Pyramid of Tremendousness

Ranking those associated with me, the Donald
By Donald J. Trump

Illustrator: Taylor Daniels

Illustrator: Taylor Daniels

One night I was going through my daily intelligence briefing, which is just a fancy way of saying I was watching the tremendous REAL news channel that is Fox News, when Chris Wallace started saying mean things that are totally FALSE and BOGUS, so I decided to change the channel to something far less un-American. That’s when I came across this fantastic show—but not as good as the “Celebrity Apprentice,” well at least when I hosted it. I mean just look at those ratings with Arnold. Sad! So I was watching this show, and it was called “Dance Moms,” and these moms were some wonderful people, believe me, and even more wonderful was the choreographer, Abby Lee. She has had such tremendous ideas, especially ranking the children by pyramid so that those on the bottom can feel terrible about themselves. I mean, genius.

After learning about this pyramid thing I told Kellyanne Conway to draw up a triangle for me, along with some faces on it, so I can rank my people—who are by the way the BEST people, well aside from a couple of them. Just look at it—it’s the most wonderful, tremendous, very incredible pyramid anyone has ever seen.

At the bottom of the pyramid is Sean Spicer. Now I understand that Melissa—I mean Sean—is overwhelmed, but he has just been doing a lousy job at handling the FAKE NEWS outlets that try to slander my good name. As much as I want to fire Sean, I don’t think I can. Mostly because I don’t want to find out who SNL—which by the way is not funny, cast is terrible, and just really bad television—uses to play the next person I hire. Sad.

Also at the bottom is Buzzfeed, since they are a failing pile of garbage. Just thought I should get that out there.

Moving up the pyramid is Mike Pence. I had thought about having him up near the top of the pyramid, but I decided against that when I remembered that time he saw “Hamilton.” If he managed to get bullied by our fake founding fathers, who knows who else will bully that poor man. Pathetic!

Next we have Rick Perry. Many have criticized me for picking him to lead the Department of Energy because he apparently wanted to get rid of it back in 2012. But believe me, he is going to be fantastic. I saw him on an episode of “Dancing with the Stars,” and what he had when he danced was energy. See, now it makes sense that I picked him to lead the Energy Department. Who’s the moron now? He’s tied with Pence because he wears glasses. LOSERS need corrected eyewear; WINNERS deal with their poor vision, much like myself.

Moving up in the pyramid is Chris Christie. Christie is a fantastic pet. The Best! Much better than Paul Ryan. Guy is a total loser. Christie does whatever I command him to do. This one night, I kid you not, I told everyone at the White House they could eat whatever they wanted, except for Chris. I told him “Chris, you and I are going to have the meatloaf.” And you know what, he did have the meatloaf—which by the way was a fabulous meatloaf, I have it every night.

Next is Betsy DeVos. She is rich. BUT NOT AS RICH AS ME. HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT MY NET WORTH IS? NO, NOT ASSETS. NET. WORTH. Anyways, she will be a fine…what department is she leading? Education? Oh… I’m sure it will be fine.

Moving up from there is my lovely daughter Ivanka. She managed to stand up to Nordstrom after it treated her so unfairly. She is a great person—always rushing to do the right thing. Tremendous daughter. Buy her shoes; prices are as low as $49.99, act now.

Tied with Ivanka is my good friend who I have NEVER MET: Vladimir Putin. This needs no explanation.

At the top of the pyramid is none other than Steve Bannon. Steve has been doing a tremendous job at being our president. Without him this nation would be a rudderless ship heading for a major disaster. That was a joke. I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it. This was just to rile up all of the FAKE news. The White House is running VERY WELL and all because of ME.