No Going Back: In-Sequence Playlists
Proudly showcased by Jacob Steinberg
You’re hosting a casual get together that begs for an atmospheric redress. “I’ll just throw something on,” you say as you finagle the aux while scrolling through a company of playlists until you find the one titled “Jams with a hint of class but notes of lit.” You cue up an arresting assortment of songs, but you don’t mindlessly mash shuffle like some brute. On the contrary, you check to make sure you haven’t accidently left shuffle on. Such negligence would be an affront the curated majesty of this playlist. Your exquisite taste leads a crusade against their eardrums. You’ve just locked them into a rollercoaster and greased the brakes. They love every twist and turn. You relish a night of self-satisfaction having your ego stroked with each and every approving comment.
Must Have: Motivational Pencils
Expressly recommended by Liv Martin
Feeling like you just can’t summon up the strength to take notes on five chapters of your Biomedical Engineering textbook? Well, look no further. You need motivational pencils! Simply glance at the text written across your pencil, which could read something like, “It’s always too early to quit!” or “Dreams don’t work unless you do!” Instantly, you’ll be filled will all of the motivation you will need in order to finish those notes. It’s as simple as that!
Changed My Life: Common Household Potted Plant
Opulently promoted by Emma Klingler
Nothing says, “I have it all” like managing to keep a low-maintenance house plant alive for a whole semester. I purchased my Dracaena Marginata from the local Home Depot nursery, and the investment has paid dividends on my quality of life. Not only does my little dragon tree purify my air, cleansing the toxins in my space for maximum good vibes, but when I am running on naught but two hours of slumber and strong-brewed Irish Breakfast tea, there is some satisfaction in watering my plant and knowing that some living things just get to be. Your very own house plant will nurture your soul as you nurture its soil.
Never Going Back: Pet Mice
Aggressively recommended by Annie Burdick
Feeling stressed or anxious? Have no friends? Lonely all the time? There is an elegantly simple solution to all of that. Get pet mice. They are the latest in upscale pet trends, and better yet, cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $5 per mouse. No longer are mice just the household pests you find in your kitchen. The domesticated versions will be your new best friends. They’re low on maintenance but high on insane cuteness. They eat grapes from your hand. They run in a wheel. They crawl around on your lap. And they’re ideal for a college budget!