“Brah, Dude, Man, Trust Fund Baby.” Call them what you will. During the past decade, the bro has become an increasingly visible addition to the U of M campus. Leaving in their Wake a trail of empty Natty Ice cans, hair product slime, and Five Hour Energy bottles, the bro has begun to branch into different species and genres, appropriating other pop culture and local phenomena into their rituals and behavior. In The Wake of fraternal turmoil on a national level, this research team aims to break down the “Bro” species, redefining the general understanding of Bro based on his physical aspects, fundamental belief systems, and natural habitats. After years of careful observation, Scientists at the University of Minnesota have created a new definitive taxonomy of Bros and their habits.

The Standard Bro:

This is the most common type of bro found around college campuses. No matter how hard you try to evade them, it is impossible to avoid this sect of bro culture. They’re not only the most abundant of this species, but the most obvious to spot. Their foods of choice include Buffalo Wild Wings, Chipotle, spaghetti, and sandwiches made by very-to-moderately attractive women of relatively similar age (whether or not the sandwiches taste good is not important to them). When it comes to liquid nourishment, they enjoy Natty Ice, energy drinks, and Muscle Milk. When at a bar, the “Standard Bro” will only order one thing besides a “Bud,” “Natty,” or “your cheapest whiskey.” And that is a White Russian, and only because they saw it in The Big Lebowski and for unknown reasons feel a strong connection to this film.

The “Standard Bro” is easily spotted by his clothing choices, which tend to include U of M apparel, North Face/Columbia fleeces, T-shirts or tanks that say anything involving athletics, chinstrap beards, socks with sandals/Birkenstocks, and colored sunglasses that resemble Wayfarers but were actually picked up at a KDWB or 96.3NOW sponsored event. The “Standard Bro” rarely strays more than a mile off campus but knows the location of every Buffalo Wild Wings in a 20 mile radius (there are 14). Because of their centralized roaming area, many specimens utilize mopeds as a means of transportation when not walking in packs. Although, the subjects refer to them as “Bropeds.” According to our calculations, a “Broped” is a moped emblazoned with U of M insignia, usually with another bro riding on back which is, as they say, “No homo.”

The Carlson Bro:

The hardest working bro in the frathouse, the Carlson bro is first and foremost driven by the almighty dollar. Attending class on days that projects and papers are due or tests are given, even taking Chinese to fulfill his language requirement because “dude, it looks fuckin good on a resume and besides,  Asian chicks are hot, brah.”

Usual attire includes at least one polo shirt, moderately distressed jeans, and a backwards Twins hat. Wrap around sunglasses can be seen during the summer months, but are molted after the first snow. Winter attire may include a puffy down jacket, and if close enough to the West bank, flip flops can be seen throughout the year.

A Carlson Bro is also recognizable as the only member of the Bro species that exhibits a behavior known as “suiting up,” which is used as a means of social stratification in the Brociety. A “suited up” Carlson Bro is judged upon the quality of his garments by other Bros to determine feeding and mating order. Alpha CB’s exhibited tendencies towards high-threadcount wools and silk ties, while lower-level Corpbros tended to choose Polyester.

The Carlson bro usually has an internship at any given time, generally something handed down to them from their fathers, who often hold an MBRah degree themselves. Favorite mode of transportation is rollerblades, followed by the long board. Can usually be found in the new Hanson Hall Starbucks, the super block, or a corporate intern mixer.

The Hipster Bro:

The Hipster Bro (or, Broster) tends towards the West Bank during the day, but at night you will inevitably find him at his Uptown bachelor pad or one of the surrounding hipster bars (CC Club quesadillas three nights a week were a common occurrence among members of this study). He drinks PBR as a rule, even when it’s priced the same as a Surly Furious, and still can’t figure out why the brakes on his bike don’t work, even though the guys at One-On-One say it’s a perfectly operational fixed gear.

A bit more sartorial than some of our other subjects, the Broster takes a great interest in his clothing. While he will attempt to “mimic” the style of the local Hipster population and therefore can blend in quite adeptly with his surroundings, the Broster can be easily identified by his evolutionary tendency towards a “popped” collar when he becomes excited.

This species was noted for strong tendencies towards Philosophy, Music Therapy, and Cultural Studies majors because they allow individuals to “express [their] true feelings about life’s struggle.” When asked about graduation plans, however, this Bro is unsure whether or not College is right for him, and he may elect to drop out in order to do some “serious traveling brah.”

The Wanksta Bro:

Sometimes confused with the “Standard Bro,” the “Wanksta Bro” separates himself by keeping himself at a distance from frat culture. Although voted “Most Likely to Join a Fraternity” at his suburb high school in “Maplehood” or “Hoodbury” (some Wankstas will also rep “WisCompton”), he feels that taking part in one of these institutions of privilege would damage his “street cred.”

A “Wanksta Bro” can be spotted longboarding around campus. To distinguish them from other longboarders, look for an awkward stance, frequent dismounts, carrying the longboard, and skater shoes. Other signs of this species of bro include flat-brimmed hats, professed ability to rap and/or make beats, wearing a coat with a fur-lined hood, and being unfit, despite his never-ending comments about how he could “smoke” people at certain sports.The “Wanksta Bro” is also the last Bro of the Species to shed his “summmer coat” of basketball shorts during the winter season. Certain WB’s will even resist their nature and refuse to shed the basketball shorts or longboards all winter, although this behavior is becoming rarer as a result of natural selection.

Another means of identifying the Wanksta Bro is by checking out their Facebook profile. If he frequently changes his profile picture to a picture of him playing some manly sport in high school (like lacrosse, basketball, hockey, or football), has ever changed his profile picture to a photo of an African American sports player, his favorite musicians include 2pac, Bob Marley, Eminem, and Maroon 5, or has an entire album dedicated to pictures of his “sick” Audi with “blinged-out” rims and body-kit, then chances are he is a “Wanksta.”

The Intellectual Bro:

The Intellectual Bro can be difficult to identify in the wild, since he mimics the clothing patterns of actual intellectuals. This usually includes a button-up coat and some sort of scarf in winter. In certain cases, the Intellectual Bro may also decide to wear a hat that he thinks makes him look Interesting. Glasses are an important fashion accessory for the Intellectual Bro, regardless of whether or not he has poor eyesight, as they are a sign of intelligence to mates.  This bro species can be found in coffee shops around campus trying to rope people into long conversations about Noam Chomsky. When startled, the Intellectual Bro may blurt out “God is dead” and then ask you if you know who Nietzsche (pronounced Neech-ee) is.

The Intellectual Bro’s main mode of transportation is walking because, as he enjoys telling anyone who will listen (and a lot of people who won’t), it makes him “feel closer to nature.” However, this bro may also take the bus, where he will pull out a book to read (generally something from the Barnes & Noble Classic Thinkers series), then discreetly look around to see if anyone is impressed. In the classroom environment, this type of bro will ask “questions” designed to secretly reveal how intellectual he is and will laugh too loudly at the professor’s jokes.

The mating rituals of the Intellectual Bro are somewhat peculiar. He and other Intellectual Bros engage in a competition known only as “Ultimate” to impress females. This type of bro has also been known to discuss feminism around women to try to attract a mate. If a potential mate engages an Intellectual Bro in conversation, the bro will tell the potential mate how much he loves Paris and wants to move there after graduate school.

It is important to note that most Intellectual Bro’s are not members of Fraternities, but the ones that do chose to go greek will defend their chosen house with claims of “academic goals” and “community outreach work” (volunteering at their girlfriend’s Sorority fundraiser).

The Intellectual Bro:

There are ways to differentiate the Intellectual Bro from other bro species. The Intellectual Bro’s drink of choice is usually wine or scotch rather than Natty Ice. This bro will always insist that drinking game rules are followed to the letter. Noticeable traits include a proclivity towards “science-projects” such as attempting to brew bathtub-Four Loko (the conductors of this study strongly recommend against consuming this beverage). This bro will also say he enjoys classical music and poetry, both of which a typical bro would dismiss as “gay.” If you overhear someone saying “Dude, The Waste Land, bro? The Waste Land is sick,” you are probably in the presence of an Intellectual Bro.

This inclusive categorization of the Bro species is only scratching the surface of the University Bro. Further publications will include the mating habits, habitat and migration patterns, and evolution of the Bro as observed by scientists and anthropologists affiliated with this study, funded by the coffers of Spring Jam as a means of garnering information on one of the largest student contingents after the terrible street riots of 2009.

AMONG THE BROS:

In order to conduct the rigorous research required to bring you this sterling piece of journalism, The Wake sent several intrepid reporters into the field to collect the necessary data. Bros were monitored in their natural habitats with strict attention to the scientific method. No Bros were harmed in the process of this study.

In addition to our observational research, our magazine also dispatched several audacious reporters to go undercover and live “among the Bros” in their environment by joining local frathouses.

We advise readers to exercise caution and discretion around Bros in the wild. Researchers were provided safety equipment including Natty-proof garments and earplugs. We especially urge readers who are interested in Bro-watching to be aware of the risk of being “iced.” This can be an unpleasant experience (“hella lame” in Bro parlance), and Bro-watchers should maintain a safe distance at all times.

Tags: fraternities