Lynx will face in the playoffs even though the Lynx won both games against the Dream in the regular season. The Dream have won two of three road games in the playoffs, therefore we, the fans of Minnesota, must make sure we show our support for the Lynx and show the Dream what home court advantage truly means.

When we think of Minnesota basketball, we see Kevin Love and the Timberwolves, but right now, especially because the NBA Lockout still hasn’t been settled (*sigh*), we should remember that Minnesota basketball is also played by the Minnesota Lynx, a pro basketball women’s team in the women’s version of the NBA, for those who don’t know. The Lynx currently hold the best season record in the WNBA and are the number one seed in the playoffs. Minnesota’s hopes and dreams of winning one of the few championships since 1992 lies in their hands (or paws, really). Our Lynx are the best and they’ve got the record to prove it, but still they’ll have to show it again in the playoffs. With the opportunity the Lynx have been given with their talented roster, this is the biggest chance for Minnesota to show everyone that Minnesota can win championships too.

Let’s take a few minutes to look back in the grand history of Minnesota sports. Minnesota in the 1950’s was the most popular basketball location in the United States, and ever since the departure of George Mikan and the Minneapolis Lakers, the state of Minnesota hasn’t been able to get even a taste of basketball glory. Furthermore, outside of basketball, the state of Minnesota hasn’t won a championship since the Minnesota Twins won the World Series in 1991. Yes, major sports in Minnesota, from basketball, football, baseball and hockey, haven’t been so successful. There were some good times in some of these Minnesota teams, but as of late, all the recent attempts for a championship have ended badly.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have been free-falling in the NBA standings since the departure of Kevin Garnett, who failed to bring a championship to Minnesota after 11 seasons. The Minnesota Twins, who back in 1991 won the World Series, currently are the second worst team in pro baseball and is the worst team in the AL (American League). The Minnesota Vikings have had an inconsistent team since head coach Bud Grant led the Vikings to a Super Bowl win in 1969 and then departed the team in 1983. The 11 year old Minnesota Wild team have yet to win a Stanley Cup, although there were signs of a run in 2008 when the Wild won the Division title, but were quickly ousted in the first round of the playoffs and ever since haven’t been able to win 40 games or more in a single season. Our very own Golden Gophers have been unsuccessful in basketball and football in the past years and even if our hockey team has won the NCAA Championship in 2003, the Gophers haven’t made it back to the finals since 2003.

The Minnesota crowd, in championship poverty, have been cheering and praying that the Wolves would win the NBA Championship in the Garnett era, that the Vikings would win the Super Bowl, that the Twins would win the World Series, or that the Wild would win the Stanley Cup, but none of these male teams have been able to bring championship glory to the state of Minnesota in 20 years. If you would tell a fellow Minnesotan on the street right now that the women would be the one to bring a first championship in 20 years to the state, that person wouldn’t believe it, but they should believe it now. The Minnesota Lynx are on the hunt and are inching closer and closer to that coveted championship. We need to believe (I believe) they can accomplish the task ahead that they will win the WNBA championship, but they need our support and most of all we should not forget that the state of Minnesota has a team to be proud of, the Minnesota Lynx. Don’t forget that name.

All three of the detainees were held in Evin Prison on charges of illegally entering Iran and suspicion of espionage, though even President Ahmadinejad hoped the hikers would be able to prove their innocence of espionage. Bauer was the only one of the three that spoke fluent Arabic; the other hikers could not communicate with authorities.

Shourd was released on a $500,000 bail in September 2010 after nearly 400 days of imprisonment and being denied treatment for serious health concerns, including a breast lump and precancerous cervical cells. Ahmadinejad was reported as personally intervening in Shroud’s case in order to get her released in to U.S. custody.

Despite the hikers’ incarceration, Shourd became engaged to Bauer, and even made an engagement ring out of fabric from the T-shirt he was wearing when the three were detained.

The incident grabbed the attention of leaders, activists, and celebrities worldwide. President Obama, along with many others including Muhammad Ali and Ashton Kutcher, called for their release of the detainees on the grounds of inhumane treatment and a lack of evidence. The U.S. has neither an embassy nor any formal diplomatic relations with Iran, thus Swiss officials acted as the only intermediary between the hikers and Iranian authorities in order to evaluate their treatment.

Despite hope that the hikers could prove their own innocence, last month Bauer, who grew up in Minnesota, and Fattal were each convicted on all charges and sentenced to eight years of prison: three for the illegal entry and five for espionage. Their Iranian attorney, Masoud Shafei, though happy that the sentence was not more severe, said that “their sentence was not consistent with the charges,” as spying usually carries a death sentence in Iran.

On September 21st Omanian and Swiss officials negotiated a release for Bauer and Fattal, and, according to CNN reports, even paid their $1 million bail. “You can state officially now that the government of the Islamic Republic of Iran has handled Shane and Josh to the custody of… the Sultan of Oman, a country that enjoys excellent relationships with both the IRI and the USA… The hikers are now on their way to Muscat, [the capital of Oman], where they will spend a couple of days before heading home,” a statement from Oman’s envoy in Iran said. Oman, a country on the southeast edge of the Arabian Peninsula, has long-standing political and military ties to the U.S stepped in aid the two prisoners.

The families of the two hikers issued this statement following the release:

“Today can only be described as the best day of our lives. We have waited for nearly 26 months for this moment and the joy and relief we feel at Shane and Josh’s long-awaited freedom knows no bounds. At the same time, our deep gratitude extends to many, many others, from governments, institutions and noted campaigners to tens of thousands of people around the world. Our appreciation for the warmth and love of our fellow human beings is unending and we know that Shane and Josh will always be grateful.”

The release of the two detainees came with requests from Iran’s Intelligence Minister Heydar Moslehi for Washington to release Iranian prisoners held in the U.S. Moslehi focused on 11 Iranian citizens whom Iran claims have been taken in to U.S. custody or kidnapped by the American government. Though the U.S. has made no formal response to these requests, it seems very unlikely that these detainees will be released soon. According to Department of Defense reports, this list includes several prisoners suspected of illegal arms dealings in the U.S., Canada, and Europe, a prisoner tied to the Iranian nuclear weapons program, and simply defected Iranian citizens who do not wish to return to Iran.

Though there has not been any evidence to suggest that these 11 prisoners have been convicted of any crime or are even awaiting trial soon, it brings up some questions: Is the U.S. government treating Iranian prisoners in a similar fashion as the hikers released from Iran? Are we infringing on prisoners unalienable rights – something we accused Iran of doing in this instance?

The hikers detained in Iran obviously broke the law by illegally entering a foreign country, which is something they deserved punishment for in their own country, as there was clear evidence of that crime, but their case reflected more about Iranian-American relations than anything.

Certainly there is animosity on both sides; Islamaphobia – a term generally applied to both Muslims and people of a Middle Eastern descent in America and a general mistrust of Americans in Iran (due to differing views on imperialism and interventionism, amongst others). If our government can detain, perhaps even kidnap, Iranians for indefinite amounts of time in military tribunals and other facilities, who is to say that Iran cannot do the same with its American detainees? Iran must secure and protect its people, just as any other country.

Interestingly enough, the hikers were released just one week before President Ahmadinejad’s U.N. address, amid praise from many world leaders for his positive intervention in the matter.

TOMS shoes are old news. It’s impossible to step onto a college campus without seeing them on the feet of hippies, hipsters and hippopotamuses alike (at least they can appreciate how the shoes stretch out so much). Everyone knows about the “One for One” mission behind TOMS, and it’s fairly safe to say that the novelty of donating a pair of shoes to a needy child for every pair sold has worn off by now.

While TOMS has faded into the background as a staple in scenester footwear, there are still a number of issues related to the company that should be kept in mind the next time you’re in the market for simple shoes with a philanthropic agenda.

One concern that comes to mind while snooping around the TOMS website is the latent motives behind the company. Every page on toms.com has a heavily layered veneer of quotes and pictures reflecting its mission statement, so much that it’s easy to believe that kids in third-world countries actually do get a pair of shoes when Americans dish out half of their paychecks to match the lavish price of these simple shoes.

But why are these “poor” kids wearing better clothes than I am? My college budget doesn’t even leave room for me to buy clothes that match, but the promo videos scattered around the website depict children wearing clothes so new that I begin to feel like I should be the one getting a free pair of shoes.

Giving pretentious American shoes to poorer nations seems to support nothing short of the patronizing ego for which the United States is infamous. I can’t deny how nice it is that shoes protect kids from soil-born illnesses and allow them to attend schools without primitive dress codes, but the way TOMS presents this on their website doesn’t sit right with me. As shown in their promotional footage, TOMS shoes gateway children in underdeveloped nations to participate in activities like skateboarding and giving each other a thumbs-up, just like their American counterparts. It raises this question to me, as it should to everyone else: Is TOMS helping these people by giving them a resource necessary for survival, or is TOMS just unnecessarily forcing American culture upon disadvantaged nations?

If TOMS truly wants to make a lasting difference in the lives of these children, why not manufacture their shoes at the same places they donate them? It may not be as cheap as making them in China, but it would benefit the economies of these nations more in the long run than a one-time gift of free shoes. And eventually the workers in these factories could buy their children, and themselves for that matter, a more durable pair of shoes.

TOMS is unarguably doing a lot more good than most of us, but gaping holes still remain in the motives that move this company. I’m not trying to discourage anyone from making the day of a random kid in Argentina some months down the line, but I am trying to get people to think more about what’s on their feet.

Then again, TOMS could do worse.

Have you ever heard of BOBS? It’s a philanthropic project that Sketchers came up with all on their own, in which for every pair of shoes you buy from the BOBS collection, they will in turn donate one pair of shoes to a child in need. Isn’t that nice of them! I still can’t shake this feeling, though, that I have heard about someone else with his hand in this cookie jar…In fact I think that he might own that cookie jar! Yes, that’s right—TOMS shoes founded by Blake Mycoskie!

TOMS and BOBS are incredibly similar. They both donate one pair of shoes to a child in need when you purchase a pair of shoes from them, their names are each four letters in all caps, and the collections consist of almost exactly the same kind of shoes. So you’re probably asking “What is the difference between the two!? How is one supposed to chose the right shoe and not make the life shattering mistake of selecting the wrong shoe!?” From the surface it’s hard to tell, but when you look deeper the differences become clear and even a bit diabolical.

TOMS was made with a “why” behind it. They have a goal, a reason, a point to their “One for One” campaign. They truly want to help people in need, mainly children, by giving them shoes to protect their feet from what I know only as “foot killing disease,” but don’t rely on my diagnosis since I am not a doctor. In all seriousness though, the TOMS company is built on philanthropic motives.

BOBS on the other hand is not. It is easy to believe a corporation as large as Sketchers when they make a pledge that they will actually follow through, but it’s hard to believe that philanthropy is the only motive. Looking past their charitable façade reveals the truth; their marketing scheme is as self-serving as a buffet line. They must not have had a good marketing director at the time, because even a two year old child would have known that making BOBS almost identical to TOMS would only bring more trouble then profit, and it did. BOBS was ridiculed online so much that Sketchers shut down their link to the BOBS charity information, thus taking away their “why.” Next time they’ll think twice before hiring a marketing intern with an age still in single digits.

It boggles my mind that these huge conglomerated companies don’t care about anything else but money, themselves, and more money. They will use any means possible to get people to purchase their cheap, secondhand ideas. I don’t think that Sketchers did a bad thing by making BOBS; they just didn’t have an honest purpose behind it. All they cared about was that they could make money. They saw TOMS take off, copied everything TOMS did to a T and yet all they ended up with was ridicule and shame. Shame for trying to take advantage of people, and saying that they are doing it out of love. A love that comes from their tiny, plaque-blocked, self-centered, money-obsessed, conglomerate heart!

I challenge you all now to take a second look into the charities you give money to. Some of you will find that they are true and good, while the rest you will only find a tainted copy of something truly philanthropic.

I met a guy named Gregory “Jake” Starsiak, a wild but awesome dude, who can invent games in the blink of an eye and loves sharing them with others. Some of these games are just weird or crazy, but some of them are just down right awesome to play.  He invented and told me about two sports that can be played around campus or elsewhere during the winter season, which is quickly approaching. Trust me, these games really sounded fun when I heard it from Jake and I can’t wait to give them a try this winter with my friends. So here are the two sports Jake told me about:

Hillball
H-i-l-l-b-a-l-l, Hillball! This game can be played in two ways: either free for all if you have less than 10 people, or with two teams if you have more than 10 people. The game starts off with any kind of ball being placed on top of a hill while everyone stays at the bottom of the hill. The goal, if it’s free for all, is to be the first to get the ball from the top and then run/roll/whatever down to the bottom of the hill without being tackled. If you do get tackled (since you’re playing during the winter, the snow will make it less painful) or are unable to move then you must say “disperse” so that the people on you will get off of you and then you must throw the ball back up to the top of the hill and anyone, except you, will have the chance to try and get the ball down the hill. It’s alright to drop the ball, but you can’t throw the ball down the hill. Now, if you’re playing with teams, the same rules apply except you’ll have help and unlimited passing, unlike football where you can only pass once. One more thing, before everyone runs up the hill, everyone must count to three and shout “HILLBALL”, you know, just to make it all epic, and then run as fast as you can up the hill. And that is Hillball 101 for you.

Snumo
Don’t worry, were not going to shout “Snumo!” when we play this game. The game is pretty simple and played with three to four people. You start by making a circle in fresh powder snow and having all the players stand outside of it. Then at the count of three everyone jumps in the circle, feet first (not face first! you don’t want to do that, trust me).  After all the players are in the circle they must stand straight and then bow to each other with their hands together like what sumo wrestlers do before a match. The goal of this game is to be the last man in the circle, so basically it’s like the WWE Royal Rumble where you throw, toss or push a guy out of the ring to be eliminated. One important rule in this game is that you cannot punch, kick or do whatever ninja moves you got in you, you can only push your opponents outside the circle.

These two sports are some sports you can play on or off campus during the winter (or potentially all year). They may be out of the ordinary, but it’s fun to try something new, like Hillball or Snumo.  Just a reminder, play safe and have epic fun playing these sports. Not only should you try out these two epic sports, but you can come up with your own sports too. All it takes is some imagination. It doesn’t matter what season it is, coming up with new sports is fun all year ‘round. Go ahead, tell your friends about these two sports and pretty soon your new sport creation might be featured here. GO!

Fencing
I don’t know about you, but learning how to fight with swords sounds like an amazing use of my time (especially compared to checking facebook every hour and watching online TV). It’s about time you took that inspiration you got from watching The Princess Bride, Rob Roy, or Pirates of the Caribbean and did something with it. Here at the U, not only do we have a fencing club that teaches you the sport, but a competition team that travels to intercollegiate events.

Now, you should know that fencing is not the “grab whatever weapon you have and go for it” fight that you see in the movies, but it isn’t tame either. There are three different weapons that are used in the sport: Foil, Épée, and Sabre. Each of these weapons varies in weight, shape, and flexibility. Also, each type of weapon has specific parts of the body you can score on. For example, in épée you can score by hitting any part of your opponent’s body, but in sabre you can only score above the waist. There are other rules and particulars, but you will learn those when you go to your three free practices.

That’s right! Unlike some other sports clubs where you have to make a monetary commitment right away, fencing allows everyone three free sessions to test the waters and see if it’s a good fit for them. Practices are on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights in Cooke Hall which can be accessed through the Rec Center, with a possibility for Wednesday night practices too.

For more information and practice times, go to: http://www.tc.umn.edu/~fencing/

Breakdancing
You know you want to. You’ve seen bboys and bgirls dancing on the streets and at campus events and you’ve been envious. You’ve always wanted to learn how to breakdance but never taken the initiative. Well, here’s your chance, just don’t go into it with the “I want to do head spins and flares right now” mentality.

The U of M Breakdancing Club is a perfect environment for those that just want to session, know the basics and want to learn more, or are completely new to the style. “Practices,” if you can call them that, are not so much structured lessons as they are open sessions. Music will be playing and people will be dancing, but everyone there is willing to teach you whatever you want to know. The club officers will break down the basics for you and get you to a level where you are comfortable dancing and mixing moves to the beat. From there, they can show you new moves and variations, or, if you see someone else do a move that you like, all you have to do is ask them to show it to you. That’s what hip hop and breakdancing are all about, being a community.

Don’t think of yourself as much of dancer? Try it anyways. While you may have been taught through bad TV or movie representations that breakdancing is all about power moves (windmills, flares, etc.), it’s more about originality and style—and everyone has their own style.

For more information and practice times, email breakdnc@umn.edu

Ballroom Dancing
When you started college, was “learn to ballroom dance” on your checklist of things to accomplish? I doubt it, but college is all about new experiences. Personally, I was walking around campus one day last fall and saw a poster for free dance lessons from the U of M Ballroom Dance Club. I had always wanted to learn these styles of dance and I thought it couldn’t be a bad way to meet girls. The next thing I knew I had 8 different styles of dance on lock and was going out to dance nights all around Minneapolis.

Have you ever been to a salsa or swing night and wished you could dance like the seasoned pros there? Well you can. The ballroom dance club teaches both of these styles as well as tango, waltz, foxtrot, hustle, rumba, cha cha, and others. You switch partners every couple minutes so don’t worry, you won’t get stuck with a weirdo and that girl or guy you’ve got your eye on will make it back to you during the lesson. If you’re hesitant, your first lesson is free so you can test it out without commitment. They have beginner lessons from 6:45 to 7:30 every Tuesday and Thursday in the Bierman Gym basketball court. Then there is general dancing from 7:30 to 8:30 so you can test out your brand new skills. Out of everything I’ve learned in college so far, I can confidently say that dance has helped me out the most.

Here’s a good idea, go learn some new ballroom moves that you can showcase at the Yule Ball! (See below.)

For more information, go to: http://www.tc.umn.edu/~bdc/

Quidditch
This is a dream come true for a lot of people, the chance to play the ultimate sport from their all-time-favorite books. While the U of M Quidditch team is immensely popular, this is a giant school and many of you probably didn’t even know we have a team, much less that there are teams on college campuses across that country.

This “muggle” quidditch (that’s non-wizarding folk, for you n00bs) has a few differences from the kind portrayed in the Harry Potter books. First, there is no flying, but players still hold brooms between their legs. Second, the bludgers have become dodgeballs. Third, according to president Luke Zak, “the snitch turned from a small flying ball into a full grown athlete, adorned in golden, tight, sparkly spandex.” Currently, the league has about 170 active participants, twice as many as their inaugural year. There is even a competition team that will play in the first ever Midwest Regionals (October 8th and 9th) and the prestigious Quidditch World Cup held in New York City (November 12th and 13th).

Whether your hands are shaking with excitement from all of this or you’ve never read the Harry Potter books and have no idea what I’m talking about, you can all experience it for yourselves. The teams play every Sunday, except October 9th, at 1 p.m. on the East River Flats. Also, the league is hosting a Yule Ball in early December as a fundraiser. Yes, you head me right, a YULE BALL. Everyone who loves Harry Potter can freak out now. It will be held at the DQ Club in TCF Bank Stadium and only 800 tickets will be sold, so you know it will sell out.

As for the future of quidditch, Zak had this to say: “Not only is it here to stay, but it is continuing to grow exponentially on campus and around the world.”

For more information about quidditch and the Yule Ball, go to: http://www.facebook.com/umnquidditch

To make sure you’re not that guy, we have compiled some of the best events and activities to take part in throughout the Twin Cities this summer. So whether you’re from out of town and need some local insight or you’re in a fight with “awesome activity idea” friend, read up and do something exciting this summer!

DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATERS

Honestly ask yourself this question: when was the last time you came out of a movie satisfied? I’m sure that you chuckled a little at Your Highness and Hanna was “intense,” but do you really feel you got your $10 worth? Now, I love movies way more than next person and let me tell you this—there is a better way, but it’s only available for a limited time.

The key is drive-in movie theaters! (Yes, they still exist!) And they need you as much as you need them. They provide multiple, newly released movies for less than the price of one at your local AMC. More than that, you get to bring in whatever food you want (grilling, anyone?), watch a movie under the stars, and cozy up to your significant other with as many blankets as you want.

Best Drive-Ins:

Vali-Hi Drive-In, Lake Elmo

(3 movies, $8 per person)

Cottage View Drive-In, Cottage Grove

(2 movies, $8 per person)

MINNESOTA LANDSCAPE ARBORETUM

The University of Minnesota is full of surprises. It’s so gigantic that you can’t possibly know all it has to offer, even after four years. One of the facets of this institution that you should not overlook is the Arboretum.

Located west of Minneapolis in suburban Chaska, this 1,000 acre expanse is everything you could ask for in a perfect picnic location. The different areas vary from woodlands to wetlands to prairie, and with 12.5 miles of trails it would take you an entire day to see it all. Even if it takes you longer than that, who cares? It’s COMPLETELY FREE to U of M students. Try to smell every type of flower, play frisbee in a meadow, race the 10-year-olds there on a field trip through the labyrinth—whatever! Just promise me you won’t take the option of driving through the wildlife. Leave your car in the parking lot. Get your feet dirty.

For more info:

www.arboretum.umn.edu

U of M Students: FREE

Non-Members: $9

Every 3rd Thursday after 4:30 pm:

FREE to everyone

SEA SALT EATERY

Located within the picturesque Minnehaha Park, and conveniently next to a waterfall, the Sea Salt Eatery is the summertime restaurant. I say this because it is not your typical outdoor cafe. Yes, you sometimes have to wait a while to order your food. Yes, it is more expensive than McDonald’s (but from what I’ve heard it’s pretty cheap for people who actually make a decent wage). But none of that matters because it’s summer and it’s nice out and you’re craving fresh seafood. Or at least you better be, because this place has the best. Their menu has everything from catfish po’ boys to clam fries to marlin tacos. So grab a locally-brewed beer or some Sebastian Joe’s ice cream and get in line (Yes! You CAN have dessert before dinner!).

Good to know:

Open April to October

Daily Specials @

www.seasalteatery.wordpress.com

Don’t bring your impatient friend

MOVIES & MUSIC AT LORING PARK

Monday night movies & music at Loring Park has been a staple of summer tradition for years (and provided my first viewing of Cool Hand Luke!), which made their 2010 hiatus crushing for the thousands that flocked to the park, picnic blankets in hand, to dance like crazy and then lay in the grass for a classic film. Fortunately, The Walker and 89.3 The Current are bringing back the event for summer 2011, and will be bringing in live bands and screening films each Monday night in August. Though there has been no word yet as to the lineup or even the theme (which will be announced in May), The Walker has stated that on August 22 they will host a one-night affair that will feature a silent movie accompanied by a live band, harking back to the event’s 1973 roots.

Let me finish telling you about my vacation. I finished my two week trip in London. I spent over three hours at the Tate Modern. It was wonderful, and a nice change from all of the Renaissance art that I have been seeing before. Still, I preferred the Tate Britain. There is an ambiguous line between the two, seeing that Tate Britain has a lot of modern art. But, whatever. They were both still great. I also discovered the wonderful world of Primark. Primark is a huge store with extremely cute clothes at reasonable (aka cheap) prices. This was more accessible to me than TopShop. Even though all I really wanted was to throw down all of my money on a 200 pound dress, I had to be realistic.

Brianna and I met up with a friend who was in London at the same time we were and we were supposed to go to a show. Our friend was really jazzed on seeing this DJ because this said DJ only played shows a few times a year, solely in Europe. As a joke he opened up a door that entered the club, but was not the main entrance. After he did that this huge six-foot-five neo-Nazi bouncer would not allow him into the club. Just his luck, right? So, the night ended with street drinking and some really great night food. The street bratwurst was pretty good, but always ask for more onions.

I returned (I made my 30 minute transfer in Paris and was super pumped about that) and then I had a week and a half of school and exams.

On the 21^st I headed to Paris to meet my mother who was arriving on the 22^nd. Brianna had a friend of a friend who we were meeting up with for his birthday party. He is a male model. He had a private room at an exclusive club for his party. The scary bouncer was turning everyone away, but by mentioning that we were there for the party we were let right in. That was really exciting. I wish I could spend 1000 euro on my birthday (and that was only the champagne and whiskey). But, again, I have to be realistic.

When my mother arrived we did a lot of tourist things in Paris. We went to the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Musee d’Orsay, Versailles, Notre-Dame, Sainte Chapelle, and Sacré Cœur.

A few notes on some of these places:

1. The Mona Lisa is great, but go during the low season and get there early. I have never been pushed that much by grandmas wanting to get a picture of a painting. There were way too many people there, so that detracted from the experience. Also, taking a photo of a painting is kind of dumb, just buy a postcard – you will never be able to capture the painting properly.
2. Go to Versailles early. The Grand Trianon and Marie Antoinette’s Estate are not accessible after 3 PM. The gardens are incredible; definitely take some time to wander and explore. The palace itself takes at least 2-3 hours to go through. The audio guides are free, and sometimes really funny due to the random facts they give you. You will want to know more about the palace and the history after you are done, because some of the information is vague. Also, try to avoid the tour groups at all costs. You don’t want to be one of those people.
3. Sacré Cœur is worth the view of the entire city. The view is comparable, or better, than that from the Eiffel Tower. It says to be quiet, that photography is not allowed and to wear appropriate clothing. It says nothing against chugging a water bottle and using the bottle to take some holy water.

After Paris we went to Lyon for one night and we went up to the old city and looked at the view. We didn’t really know what to do, seeing that we were tired and not particularly interested in much else besides eating. I had some awesome tripe (intestines) and some great wine. That satisfied me with my Lyon experience.

For the end of our vacation we went to Cannes and laid on the beach for two days. I have a really funny tan line. The sea was so beautiful and it was the perfect ending to my petite tour of France. If you go there, be warned that you will see a lot of 50+ year old breasts.

Now I will continue my waiting game. I have to wake up at 5 AM to take the shuttle to the airport.

See you so soon, Minneapolis.

Au Revoir, Montpellier.

The Standard Bro:

This is the most common type of bro found around college campuses. No matter how hard you try to evade them, it is impossible to avoid this sect of bro culture. They’re not only the most abundant of this species, but the most obvious to spot. Their foods of choice include Buffalo Wild Wings, Chipotle, spaghetti, and sandwiches made by very-to-moderately attractive women of relatively similar age (whether or not the sandwiches taste good is not important to them). When it comes to liquid nourishment, they enjoy Natty Ice, energy drinks, and Muscle Milk. When at a bar, the “Standard Bro” will only order one thing besides a “Bud,” “Natty,” or “your cheapest whiskey.” And that is a White Russian, and only because they saw it in The Big Lebowski and for unknown reasons feel a strong connection to this film.

The “Standard Bro” is easily spotted by his clothing choices, which tend to include U of M apparel, North Face/Columbia fleeces, T-shirts or tanks that say anything involving athletics, chinstrap beards, socks with sandals/Birkenstocks, and colored sunglasses that resemble Wayfarers but were actually picked up at a KDWB or 96.3NOW sponsored event. The “Standard Bro” rarely strays more than a mile off campus but knows the location of every Buffalo Wild Wings in a 20 mile radius (there are 14). Because of their centralized roaming area, many specimens utilize mopeds as a means of transportation when not walking in packs. Although, the subjects refer to them as “Bropeds.” According to our calculations, a “Broped” is a moped emblazoned with U of M insignia, usually with another bro riding on back which is, as they say, “No homo.”

The Carlson Bro:

The hardest working bro in the frathouse, the Carlson bro is first and foremost driven by the almighty dollar. Attending class on days that projects and papers are due or tests are given, even taking Chinese to fulfill his language requirement because “dude, it looks fuckin good on a resume and besides,  Asian chicks are hot, brah.”

Usual attire includes at least one polo shirt, moderately distressed jeans, and a backwards Twins hat. Wrap around sunglasses can be seen during the summer months, but are molted after the first snow. Winter attire may include a puffy down jacket, and if close enough to the West bank, flip flops can be seen throughout the year.

A Carlson Bro is also recognizable as the only member of the Bro species that exhibits a behavior known as “suiting up,” which is used as a means of social stratification in the Brociety. A “suited up” Carlson Bro is judged upon the quality of his garments by other Bros to determine feeding and mating order. Alpha CB’s exhibited tendencies towards high-threadcount wools and silk ties, while lower-level Corpbros tended to choose Polyester.

The Carlson bro usually has an internship at any given time, generally something handed down to them from their fathers, who often hold an MBRah degree themselves. Favorite mode of transportation is rollerblades, followed by the long board. Can usually be found in the new Hanson Hall Starbucks, the super block, or a corporate intern mixer.

The Hipster Bro:

The Hipster Bro (or, Broster) tends towards the West Bank during the day, but at night you will inevitably find him at his Uptown bachelor pad or one of the surrounding hipster bars (CC Club quesadillas three nights a week were a common occurrence among members of this study). He drinks PBR as a rule, even when it’s priced the same as a Surly Furious, and still can’t figure out why the brakes on his bike don’t work, even though the guys at One-On-One say it’s a perfectly operational fixed gear.

A bit more sartorial than some of our other subjects, the Broster takes a great interest in his clothing. While he will attempt to “mimic” the style of the local Hipster population and therefore can blend in quite adeptly with his surroundings, the Broster can be easily identified by his evolutionary tendency towards a “popped” collar when he becomes excited.

This species was noted for strong tendencies towards Philosophy, Music Therapy, and Cultural Studies majors because they allow individuals to “express [their] true feelings about life’s struggle.” When asked about graduation plans, however, this Bro is unsure whether or not College is right for him, and he may elect to drop out in order to do some “serious traveling brah.”

The Wanksta Bro:

Sometimes confused with the “Standard Bro,” the “Wanksta Bro” separates himself by keeping himself at a distance from frat culture. Although voted “Most Likely to Join a Fraternity” at his suburb high school in “Maplehood” or “Hoodbury” (some Wankstas will also rep “WisCompton”), he feels that taking part in one of these institutions of privilege would damage his “street cred.”

A “Wanksta Bro” can be spotted longboarding around campus. To distinguish them from other longboarders, look for an awkward stance, frequent dismounts, carrying the longboard, and skater shoes. Other signs of this species of bro include flat-brimmed hats, professed ability to rap and/or make beats, wearing a coat with a fur-lined hood, and being unfit, despite his never-ending comments about how he could “smoke” people at certain sports.The “Wanksta Bro” is also the last Bro of the Species to shed his “summmer coat” of basketball shorts during the winter season. Certain WB’s will even resist their nature and refuse to shed the basketball shorts or longboards all winter, although this behavior is becoming rarer as a result of natural selection.

Another means of identifying the Wanksta Bro is by checking out their Facebook profile. If he frequently changes his profile picture to a picture of him playing some manly sport in high school (like lacrosse, basketball, hockey, or football), has ever changed his profile picture to a photo of an African American sports player, his favorite musicians include 2pac, Bob Marley, Eminem, and Maroon 5, or has an entire album dedicated to pictures of his “sick” Audi with “blinged-out” rims and body-kit, then chances are he is a “Wanksta.”

The Intellectual Bro:

The Intellectual Bro can be difficult to identify in the wild, since he mimics the clothing patterns of actual intellectuals. This usually includes a button-up coat and some sort of scarf in winter. In certain cases, the Intellectual Bro may also decide to wear a hat that he thinks makes him look Interesting. Glasses are an important fashion accessory for the Intellectual Bro, regardless of whether or not he has poor eyesight, as they are a sign of intelligence to mates.  This bro species can be found in coffee shops around campus trying to rope people into long conversations about Noam Chomsky. When startled, the Intellectual Bro may blurt out “God is dead” and then ask you if you know who Nietzsche (pronounced Neech-ee) is.

The Intellectual Bro’s main mode of transportation is walking because, as he enjoys telling anyone who will listen (and a lot of people who won’t), it makes him “feel closer to nature.” However, this bro may also take the bus, where he will pull out a book to read (generally something from the Barnes & Noble Classic Thinkers series), then discreetly look around to see if anyone is impressed. In the classroom environment, this type of bro will ask “questions” designed to secretly reveal how intellectual he is and will laugh too loudly at the professor’s jokes.

The mating rituals of the Intellectual Bro are somewhat peculiar. He and other Intellectual Bros engage in a competition known only as “Ultimate” to impress females. This type of bro has also been known to discuss feminism around women to try to attract a mate. If a potential mate engages an Intellectual Bro in conversation, the bro will tell the potential mate how much he loves Paris and wants to move there after graduate school.

It is important to note that most Intellectual Bro’s are not members of Fraternities, but the ones that do chose to go greek will defend their chosen house with claims of “academic goals” and “community outreach work” (volunteering at their girlfriend’s Sorority fundraiser).

The Intellectual Bro:

There are ways to differentiate the Intellectual Bro from other bro species. The Intellectual Bro’s drink of choice is usually wine or scotch rather than Natty Ice. This bro will always insist that drinking game rules are followed to the letter. Noticeable traits include a proclivity towards “science-projects” such as attempting to brew bathtub-Four Loko (the conductors of this study strongly recommend against consuming this beverage). This bro will also say he enjoys classical music and poetry, both of which a typical bro would dismiss as “gay.” If you overhear someone saying “Dude, The Waste Land, bro? The Waste Land is sick,” you are probably in the presence of an Intellectual Bro.

This inclusive categorization of the Bro species is only scratching the surface of the University Bro. Further publications will include the mating habits, habitat and migration patterns, and evolution of the Bro as observed by scientists and anthropologists affiliated with this study, funded by the coffers of Spring Jam as a means of garnering information on one of the largest student contingents after the terrible street riots of 2009.

AMONG THE BROS:

In order to conduct the rigorous research required to bring you this sterling piece of journalism, The Wake sent several intrepid reporters into the field to collect the necessary data. Bros were monitored in their natural habitats with strict attention to the scientific method. No Bros were harmed in the process of this study.

In addition to our observational research, our magazine also dispatched several audacious reporters to go undercover and live “among the Bros” in their environment by joining local frathouses.

We advise readers to exercise caution and discretion around Bros in the wild. Researchers were provided safety equipment including Natty-proof garments and earplugs. We especially urge readers who are interested in Bro-watching to be aware of the risk of being “iced.” This can be an unpleasant experience (“hella lame” in Bro parlance), and Bro-watchers should maintain a safe distance at all times.

It was recently brought to my attention that a small “news” short that
appeared in our recent “Bizarro” finals week issue has been deemed
offensive by some. The article referred to the newly-opened frozen
yogurt shop, Chilly Billy’s, and their apparent popularity among white
students. “Sarah Johnson” is not a real person; no part of this
article is intended to be factual, but it was intended to represent an
observation that I have been making recently. This was not meant in
any way to imply that Fru-lala was not accessible to white students,
or that Chilly Billy’s is only for white students and Fru-lala is only
for Asian students. Instead, it was meant to point out this apparent
divide and explore the reasons behind it.

Fru-lala has been in Dinkytown for nearly two years, and I have rarely
seen a white student inside. The same could be said about many
establishments in Dinkytown and around the U campus; how many people
knew where Le Crazy Taste was? If you compare the patrons of Pagoda
and Potbelly’s, what do you think you’d find? The fact is, many of the
students at the U are incredibly xenophobic and shy away from anything
that is not in their cultural norm. Personally, when I first heard of
Chilly Billy’s, I was shocked at the fact that someone would open a
frozen yogurt shop only one block away from Fru-lala. What
neighborhood needs two competing fro-yo shops? To me, the answer is
clear: Chilly Billy’s is for students afraid of interacting with
Minneapolis’ rich multi-cultural heritage.

I wrote this “news short” as a tongue-in-cheek way to expose the
inherent prejudices present on the University of Minnesota campus. It
should make people feel uncomfortable, but it should not make people
feel put down. I apologize if it came across that way, as that was
never my intention. Growing up in Minneapolis, I have experienced so
many different parts of what make this city great, and some of the
most prominent and valuable facets are our incredible Asian-American
communities.

However, I am saddened by the attitudes found at the University of
Minnesota, because they do not seem to be interested in preserving
these communities. For example, the University of Minnesota no longer
offers Vietnamese language classes, a recent development. I would
assume that this will eventually lead to the loss of Hmong language
programs at the U as well, something that I believe would be a huge
loss. These language programs not only allow heritage speakers to
preserve their culture and work on literacy in their first language,
but also allow students from other communities to learn about and
explore these cultures and languages. Without these programs, the
Asian Languages and Literatures major will be dominated again by the
big three of Asia – Korea, Japan, and China. While these cultures and
communities are also important, they should not be prioritized at the
detriment of smaller countries.

As a student at the U, it bothers me that small businesses like Golden
Bowl, Tofu House, Lotus, and Bahn Mi are less popular among the
general student population than Noodles and Co., or Jamba Juice. While
Chilly Billy’s is at least another small business (as far as I can
find), the only reason it has a client base in Dinkytown is because
students are afraid to branch out from their white suburban
upbringing. I will not continue to stand idly by as this suburban
xenophobic culture continues to dominate the University of Minnesota
campus.

Sincerely,

Maggie Foucault
The Wake Student Magazine
Editor-in-Chief

For those of you who are unaware of what has transpired, here’s a recap: small local brew favorite Surly wanted to grow up and build a Target Field of beer, so to speak. The new brewery/restaurant would do all sorts of wonderful things: draw tourists, create jobs, and keep our thirst adequately quenched. The one catch was that by selling their beer on the premises Surly would disrupt the three-tier system of beer distribution (comprised of producers like Surly, distributors, and retailers like bars and liquor stores) already in place, or so the MLBA (Minnesota Licensed Beverage Association) claimed. The MLBA claimed that the proposed complex would give Surly a competitive advantage. If major producers followed suit, then the system would really be on its way to hell in a handbasket. Although the MLBA still opposed the bill, an agreement was made that allowed for construction of the complex (which will lead to taphouses in breweries at more than just Surly) without damaging the three-tiered system.

Despite all this technical speak, there is only one real reason why so many people supported Surly: we love beer. This isn’t shocking news, but its curious that we use the supplemental justifications of job-creation and tourist-attraction, when all we are really saying is “This should be allowed because Surly is awesome and getting a pint at the brewery would be awesome.” Now, I realize that kind of language would be out of place, possibly counterproductive, on the Senate or House floor. Even though the complex will require no state funding, for the government to amend state law genuine political results are necessary. Still, it seems important that we realize our own motives. It’s not as if liking the Surly bill for beer’s sake is so bad. Let’s face it, Minneapolis and St. Paul are beer cities. Summit and Grain Belt are brewed locally, and with a variety of good Wisconsin brews crossing the river it’s safe to say that this is one of the most beer friendly cities in the nation. Hopefully the new legislature will inspire all brewers, from the micro-brewers to you home brewers out there, to take the next step up and make our beer culture even better.

As a former attendee of shows that were held at the venue, I initially sided with the Buffalo location’s reason for being displeased. The Buffalo location was a home to many show-goers of all ages and musical interests. They provided a place for bands to establish themselves and earn a name in the Minnesota music scene. It was also a place where friends were made and kids could listen to their favorite genres of music at a reasonable price.

With the appearance of the new venue, many fans of the Buffalo location felt as if the church was trying to replace the memorable nights that were spent there. Instead of respectfully addressing their issues with the name choice, the fans and owners of the venue lashed out on a juvenile website for the public to see. It was entirely unprofessional and demeaning, but the fans and owners of the Buffalo location began to back down within a few days, sweeping the issue under the rug completely.

According to the director of the Minneapolis Vault, the new venue is confused by the scandal they have unintentionally created in the music scene. The name “The Vault” was selected as a result of a contest that the directors held to choose a name for the conjoined venue and coffeehouse in the basement of the Plymouth Congregational Church. Their space is also much different from the old Buffalo Vault, though both venues have the same drive to support the local music scene; created in an effort to provide a place for kids interested in music to go and enjoy themselves, Their only mission is to provide a “safe, Christian atmosphere where youth can hang out and listen to music” as stated by the director of the venue and also the Reverend of the church, Paula Northwood.

Although there are some obvious similarities between the two venues, there are also some glaring differences. The Minneapolis location is a Christian venue designed for an intimate, musical youth group evening that they hold once a month. It is held in the Plymouth Congregational Church in the Twin Cities. The Buffalo location was not a Christian venue, and held activities much more frequently, and is nearly an hour away from the church in a small, suburban area.

Unfortunately for the Buffalo location, the name of the venue was not copyrighted, leaving the name up for grabs. While the name may hold a bit of a bitter taste in some people’s mouths, but it is a place for kids to hear music, and a place for bands to play, which was the purpose of the former Buffalo location, and purportedly the purpose of any venue. This “scandal” will unquestionably be replaced by something even more juvenile. But instead of contributing to the fire, we should embrace this stride towards Minnesota’s ever-growing music scene by accepting what this new venue has to offer and casting harbored resentments over the name aside.

Dooman River depicts life in a bordertown in Jilin province, China, near what is commonly known as the Tumen River. Though set entirely in China, the film’s dialogue is almost entirely in Korean, with snippets of Mandarin from the Chinese border guards. Though slow-paced and ultimately anti-climactic, the film follows Chang-ho, a young Chinese boy who lives with his ever-smoking grandfather and mute sister. He befriends a North Korean child who has fled from his country, bonding with him over soccer. Soon after, however, his sister is assaulted by a North Korean refugee, and views toward the refugees soon turn from humanitarian to suspicious. A friend of Chang-ho’s uncle is arrested for helping refugees cross the border into China; meanwhile, the mayor’s mother, who suffers from dementia, is determined to recross the Tumen river and return to North Korea.

Static cameras, framed shots, and haunting scenery make Dooman River worth seeing. The imposing mountains, bleak snowscape, and frozen Tumen river add striking definition to the many wide contextual shots. The bleakness of the landscape is familiar to those who have spent the whole winter in Minneapolis, though it remains a striking image that would likely be amplified when viewed in a warmer climate. Life in rural China is already fraught with difficulties, but adding refugees and border patrol brings it to a new level that makes Dooman River an incredibly effective film.

The Wake: How long have you been making music and what got you started?

MaLLy: I started making music and writing around 2000. It came about because I was a big fan of music and loved the creation process and also saw a lot of people perform. I started by just kidding around, seeing a lot of people’s freestyles or different rap songs, and back in 2000 Eyedea, bless his soul, was one of the first people I saw rap battle. Seeing him trading wits with another MC made me wonder how someone could do something that impressive and that intricate while still making sense. I got inspired by watching other people and listening to my influences.

W: Did you get into hip-hop via emceeing or did you start as a DJ, B-Boy, or Writer?

M: I mostly started by writing, doing poetry or, in the beginning, journal entries. I’d just try to write the thoughts in my head, whether they were personal or creative, and it let me have this open playing field to write whatever I felt comfortable with.
W: What would you say are your strongest musical influences?

M: Going back to when I first picked up a record I’d have to say Michael Jackson; a lot of people mention him because he made timeless music that connects with people. As much as we like to talk bad about him, and whether or not he got help writing songs, he sang on a ton of music. Donny Hathaway is another and so is Stevie Wonder. A lot of my influences aren’t really even rap, which is crazy because…I make rap music! There are a lot of people from the soul era that I’m really into, but if you want to keep it connected to who I am as an artist I’d have to say Tupac and Ice Cube were both big influences growing up. Currently, I’d have to say artists like Brother Ali, he’s a good man and a good friend of mine, and Toki Wright. So, a lot of influence from both a local standpoint and a national standpoint.

W: Who are some producers you work with? How did you connect with them?

M: I’m working with a producer who goes by The Sundance Kid currently and we’re coming up with a lot of cool stuff. Sundance is one hell of a producer that’s like no one else, he’s really not afraid to be different. He really manages to bring different emotions out with his production too, some stuff that I want to go hard on and some songs I want to give a more laid-back feel. I’ve worked with Mydus from Miami, Florida [on his debut album, The Passion-ed.], Astronote who’s from France, Zilla Rock from Philadelphia, and a group of producers/MC’s who used to go by Check and Balance but is now known as Nine to Five. Honestly, the Internet has done wonders in that sense, as you’re able to be in hundreds of places at one time with a just a click of a button. I think that’s been a gift and a curse. The accessibility has been a gift in the sense that you can reach more people at one time, but the curse is that there’s been a flood of less talented people who can’t use proper Internet etiquette and spam the shit out of you.

W: What’s your writing process like? What motivates you to write?

M: To be honest, personal experience is the biggest thing. I think writing from the experiences of the person you is key if you want to succeed in this industry. Toki talked to me the other day about being “standard” versus being yourself. “Standard” is what you hear on the radio, but people want to know who you are, and that’s why I write a lot from personal experiences. They may not have a blatant twist like “oh, it sounds like he went through this,” I try to make things as universal as possible. I want to be that face that people can identify with and make a connection with people. I like to be alone when I write, and I sort of have a ritual. I rarely sit and write in restaurants or other places with a lot of people because I tend to get too distracted. I like to be in my element and get a chance to put together my thoughts.

W: You’ve been steadily releasing a new free track to your fans just about every month, is it ever tough to record on that schedule?

M: You know, not really. Free on the 15th is a feature that came up randomly one night when I was working on a press release for the song “Airtime.” I decided to start putting out a song every month with The Sundance Kid to help get something built for our project that’s coming out in the summer of 2011. We noticed that no one else really had a creative theme for releasing free music at the time so we started releasing a free song on the 15th of the month.

W: Is releasing free music important to you?

M: These days a lot of people don’t want to pay for music, which is kind of unfortunate, but people are cheap and none of us have much money these days. But for me free music is a good thing because it gives people a chance to preview you with a whole song before they go buy your album. It’s another one of those gifts with a curse though, because free music is always being released by so many artists, regardless of their talent. When the album comes out, people can pay for it, but I think it’s good to release a free track from time to time.

W: Has the Twin Cities hip-hop scene been good for you or have you had to look elsewhere for exposure?

M: The Twin Cities for me has been good, in the sense that it’s good in a small way. If you’re putting out good music and doing good shows I think word spreads faster here. The hip-hop community is so small and everybody has so many connections, so it’s been good to me. I feel as if I’m still a new face but have made strides in two years that may have taken others 15-20.

W: Congrats on getting added to the bill for Soundset. How did that come about?

M: Last year when I was promoting The Passion I asked one of the DJs at the 5th Element store about how to get on the bill for the 2010 Soundset and he told me to put together an email with some tracks and accolades from critics. The interesting thing about Soundset is that Rhymesayers really knows who’s who and who’s doing what in the hip-hop scene, so even if you’re having an explosive year maybe they don’t want to jump on you too fast because they figure you might be a flash in the pan. In about the second week of March I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the email from Soundset and the first thing I did was send an email in all caps saying “YES YES YES I ACCEPT I ACCEPT, I WON’T SAY ANYTHING” because I had to keep the line-up quiet until they announced things officially.

W: I’m curious, would you go to Soundset if you weren’t performing?”

M: I did last year, it was my first time going and honestly, I loved that shit. I thought it was fun, you get to see people from out of town, and when I say “out of town” I mean from other states. You see people from places like Milwaukee, Chicago, Ohio, West Coast, East Coast, it’s a pretty serious event. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who’s an artist that wants to learn how to meet different people and talk to them, it’s the way to go.

W: Do you like collaborating with other rappers? It looks like you’re a bit of a lone wolf in the studio.

M: Honestly, I mean, collaborating with people is cool, but I tell people all the time that I’m pretty selfish and pretty stingy when it comes to songs. I don’t know why, I guess I feel like if there’s a certain beat that I really love, I feel as if I can do a really good job. For most people that I have collaborated with, I’ve listened to their music before and really like their stuff but for the most part if it’s meant to happen it’s gonna happen. I’m not gonna say “Hey Brother Ali!” or “Hey Toki! Let’s jump on a song together,” I like to keep things as natural and organic as possible as opposed to just picking people out to. I really just don’t reach out for features, because if I feel like if I let somebody else get on, I’m gonna outshine the fuck outta ‘em. I’m being blunt and honest, so no offense to anyone I’ve done a collaboration with, but you know, you gotta bring it every time. Go hard or go home.

W: On your album The Passion you say that hip-hop saved you. How?

M: The album came out a few years or so after the The Passion of the Christ came out so, it was a bit of a reference to that, but in a sense I feel like rap has kept me circulating. It’s been able to preserve me as a person, whereas when you’re working a job you’re not encouraged to speak out about issues you think about or problems you might have. You leave your personality at the door, sit down, and do what you have to do. But rap has definitely allowed me to preserve Malik, who I am. MaLLy is a stage name but rap has allowed me to preserve my individuality and even learn something about myself.

W: What frustrates you about the rap game these days?

M: I don’t like it. And when I say I don’t like it, I don’t mean that I don’t like being in the industry or involved with music. I love hip-hop, I love seeing shows, I love the whole scene, but I don’t like the politics that come with it, you know? Like “you gotta be down with this crew to get seen” or “you gotta dress like this person” or “you gotta do a song with person.” Even blogs are so political to the point where you have do a song with this individual, certain blogs won’t even take a look at you. Even if you’re good, they won’t take notice unless it’s like “MaLLy featuring This Bigger Name.” Your song with the bigger name could be horrible, and they’d still probably post it just because you’re with that bigger name. But if you take your time and post some nice shit and really show who you are, they might not pay attention to you.

W: Mind talking about that new album you mentioned earlier?

M: The new record that I’m putting together with The Sundance Kid is still in the brewing process right now. I got introduced to him by the guys in The Tribe & Big Cats, another hip-hop group outta the Twin Cities, and I remember them saying “you should check out this guy who makes beats, he’s really quiet, doesn’t say much and he’s a white guy.” Most people think that being a producer means you’ll always be out, dress in really nice hip-hop clothes, but Sundance is a really nice, laid back inconspicuous kind of guy. We sat down and talked about how we wanted to do a full album, alright, cool, but before that let’s try to release a couple of songs and build up some name recognition. So we started releasing the Free on the 15th songs, and this year we went down to SXSW and did a lot of networking, performing, and generally getting our name out there. Tentatively we’re going to call the new album “The Last Great,” but we don’t know yet, we’re still teetering around titles. But I’m really looking forward to it, and the musics’ dope, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

FREE SONG:
“Cloud Culture” is one of my personal favorites from MaLLy and The Sundance Kid’s “Free on the 15th” series, and luckily they’ve been kind enough to let us share it with you, dear readers, free online at Wakemag.org. Sundance drops a sweet, laid back beat with plenty of old-school string flourishes that fans of 9th Wonder or Sabzi should have no problem bobbing to. Mr. MaLLy shows us a taste of his effortlessly cool flow on the verses, delivering a feel-good hook that you’ll have trouble getting out of your head. I guarantee this tune’s gonna be a breakout summer jam after he rocks Soundset, so you might as well get on the MaLLy train early. You’re welcome.

The secret behind the Hot Pocket’s crispy goodness is the aptly named “Crisping Sleeve.” Slide your rectangular pastry into it, throw it in the microwave, and two minutes later you have a hot, somewhat crispy dinner. However, the crisping sleeve now has a brand new feature. Once done crisping your meal, the sleeve directs you to fold the bottom tabs into each other, and create a carrying sleeve! Not only do you now have a convenient means of carrying your meal-on-the-go, but the sleeve is perforated at various spots so that you can rip the top of the sleeve off, so that you never have to remove your hot pocket from it’s case, even when you have eaten it down to the top of the sleeve! This is the height of American science: not only enabling us to eat while we do other things (like drive) without making a mess (not including any car accidents caused by said eating-while-driving), but anticipates the consumers likely reply to the carrying sleeve (“but what happens when I’ve eaten all the stuff above the sleeve?”). An impressive feat, Scientists.

As with most advancements, this great scientific breakthrough was taken over by the marketing execs. What better place to advertise the Hot Pockets’ Facebook fan page than the sleeve from which the consumer should be eating? One such ad comforts the eater, “You can eat this all by yourself and still be social” and includes the URL for their facebook page. “See, lonely losers who eat Hot Pockets? You can still have friends even though you are eating something designed specifically for those who are dining alone!” Thank you Hot Pocket marketing department, I always know that when I am feeling lonely I can turn to my tasty, trusted friend and I won’t feel as alone. Because I will be drowning my loneliness with food, like any good American.

Paula Beer plays 14-year-old Oda von Siering, a quick-witted girl who, after her mother’s death, moves into her father’s grand estate on the Estonian coast. In this decaying mansion live her stepmother, stepbrother, and an assortment of German and Russian aristocrats.

Oda quickly discovers that the father she has missed all these years is not the esteemed doctor she remembered, but a power-hungry surgeon obsessed with medical oddities and death. Upon meeting an injured Estonian anarchist on the property, she must decide who she should listen to—her father or herself.

This film takes place on the cusp of World War I, in a setting that combines people of German, Estonian, and Russian descent, and the tension is palpable from the second the film begins. The addition of familial and sexual strain brings moviegoers to the edge of their seats. Unfortunately, Kraus chose to draw out the scenes that the film could have done without and shorten the scenes that were the most compelling. As the film built up to its climax, I started to truly feel the characters and their emotions. But the next thing I knew it was over, and it ended in a way that can simply be described as slow and unsatisfying. The acting, the setting, the cinematography, the music—all of it was more than I could have hoped for. I just wish Kraus had a better eye for editing.

Although many of these world leaders are goofy enough to make Mike Gould blush, Shapiro does treat them and their independence with respect. Why are these nations any less legitimate than major nations? Is it because they are not widely recognized? Yet there are plenty of nations around the world not recognized by others (Israel and Taiwan to name a few; the movie pints out that the Czech Republic does not recognize Liechtenstein). In the end, the title question remains unanswered, but that doesn’t mean How to Start Your Own Country is a failure. Shapiro plays to the film’s strengths (depictions of the wild and funny characters that decided to secede from their respective nations) and though the film isn’t as successful at going serious, its length (only 70 or so minutes) means it doesn’t spend a great deal of time on parts it doesn’t do well. All MSPIFF films are at St. Anthony and Main and the second showing is on May 2 at 9:30.

But it has to come to an end sometime. The preceding years were relatively uneventful union-wise, so it’s logical that the next few years will be similarly uneventful. Yet the situation is so tense that there is only one possible way this can happen: all unions will be disbanded. Here’s how it’ll happen: Scott Walker and all other governors and lawmakers will have no choice other than to fire all government workers, including themselves, in order to balance the budget. Simultaneously, the NFL, NBA, and all other major sports will no longer be able to afford players, due to exorbitant salaries and the leagues’ inability to guarantee player safety. All other unions will dissolve because there is no union for unions and if there is it’ll fall too, ‘cause unions suck.

Whoa! Hold the rope Packer Nation, life goes on, you just need to follow my simple tips to living in a world without unions:

1. Identify new opportunities.

The world changes. So our children won’t get the decadent comforts like education and infrastructure that the baby boomers and people in the 80s had, who needs those when you have buying power?  That’s something you fat cats got to get in your head (Short tangent on the word fat cat: a fat cat is bad because they feast off of the hard work of the people, irregardless of whether they deserve it, but doesn’t that describe cats, all of them, no matter how skinny they are? I suggest we cut the pork-laden word down to just cat). If you cats can’t think with your head, think with your stomach. People got to eat and what are the most popular places to eat? Fast food joints, good answer, but there won’t be any unions or even a legislative body capable of regulating the industry. So with that in mind, fast food companies will lower the standards they use to judge the quality of their meat. Sickened by a 50/50 ratio? Well you’d better get used to 16/84. But it won’t be so bad, you’ll see, because this means you’ll cook your own food, and that the environment will improve.  That’s right, more fillers means you need less animal per meat unit (slice, patty, etc.), meaning less livestock overall. Less cows and hogs means less feed-lots, meaning less methane in our atmosphere and less poop in our waterways. This opens the door for water-sports to become the next American obsession. Imagine it now: you’ve got your Meatburgers, you’ve got some tall boys, you’ve got your best friends over, it’s Sunday, the TV’s on, and you watch a good ol’ game of Riverball. If you play your cards right, you cats will continue to live like cats even when the unions fall (Note: I am still developing Riverball, and as of print-time I have only produced a diagram of two stick figures and an orb transected by squiggles meant to represent rushing water).

2. Don’t be such a bitch.

Fortune favors the bold. Do you think Scott Walker will be resting on his laurels? Hell no, he’ll be going back to that Seafood Buffet or whatever fucking store he ran before becoming a civil servant and he’s gonna run the shit out of that place. The dude theoretically fires the government and you don’t think he’s got the man-stones to handle the dinner rush? No, he’s on it and you’d best be also. But fret not cats, for the market will swing your way when the unions fall. The new economy will be built on hard labor and it’ll need plenty of able bodies (i.e. debt ridden college grads) if we’re to beat the Chinese and the Danish (somehow, in the new world order, they will rise to become a superpower, I don’t have time to explain) in the construction of the worlds largest mud skyscraper. C’mon, you union cats are all about hard work and shit, just look at your imagery. Pickaxes? Shovels? Why don’t you take that clenched fist of yours and put it to good use breaking up old bags of Quikrete with clumps already formed in it so we can build another Pep Boys already. But it won’t be a Pep Boys or a Jiffy Lube, ‘cause cars are going bye-bye. Think about it, you’re a cat with a load of money and you want to invest in the transportation sector. You can hire some people, some robots, and some more people to make said robots, all just to make a car; or, you hire a team of four to five people to lead a rickshaw style stagecoach taxi, that can make you money and also double your revenue in advertising space?

It’s that type of critical thinking that you cats out there lack and will need to develop shortly if you’re to make it in this union-less future-world. But with the right guidance you will not only survive, you will thrive.

This celebration of movies, held exclusively at the St. Anthony Main Theatre, started April 14 and runs all the way until May 5. New movies will be screened every day during this three week span.

The festival includes over 170 films from 60+ countries and, unlike other instances where this cliché phrase is used, there really is something for everyone. From a Norwegian quasi-documentary about giant trolls to a real documentary about why the hell China still has a presence in Tibet, the festival is a veritable smorgasbord of interesting topics.

The task of deciding which movies to see may seem overwhelming at first, especially to those of you who are new to all this, but don’t fret. I’m here to help. Before we get to the nitty gritty of movie selection though, here are a few need-to-knows:

1) If you REALLY want to see a certain movie, buy your tickets early. You can purchase them online at mspfilmfest.org or at the St. Anthony Main Theatre.

2) Arrive at the theater relatively early. Unless it is opening or closing night, there is no need to get there more than a half hour ahead of time. But don’t walk in as the movie is starting. For one, you probably won’t get a good seat. Secondly, people who attend this festival love movies—ones without distractions.

3) Take a chance! Don’t stick to the big names like Morgan Spurlock and Billy Bob Thornton. People who you don’t know make amazing films too.

This isn’t a “need-to-know” exactly, but you need to see at least one movie. This is the type of event where a lot of people, especially college students, think, “Oh, that’s cool, I’ll totally do that.” But when the weekend rolls around they’re back at the AMC seeing another predictable blockbuster. Don’t let this happen to you!

What’s so special about this film extravaganza? It’s easy to just ambiguously say, “There are over 60 countries represented.” But if you go to the film fest’s website (www.mspfilmfest.org) you can search by country, everything from Croatia to Greece to Uruguay to Kyrgyzstan. Also, there are multiple events still taking place throughout the run, including a free panel called “How To Make My Movie: The MN Flimmaking Scene” and social events at Barbette and the Triple Rock.

Of course there follows the whole problem of sorting through the 170+ choices and choosing the right ones to see. Because, even though I would very much like to, I don’t have the time or the money to see every movie I’m interested in. Luck for you, I watched every single trailer I could find for every single movie that is being shown, and simply read the description for those that don’t have a trailer. After that thrilling but time-consuming task, I’ve come up with a list of 18 movies that I would pay $9 (the price of a student ticket) to see that still have showings before the festival is over. Yes, these are my personal tastes and opinions, but considering three of my favorite films of all time are Brick, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Moulin Rouge, I wouldn’t worry about there not being a range.

Now all you have to do is choose. I know you can do it. And if you’re thinking right now about how you should be doing your final lab report or studying for the final in that class you despise, think about this—even though going to a movie seems like procrastination, you’ll probably learn and be inspired more during these films than most of your classes.

Hesher: Joseph Gordon-Levitt as metal loving anarchist alongside Natalie Portman and Rainn Wilson.

If I Want to Whistle, I Whistle: A Romanian film about a boy who runs into trouble just as he is about to be released after four years in a juvenile penitentiary.

Beginners: Christopher Plummer and Ewan McGregor explore the relationship between father and son when surrounded by death and life’s unexpected detours.

Better this World: Remember when the Republican National Convention came to St. Paul in 2008 and the two kids who tried to bomb it? This is the real story.

Dumas: A period piece about Alexandre Dumas, the author of The Three Musketeers and The Count of Monte Cristo, and his ghost writer.

Gigola: A French thriller about the Parisian lesbian underworld of the 1960s.

How to Start Your Own Country: Exactly like it sounds, but funnier.

Lila Lila: A German romantic comedy about a waiter who finds a romantic novel in the trash and passes it off as his own. According to the MSPIFF website, “A very good date movie.”

Madly in Love: Perfect for a “Girl’s Night Out” if you and your friends are looking for a movie that involves four women, the men they can’t help but attract, and isn’t Sex and the City.

Master Class Opera: You’ve always wondered about the mysterious world of opera. Now find out what it takes to become the next diva or divo.

Microphone: You heard about the citizen uprising in Egypt, now take a look at the underground arts and music scene that thrived in Alexandria despite Mubarak.

The Sleeping Beauty: From the director who created last year’s popular twisted fairytale Bluebeard comes another of the sort—this time combining elements of The Snow Queen, Sleeping Beauty, Alice in Wonderland, and more.

Stake Land: Yes, vampires. Set in a post-apocalyptic world, it is said to combine the horror diehard fans crave with thoughtful storytelling.

Stuck Between Stations: This closing night film has everything Minnesotans love: a movie set in our city, a non-traditional love story, and local star Josh Hartnett.

Tomorrow Will Be Better: Three young boys begging, stealing, and running away across Ukraine to what they hope is a better life in Poland.

Twisted Roots: A touching and exquisitely shot Finnish film about a father trying to explain his rare genetic disease to his children, and how it will affect them.

Wagner & Me: Starring Stephen Fry, one of my favorite personalities, this documentary tries to answer the question, “Can a work of art ever be separated from its creator?”

Young Goethe in Love: A German costume drama following Johann Goethe, a young man who defies his family’s wishes and pursues his dream of becoming a poet. Goethe is considered one of the greatest figures in German literature.

Short note on Strasbourg:

Strasbourg was lovely and if you get a chance to go there, you should. There wasn’t much to do, but the city is very beautiful and very German. I know I’ve trash-talked France a lot, mostly Montpellier, but Strasbourg has a lot of German influence – which makes one question why it is even a part of France. Plus, my favorite sci-fi television drama, The X-Files, was on tv in English, which was awesome.The main cathedral that everyone goes to, I believe it was Notre Dame (they are all over France), was pretty, but churches generally look the same and it isn’t generally worth going into each and every one. I did end up in a church mass on Saturday night before Easter, but I left due to being tired and wanting to watch The X-Files.

Czech it out:

Prague was incredible in its own right. The history, the food, the buildings – all amazing. You can still notice some of the Communist influence, even though it has been years since Russia lost power over them. My favorite things in Prague leads to a two way tie between Kostnice (the church decorated with human bones) and the Mucha Museum. Kostnice was small, but the mass amounts of bones and the intricate designs that the artist made out of them creates interest, not replusion, when you realize that thousands of people are used to make the chandelier. The Mucha Museum holds a collection of works from the Czech artist who  wanted to create a sense of nationalism throughout his people. His paintings were breath-taking. His depiction of seasons, flowers, zodiac signs, et cetera, through women in gentle, beautiful, and allegorical. It is something that everyone should see.

My Berlin Era (2.5 days in):

Today is May Day. In Berlin, that means a lot of anarchists, a lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, and a lot of cops. April 30th is a huge party day. I was out until, I think, 7 am? Like a true Berliner, I went dancing at a club all night. The club we ended up at, after waiting in line for 30-40 minutes at the first, was called Rosi’s. When we arrived they were playing Devo’s “Gut Feeling,” then it was Iggy Pop “Lust for Life,” and then Blondie “Atomic.” I thought I was in for an incredible night, but those songs were probably the best of the night. They must have switched DJs or something, because there weren’t really that many hits after those three. The cross-fade system was pretty bad, with some awkward transistions and pauses, but it was fine. I mean, I stayed there until 6ish. Outside they were playing Russian electronic music. It was ridiculous and something that I probably would never actually listen to. At least it wasn’t French or German Rap. That might be the worst.

Anyways, I’ll update more when I get to London.

Auf Wiedersehen!

See ya.