The Interview: Drunk Student Athlete

Illustrator: Stevie Lacher

There is one question that has been on the minds of philosophers since the days of Aristotle and Socrates. No, it’s not “what happens when you die?” or “what is true happiness?” It is the question of how we define success. Since these narcissistic philosophers can’t seem to get off their high horses to answer the damn question, it’s time to give someone else a shot. Did you think I was going to answer the question myself? Hell no. If I had the answer to that question I wouldn’t be writing for a magazine who’s referred to around campus as “The Daily’s bitch.” However, I do know what type of people have the answers we’ve been searching for. Drunk student-athletes at frat parties. Stay with me here. Can you name one football team made up completely of philosophers who were able to go 5-7 when their coach is only making a measly $3.5 million a year? No? That’s what I thought.

As I entered the French Provincial frat house the first thing I noticed was the exquisite ambiance. The house is filled with spacious rooms that denote glamour and comfort through well-chosen materials, such as several “Don’t tread on me” flags and vintage Jose Cuervo bottles littered throughout the rooms. In the corner of the retro-yet-modern cement floor basement sat a girl in a pre-Victorian steel folding chair. She would go on to describe herself as being a tall athlete who is smart (but not nerdy smart), likes cats, has brown hair even though people say it’s blonde, and “sports.” She gracefully agreed to an exclusive, anonymous interview.

How do you define success?

Being “rach.” Like so rich you can never be sad, only happy never sad or mad or sad. Just money, that’s happy. Also, fun friends who think I’m fun and not because of my money. We must also be in a big apartment with big windows.

What is one word you’d use to define the success of your career so far?

Titty Bitty. I only have one of my nipples pierced because I thought it would be cool, but now I’m beginning to regret it because I’m always off balance.

Not because of the alcohol?

No just because of my tits.

Why do think some people are not successful?

No medication. Fish oil is so fucking healthy for you. Also, no talents.

What words of advice would you give to someone struggling with achieving their dreams?

Just do you. Shit I can’t say that, Nike owns those words. Maybe get up early and put in the work bitch. Do you know who is the breakfast of champions? Yogurt NOT cereal and that’s it.

This year we saw a lot of trends come and go in fashion and art. What can we expect to be the next big trend this season?

The oboe. I played it in high school band and no one really cared. I feel bad for it. No one wants to play it and that makes it sad. It’s gonna come back though. This is the year of the oboe.

How should we be spending our money?

Shop exclusively in all capital letters at Whole Foods. All-natural foods will not give you cancer. Everywhere else will give you cancer.

I shop at Target, am I going to get cancer?

Yes. Sorry…Would you like a drink? You should just tell your parents to give you more money so you can shop at Whole Foods.

What’s the “sure thing” stock to buy today that will explode in 2018?

Netflix. I’ve seen Stranger Things like twice so that’s going to make them a lot more money.

It’s pretty common for successful people to have the side hobby of flipping real estate. Can you tell me what areas will see the biggest increase in real estate prices for 2018?

Definitely Lake Calhoun because that’s where Prince lived. I hate Edina though. It’s where all the cake eaters live, which I am definitely not! The cake eaters in the first Mighty Ducks movie lived there and I loved that movie!