The Wake

BULLETIN

Dear Friends in Christ:

Due to the persistence of slanderous rumors now circulating our fair parish community, it has become my duty as parish leader to address and dispel the untruths that riddle our aisles, our halls, and our homes.

First I would like to attend to the rumors regarding the dearly missed Olivar family. Three months ago Mrs. Catherine Erickson watched from her next-door window as Percy Olivar buried a statue of St. Joseph in the frozen mud of his backyard. It is true that St. Joseph is the patron saint of dwellings and the protector of homes, but it is also popular practice to bury his plastic likeness in the yard of an undesirable house. It has been said that the Olivars broke ties with our parish because of racial intolerance, but this is not true. I have spoken with Mr. Olivar since the events of last week. During this conversation he revealed his reasons for leaving:

“Well Father, since I moved into the house out on Haverford Circle eight years ago we haven’t seen so much as a blade of grass growing in our backyard. Forgive me when I say this, but my mother and I both believed it to be a curse. I also thought it would make it easier to sell the house if the backyard didn’t look like a burden to take care of every spring and summer. After I buried him (St. Joseph) in my backyard like it said on the box he came in, our friends, actually a couple that Lucile and I know, made a generous offer before we could even put a sign up, and we accepted because the house would have been too small for us in six months anyway,” then he added, “I thought the whole parish knew already that Lucile is having a baby.” After that, he assured me that Lucile is adamant in only drinking bottled water.

The Olivars lived with Percy’s mother Sandra Olivar, who took care of Lucile throughout her pregnancy despite Lucile’s obstinate Lutheranism. Sandra attended Mass on Saturdays as well as on weekdays, leading the Rosary everyday before the Liturgy. Sandra named Percy after the Latin singer Percy Perez, who wrote the popular 50’s song “No Volver Nunca (Jamas),” which was influential in her decision to never see Percy’s father again after their son’s birth. Sandra’s fate as a single mother and her excellent understanding of double negatives prompted a handful of romantic reunions in her home and the subsequent violent expulsions due to Francisco’s infidelity. The last of these encounters left Sandra with only an empty bottle of mescal that the couple had shared the night before with worm remaining and nothing else. When Sandra awoke on the floor of her one bedroom home in Concord Illinois that Percy had left fifteen years before in order to attend college, she vowed to never consume alcohol again. She was glad that she had never decided to change her thirty-five year old son’s last name to match his father’s. Not that it would have been her choice at that point anyway, but these were the little assurances that she afforded herself after a life of regretful decisions. Francisco drained Sandra of all of her financial assets, forcing her to leave her home. Soon, Sandra came to live with her only son, her daughter in law, and her grandson, at their home on Haverford Circle until last Sunday, when the last of the moving trucks departed from the former Olivar home.

This brings us to the events of Palm Sunday. One week ago, Mr. Olivar and his son Denis left Church directly after Communion with the body of Christ fresh in their mouths, Denis having received Eucharist for the first time only the year before, and having received Penance only once. The two encountered Mr. Walter Leyton, the great-great grandson of the founder of our township, pacing and obviously preoccupied with his thoughts in the narthex. At first Mr. Leyton asked the genial kind of questions expected on a Sunday and the Olivars flattered the man with answers despite their visible air of haste.

Mr. Leyton would have liked to avoid typical Church conversation and relieve himself of his shameful family secret, but out of consideration of young Denis he waited until Mr. Mallory played the first few chords of “All Glory Laud and Honor,” on the pipe organ. No one knows if Mr. Olivar heard Mr. Leyton’s final confession, but Leyton was nearly screaming when the choir began the first chorus that he had been poisoning the town’s water supply with contraceptives. The men’s choir then began processing to the back of the Church where the three were conversing. In order to avoid coming into contact with me and to fulfill their initial purpose in leaving Church early, Mr. Olivar and Denis left Mr. Leyton with a mouthful of words yet to be confessed. The Olivars hurried out the narthex door and across the boulevard to their car as they did every Sunday before Mass was dismissed to hear the top five hits of the week on Billboard’s Hot 100 hosted by Casey Kasem.
Certain members of our parish have purported that Mr. Leyton’s choice to end his own life was result of his unresolved guilt. This is simply not true. Mr. Leyton suffered from extreme dementia and his death is undoubtedly the result of the medical phenomenon “sundowning,” a condition that deters the patient’s perception of their surroundings as their sight becomes less loyal when day turns to dusk. This effect is proven to provoke violence in patients who are easily frustrated by their failure to accept the limitations of what one knows through sight alone. My fellow parishioners, Mr. Leyton’s fate serves as a lesson in faith as well as vanity.

Mr. Thomas Leyton was the son of parishioner Jules Leyton, the one-time owner of Leyton Pharmaceutical. It would have been possible for Jules Leyton to poison our water with contraceptives, for the estate has direct access to the caves used to transport water from the river to the purifying plant down the block. In 1974, Jules Leyton lost all ties to the pharmaceutical business due to a series of corporate mergers. The presence of large delivery trucks became less frequent at the Leyton docking bay in the years thereafter. The Leyton docking bay was connected to the caves by a rusty steel door at the far end of the building where the cement floor became the cave’s natural stone. On either Thursday or Friday, Mr. Leyton fell into a hole within the cave that was positioned above the second pumping station. Municipal waterworks employee Joshua Carpenter discovered Mr. Leyton’s severed right hand in a standing pool of water yesterday. This raised concern among the public and prompted an investigation that led to the scene of Leyton’s death at the mouth of the abyss. The police found an unmarked vial of prescription medication where Leyton had fallen to his death, two inebriated teenagers in the barren graffiti marked docking bay, and finally an antique flying machine hanging from the ceiling showing recent repairs to its set of wings.

Have a Happy and Blessed Easter,
Pastor John Murphy