The television lit the room.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Miss America!
“I need a smoke.” His cigarettes were by the door.
“You can’t just blow this off!”
“I think I’m in the better position to judge what I can and can’t blow off.”
“Wallace!”
Wallace lay sprawled out on the couch, one hand dangling over a bag of Doritos. She stood between him and the television.
…Let’s meet this year’s contestants!
“Well what do you want me to do about it?”
“I don’t know, maybe act like a man for once in your life?”
…I am looking forward to a career as a congressional lobbyist and have served as an intern for Senator Elizabeth Dole
“No problem. Go get me my cigarettes.” He pointed.
“Wow, that’s just so funny I almost forgot to laugh.”
“Clever.”
…while in college I played in a steel drum band
“Goddamnit Wallace I’m talking to you!”
Wallace looked at her eyes. “No?”
“We can’t go on this way! This is untolerable!”
…as a child, my favorite game was “Operation”
“Maybe it would help if you quit blocking the TV.”
“I can’t stand this. I just can’t. I’m leaving.”
“Would you mind grabbing me my smokes on your way out?”
She left.

Now you’ve met all of us, so welcome to Miss America!
“You’re back.”
She was back. “Thought you’d get rid of me that easy, did you? Thought you could just blow this off?”
…or as the Weather Channel calls us – “Gown with the Wind”
“It was starting to look that way.”
“Babies don’t just grow on trees Wallace! They need care and parents and cribs! Two of them!” She held up two fingers to illustrate the point.
“And care and parents and cribs they shall have. Two of each.” He did likewise.
…they are talented, poised, intelligent and undeniably gorgeous
“So you’ll marry me then?”
“Get me my smokes and I’ll think about it.”
…really the only negative thing I can say about you girls is that you’re all too young to date Ashton Kusher
“That is so Wallace. That is just so Wallace. I don’t even know what I see in you.”
“Seven figures?”
…when I was that age Ronald Reagan was President
She gaped. “That is so insulting I just don’t even know where to begin.”
“Take your time.”
…of the Screen Actor’s Guild
“We just have to get married. What would my parents think?”
“How the hell should I know!” Wallace half-sat-up. “Now will you get me my damn cigarettes?” He pointed at his cigarettes.
…attractiveness, health, and energy
She reddened. “I…I…I…” She thought it over. “I…I…”
“It’s not a trick question for Christ’s sake! No need to search for the yearbook answer!”
…Miss America is brought to you by Singulair – ask your doctor about it
She wept. She was not such a “tough cookie” after all.
“No, better yet – just stand there and cry. Beautiful.”
She left.

Welcome back to Miss America!
“We’re getting married.”
“Well look who it is.”
“I don’t want to hear it. We love each other and it’s meant to be.”
…it’s our democracy, and it won’t work without the voice of every single citizen.
“That so?” Wallace yawned.
“I don’t care what you think. We’re getting married, Wallace, and that’s that. I already told my dad.”
…my platform – preventing youth violence and bullying
“Well you’re going to have to tell him it didn’t work out. I’m already married.”
“You…wha…what?”
“Yeah, bad break, huh?” He held up his Dorito-hand, displaying a ring.
…respect yourself, protect yourself
She considered the ring. “You…but…you’re what?”
“Married.”
She brought her hands to her mouth. “But…but what about our baby?”
…I will be entering Harvard Law School next fall
“Contact my attorney.” He flicked his lawyer’s card at her. It bounced off her midriff and fluttered down to the floor. She stared at it.
“Is…is this life?”
…My ultimate aspiration is to run for President of the United States!
“Fraid so hun.”
Her hands fell to her sides. “I guess I should go.”
“Guess so.”
…You have to dream big!!!
“But be a princess and toss me my cigarettes on the way out, would you?”
She played the princess and tossed him his cigarettes. Then she left.