#NotAllClowns

Raising Awareness for the Good Clowns of America

Illustrator: Emily Hill

Illustrator: Emily Hill

2016 has not been kind to us. We’ve lost Prince, Bowie and Alan Rickman; hurricane Matthew hit our coast; gators are killing kids in the happiest place on earth; world politics have gone off the rails; and now, to top it all off, killer clowns are stabbing people across the nation. However, in times of trouble, we need to remember to look to the true American heroes—no matter how ironic it may seem. These unlikely, unsung heroes are, you didn’t guess it: clowns.

All right, I know I just said clowns were stabbing people, but hear me out: some clowns aren’t. Local celebrity clown, Krusty the Clown, says: “Yeah man, I feel like there’s just a lot of anti-clown sentiment right now. It sucks because like, I for sure haven’t stabbed anybody, like, ever haha. I haven’t ever even seen one of them knife things haha. What’s ‘stab’ even mean, when you think about it.” Buster then sprayed his interviewer in the face with water from a strategically placed flower on his chest. “Haha,” he reiterated.

For example, local clown, Hubert von Humorous, recently donated over 300 false noses and exactly 73 pairs of comically oversized shoes to the Salvation Army.

Many benevolent clowns have even been spotted doing good deeds in their communities. For example, local clown, Hubert von Humorous, recently donated over 300 false noses and exactly 73 pairs of comically oversized shoes to the Salvation Army. Likewise, long-time clowner, Ken (Funny) Bone, has been known to wander about the University of Minnesota campus kindly alerting people when their flies are down. Truly a good Samaritan.

The irony of the situation lies here: in the garbage year that is 2016, we could all really use a good laugh. And who provides laughs to the needy public? Clowns. So next time you see a clown, just give it the benefit of the doubt. It most likely won’t stab you, and in the case that it doesn’t, you’ll probably get a great laugh out of the encounter!