Celebrity Wars: Trump vs. Kermit

Muppet star and celebrity presidential candidate square off in an online squabble (we wish)

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witter is abuzz with the latest, and easily greatest, celebrity spat of our time. Say goodbye to your Taylor vs. Katy and your Nicki vs. Miley (what’s good?). Instead, sit back and enjoy the spectacular verbal sparring between one of the most important and influential figures in recent history and a hotel owner. That’s right, it is Kermit vs. The Donald in an epic rivalry unmatched in either the cutthroat world of the presidential primaries or in the mania that is The Muppets.

Scholars of the dispute date its inception to the announcement of each participant’s latest moves to take back the spotlight from the undeserving. Kermit the Frog made the first play with the announcement of the release date for his new TV show reboot of the infamous Muppet franchise. This news broke on the June 10th and promised to be the center of United States, perhaps even global, news media for the foreseeable future.

Celebrity Feud- Kermit Trump by Lizzie Goncharova

Illustrator: Lizzie Goncharova

However, it wasn’t destined to last. A mere six days later, on June 16th, bored billionaire Donald Trump decided to shake things up with a bid for the presidency. To ensure that his media takeover was complete, Trump packed the announcement speech with exclamations of his wealth, condemnations of entire groups of people, and grand plans for further Trump brand building projects that he would outsource to said groups of people.

The idea of an impending Trump presidency was enough to get even the most sober news sources’ kegs flowing, and the star struck reporters all but forgot about the little green frog and his band of misfit puppet friends. This, of course, miffed the amphibian, leading him to throw the first dart in what is now being called an all-out war.

In an exclusive interview about the upcoming show, Kermit was asked what he thought about Donald Trump running for president.

The idea of an impending Trump presidency was enough to get even the most sober news sources’ kegs flowing, and the star struck reporters all but forgot about the little green frog and his band of misfit puppet friends.

“I think I could handle a Trump presidency,” Kermit said. “I have had a lot of experience with pigs, after all.” This lash out by the normally kind and soft-spoken Muppet generated renewed attention for the show, as well as catching the notice of the super-candidate himself.

Trump, with an eloquence to match the seriousness of his position, shot back at Kermit on Twitter with the tweet: “Kermit–You’re a total loser!”

Fozzie Bear, a close friend of Kermit the Frog, backed his amphibious friend with taunts of his own toward the tycoon.

“It looks like Trump is trying to win Obama supporters by convincing them that ‘Orange is the New Black,’” Fozzie tweeted, with the hashtag “#wakawaka.” Trump, in response to this latest jab, took a crack at the legacy of the two legends.

“Just tried watching The Muppet Movie,” Trump tweeted. “The main character is a lightweight little moron turtle. A stupid little loser with a fuzzy rug friend.”

Kermit, who so far had been winning support by playing up his good-natured personality and genuineness, defended his pal in a statement made to reporters using one of his famous mottos:

“With good friends, you can’t lose.”  After making the comment, however, he muttered audibly, “So good thing Donald Trump is a friendless lump.”

Trump, going for more of the bold, in-your-face antics that seemed to aid him in the primaries, immediately took things to the next level by showing up in front of Kermit’s place of residence.

His shouts of “You’re a loser green bug that’s not even an animal you weirdo!” were caught on film by reporters lingering near the frog’s address.

Things quickly escalated from newsworthy to iconic when Kermit leaned out his upstairs window and hollered down: “It’s not easy being green, but it’s much better than being whatever the hell you are!”

“With good friends, you can’t lose.” After making the comment, however, he muttered audibly, “So good thing Donald Trump is a friendless lump.”

The full contents of the ensuing verbal smack-down have yet to be revealed due to their graphic nature.  However, witnesses of the event testify that the projectile vomiting of insults and obscenities continued for an hour, with such gems thrown out as, “I’m going to rainbow connect my fist with your face!”

In a world full of celebrity skirmishes, Kermit vs. Donald is one for the record books.  It remains up to the discerning public to call the victor, and until they do, the glorious battle rages on.