The Starbucks Manifesto

Because the War on Christmas is only the beginning

Illustrator: Aaron Musickant

Illustrator: Aaron Musickant

A specter is haunting America—the specter of the red cup. Society took notice when mega-company Starbucks opted for the simple, red ombre design, eliminating the images of snowflakes and ornaments from previous holiday cups. While many of us felt threatened that our beloved Christmas was under attack, we failed to realize the full significance of this transformation. Liberal elitists tried to hide the truth under the guise of “religious tolerance,” but the fact is that the red of the cups signifies the re-emergence, and soon to be total world dominance, of Communism.

To see the truth of this, we must look right to the source: chairman and CEO of Starbucks, Howard D. Schultz. On a cursory search, Schultz appears to be the poster boy for the American Dream. Born poor, he was the first of his family to attend college, going to Northern Michigan University on an athletic scholarship. Sure, he quickly became successful through his business strategies and dedication to his vision. And sure, he was awarded the FIRST Responsible Capitalism Award in 2007. But a peek into his history tells a whole different story.

Schultz used to own the NBA team formerly known as the Seattle SuperSonics. The name “SuperSonics” is officially thought to have originated from the Boeing supersonic transport project, the first of its kind. However, it can’t be a coincidence that the famous Sega character, Sonic the Hedgehog, turns yellow in his “Super Sonic” form, well known to be one of the colors of the SuperSonics basketball team. In the video games, Sonic strives to thwart the entrepreneur, Dr. Robotnik, and free his friends from the robotic captivity and servitude of labor. The blatant, communist utopia undertone of this seemingly innocent children’s game is a message of which Schultz had to be aware. And yet, in his entire five-year tenure as owner, the name remained unchanged. It begs the question, how long has Schultz been harboring this Leninist, anti-American red cup plot?

In fact, signs of the Communist agenda permeate the Starbucks advertising culture. Just look at the logo. A siren, meant to seduce men to follow her unthinkingly. This is clearly a symbol of the female agenda to dominate men which has been paraded in popular culture as “equal rights.” But just look at the hoof-like shape of the tail and the pentagram in the crown. Despite Starbucks’ efforts to disguise their intentions, the devil’s influence in their business model is on full display.

It begs the question, how long has Schultz been harboring this Leninist, anti-American red cup plot?

The name, “Starbucks,” is another piece of the puzzle. The creators have admitted that the name comes from the “Moby Dick” character, Starbuck. While many have written this off as a pretentious literary choice unsurprising for a coffee connoisseur, let’s examine the source material. Captain Ahab and his courageous and tireless efforts to kill the whale illustrate the noble and glorious exploitations of capitalism. But Starbuck, weak and soft, voices reservations about this feat of bravery, demonstrating the enfeebling effect of anti-capitalist philosophy on progress. Why Starbucks thought they could make such a brazen stance of naming and go unnoticed is truly a mystery. What is even more unsettling are the messages hidden in their very menu.

Observe, for instance, the seasonal favorite drink for children, Toasted Graham Crème. This sweet, cinnamon concoction appears to be an innocent holiday treat. But rearrange the letters in this sumptuous beverage and it reads, “Mr. Castro Damage Thee.” Fidel Castro, of course, was the leader of the communist rebels in Cuba during the second half of the twentieth century. We remember that fateful day of Jan. 8, 1958 when Castro’s revolutionary forces took Havana, soon after establishing the Communist party with himself as prime minister. The sentiments of Communism were echoed on the same day in history, Jan. 8, 1964, when Lyndon B. Johnson announced his “War on Poverty,” an effort to socialize America by giving hand-outs to people too lazy to get jobs. What else happened on January 8, this time in 2008, demonstrating solidarity and support with Communist efforts of the past? Howard D. Schultz returned from an eight-year hiatus to take his rightful position as CEO of Starbucks.

But rearrange the letters in Toasted Graham Crème and it reads, ‘Mr. Castro Damage Thee.’

You cannot fail to see what is happening here. The real nature of Starbucks is just beginning to show itself, and we must be ready to fight back. So instead of going to Starbucks and telling the barista that your name is “Merry Christmas” in an effort to subvert the secularization of the holiday season, tell them your name is Castro or Lenin or Stalin. Let them know that we see through their upstanding, capitalist facade, and we will not let them bring the red scare of Communism back to America.